Home. Home. Home. Om

My only goal in life is to express that feeling. That feeling at a really great concert, when no ones saying it, but they are all breathing in tune with that sole guitarist playing. That feeling at the end of a party, when everyone has gone home except these last good few, and you sit together in a huddle and listen to the music on low until the sun comes up. That feeling when you are in the middle of the dance floor, covered in sweat and dancing your heart out, surrounded by the friend you love, in your own world where you are dancing for no one. That feeling when the loud holiday family feast has wound down, and you sit round the table, sipping the last of the wine and picking at the last of pie, retelling old stories like rolling around a milk chocolate memory in your mind's tongue. That feeling when you stick your head out of that car, on that drive, with that raging wind, with the cascading waves of the shoreline chasing beside you. That feeling when the milk cloud covered sky breaks into a storm, and the moments after its done, when the rain and wind have swept the air so clean its like drinking a cool glass of water to breathe.
To write that feeling
To play it
To draw it
To communicate it, and just grab someone, even for a minute. To get them to smile for a moment, a flashing twitch in their in lips before they continue walking to work, if I can do that, I will have done what I came here to do. I will be satisfied. And I will be content. I will be ready to leave behind this flesh suit and go on back to my home. The place where this feeling is endless and unstoppable, and never ending. Home. Home. Home. Om.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t1M4W44Y-4

Happiness Project

Sick sick sick of complaining. I am sorry. Sorry if you've been reading my latest posts. But mostly I'm sorry to myself. For allowing myself to give into sadness and hopelessness. It always the convenient emotion but I am physically going to force myself to start seeing the world through those rose coloured glasses, and start gathering those flowers like I mean it.

These past few days I went through a whirlwind of outward circumstances coming straight at me again. I had 3 boys in my life. One who wanted me for my body, one who wanted my mind, and one who is always after my soul. Yet I had never felt more empty and alone. Like this grabbing and appreciation was just for them, and really had nothing to do with me, just their need for taking was the importance. I find that alot with men...that they are naturally takers and women are naturally givers. Not in a judgemental way or to say they all are, just has been my experience and observation anyways.

After breaking up with the first, fighting with the second, and ignoring the third I went through a few days of withdrawal. The basic, alot of movies, crying, brownies and feelings of severe desolation. You know all the regular breakup withdrawal symptoms, not just from attention (which I have to admit was nice since i'm definitely not the alluring marilyn monroe type :P) but more from the feeling that yet again I had given my power away to others. And not only that but those who were underserving of it. I let myself get tied up in their expectations, and all the while completely lost my centre and my own core.

So I've decided to create a new goal: damn straight hardcore all the way happiness project! Yes and not it a selfish way, but self loving way. I've don't suffer from arrogance I suffer from self- flagellation of a terrible mental variety. So the only way I can think of truly getting me back, it starting to love and do the things I love. I will practice positive mantras every day. I will treat myself to sauna time. I will practice a dance routine and finish it. I will start writing everyday and not just "pretend" to. I will start making time to create healthy meals that I can eat and satisfy my bored tastebuds. I will make desserts that I can still feel good after. I will start taking pictures with my camera like I'm excited again, even by rocks and leaves. I will reconnect and start up good friendships which I've let gather dust. I will read instead of watch. I will listen instead of hide. I will gather my temper or let it out in a constructive way. I will try to be more open with my family. I will try to trust men and not feel like I want to punch them all :P Mostly I will love who I am and not feel embarrassed, shameful, or disappointed in who and where I am at this point in my life. I will. I will. I will. Will to will. Okay now I'm just annoying hahah. Nope wait i mean now I'm just persistent :)

Just Feel Okay

I don't know how to write anymore. And that scares me. I want to communicate, to break, to fill, and spill out all these things that come with life.

I wish I new how to properly describe the fear and excitement and frustrated fury I feel everyday.

I wish I knew how to stretch hours into days to fulfill the amount of passions and desires and things I want to try out.

I wish I knew how to feel good about myself without letting another pretty girl make me feel worthless.

I wish I knew how to describe how this ache of beautiful sadness I feel whenever I hear a good song, or fully dance around a room, or meet a new amazing friend, or when I feel like I accomplished something other than another responsibility.

I wish I knew how describe how my mind works like a camera frame daily, trying to make my life into a moving movie, with scenes and the best angles, and capturing the best snippets of funny dialogue, or the best soundtrack for each moment.

I wish I knew the difference between feel hopeless and hopeful. Or at least maybe the secret to figuring out the easy way.

Crying and random dance fits have become a necessity and yet a burden on my everyday life, something I literally have to do at least once a day or my emotions will literally rip in and out of me and leave me for dead.

I want passion, and fire, and health, and security. I want days with feeling okay, with feeling ready, ready for it all.

I want things that boost and become part of me. I want to be full and overflowing with purpose, saturated so deep in satisfaction each day that it pours out of me. Like a cup of nectar I want to be and see only sweetness. I want to be golden and bright and have that spark. I don't know where I am right now but I just want to get past the uncertainty and just feel okay. Just feel okay.

Change in Environment, Changed my Attitude

"Kiss him, kiss him, KISS HIM!!!"my mind chanted over and over as he walked me home.

Ever since I've been back from the ashram in California I don't feel like myself. And not it a liberating way. I feel lost and whats worse, I feel lost after I felt found. I think because I am no longer protected in a safe environment and around people who I love, and fortunately loved me back. At Ananda I was like a baby wrapped in blanket; I had play time, and a little active work time, nap time, yoga time, meditation time, and delicious home cooked meals served to me literally on a platter. I had breaks away from myself. Or at least from the nagging self "ego" which just cannot stand me and makes a point of telling me so. I had a worry fast in other words. And I was is love. God was I ever in love. And more than just with my partner, I was in love with my friends who were my ACTUAL friends. I was in love with nature and the gifts of her simple beauty, with the quietness in my mind I could finally experience like soak in a hot bath, with laughter which I rediscovered, and I was in love with life.

Now back home I feel like I was brutally stripped and woken out of bed, out of the comfort of my safety blanket. Back to coldness of reality. Back to money, and duties, and acquaintances who pretend to be friends for a beer night, and back to never having enough time to play after work. I'm still figuring it all out. But the truth is, I think I just miss believing in something greater than sadness, or pain. In that ashram hidden away in nature, for a time I think I really touched God, or at least my version of her. I felt hopeful, or like I wasn't alone for once in my lonely ridden life.

Being back I can't help but worry with my change in environment, I changed my attitude. I've sadly went back to thinking I could adapt back to my old self, the one who is happy with the mediocre barren lifestyle of a spiritless society. I cannot conform, I tried but it's killing me. It's the not being me which is killing me. Turning back on my spiritual path is being untruthful to myself. It is a tortuous game which I  can't play anymore.

Tonight I decided enough is enough. I called up an old friend who I really connected with in a way beyond "Facebook approved". We had a good time, going to the pool and acting like kids swimming and splashing and swinging off rope swings. After we went for some hot Pho and just talked. Like long past our meals being taken away, and past the check being paid for. Just because this is what connection is: the need and enjoyment of a persons company, WITHOUT needing anything else. In the technology age conversation has been replaced with banter over some form of texting. But there we were, the loud couple talking and laughing and goofing off, the couple who doesn't give a rats ass if they are retardedly making inappropriate jokes, and trying to aim candy in each others mouths over the table, or passionately debating over which indie bands are better than the others.

I didn't feel alone. And it was divine. But like all cute boys I connect with, I can't help it...I like them. Like in the way where I was subtly was checking out his tight toned body beneath his white t-shirt. The way I was finding excuses to touch and playfully push him after jokes. The way I was feeling like I really wanted him to kiss me. But truthfully after my break up from J, from the person I thought I was going to marry, I feel like all I really want is just someone to hopefully rub out my memories of him with someone else's lips. Not only that but almost prove that I can be that stupid superficial version of me, that I don't have to go down the spiritual path which lets face it, is much more harder and takes making alot more tough conscious decisions.

So as he slowly walked me back my mind was like a loop tape, chanting, "Kiss him, kiss him, KISS HIM!" But just as I reached the house and saw his bus coming around the corner, I just couldn't. Even though it would have been satisfying now, later on it would just be another reckless thing I did for temporary gratification. God though, hugging him goodbye I can't help but feel empty. Once I heard that the spiritual path is like a contract, once you are on it, there is no going back. But man, the spiritual path is a lonely one. Please divine ma, come back and fill this empty cup of loneliness. Fill me up. Fill me up.

Holding out for Happiness

"If you think of life as precious, and as death simply as an inevitable ending, it becomes a drive. A way to keep you focused. Put it this way, if you take a day, or even today, and you think 'if this was my last day on earth, would I be satisfied, would I be happy with my life?' In that sense you see what you are missing, or what you need and would want to do to feel satisfaction. And the key is, if you have too many days where the answer is "no" to that question, then that is a big signal for change."

I keep bumping into people, the guy at my career search seminar, an old man at the beach who just asked what yoga technique I was doing at the beach, a girlfriend I met in line, all these people who keep reminding me to have hope. To continue to search and strive, and live! Goddamnit I keep thinking I was alone or forsaken, but the more I clear my head I realize how much the universe is trying to speak to me. Stay open she says, stay faithful. I am trying. Some days not so much. Other days better. But I swear I want to come out on the other side, divine ma. I whine and I complain (because in truth sometimes it just hurts so much I don't think I can bear it). But I do. I have wanted to give up on myself so many times. But there is just this damn wiggle, this damn little spark that refuses to leave my body, my heart. It is the reason I keep living. Because I hope one day I will have the strength and fuel to ignite that spark into a raging unstoppable fire. I know I have it in me because it is the reason I continue to dream. To read. To listen to sad music and wonder if I can contain the beauty of released sadness. It is all contained within me, within this little giant.

I pray divine mother hears me, and will continue to send me these people, those words, those signs, those gifts of holding out for happiness.

Good night world. I love you.

Practice Practice Practice

"Change starts first with a conscious decision, a conscious choice. To play a different track in your mind. Because as soon as you fall into that old pattern, that old groove, you're stuck. But if you catch yourself before you fall into that mood, or that place where its overwhelming, your whole world, then that's the beginning of your recovery. The further and further I go into my life, I'm realizing that life is about fleeting passings of happiness and misery. And they both change, they both are fleeting. So when you are in that space of sadness and you feel like giving up, just remember everything passes. You'll come out of it. I mean even when I'm so happy I remind myself its temporary. Not in the way that I'm not grateful or in the moment, in fact because I know that this huge happiness is fleeting, it's a way of reminding myself to enjoy it. To really feel it and appreciate it as it will be back to misery again. You just can't see life so seriously. There are so many things we have no control of. So many things we can't explain. I mean really when it comes down to it all we really have control of is our reactions (she laughs) and everything else is out of our hands. What I'm trying to say is you have to let go of worry because that's the real symptom of your chronic physical sickness. Just take it day by day. And practice, practice, practice reminding yourself to remain positive. I mean I've got 20 years on you and I'm just learning how to let go of things. So you are so intelligent and wise to start now."

This is what my healer said to me. And in this way she gave the best healing of all the bloody doctors and western medicine combined. She made me feel like I can actually do this, like I can actually come out of this alive. Thank you for speaking to me through her. I know you trying to show me things I cannot see yet. But I'm listening. And I'm making baby steps. So please don't give up on me.

This is Just a Play

It's hard to describe how much I feel at the same time. I feel nothing and I feel the impact of the whole world at the same time. I feel intense happiness for God and intense sadness for being on this planet.

I kind of had a big breakthrough the other night. It's no secret that I've thought about death alot. And on bad days even prayed for it. But even though I thought it's what I wanted, in the back of mind my mind I was still afraid and still thought of it as a horrible thing. And then the other night, after once again losing myself to worry and fear and anxiety about the unknown future, I thought, why am I doing this? Why do I have this imposed self pressure to be someone? To be accomplished? To be the big important  impressive person? Don't we all have to give it up at death? What is money and accomplishments when you die along with every other person eventually. I know it sounds morbid but knowing we all die and move on to something better than this world, made me realize how pointless it is to worry. So damn pointless. Accepting death actually became a comfort.

 I finally understood what all those poets and artists spoke about how this whole life "is just a play" or "stage" in which we just are actors trying lines out. Because at the end what does it matter whether you were the hero or just the extra, the play still ends. So why not just enjoy it? Why not just be unafraid of being exactly who you are and who you want to "play" in this round? I may not be the hero or protagonist of which I always coveted, but in truth did I want that? Was I always seeking this glory because I wanted it or because so many of the people I knew expected it of me to go after those big roles?

All I want I realize and all I should ever want is to live up to who I am and what I want to be in this, this my life. No one else's. I am 21 now. Legally and emotionally I am really responsible for myself. God I hope I can live up to it. Tina you NEED to live up to it. Quitting is not you. Quitting will not liberate you. You must liberate yourself.

Try Too

Being around family is one of the worst and best things for yourself. In one sense, for me anyways, it feels like a comfort, a stability I've been missing for too long in this scary all over the place life. Then again seeing my family is like coming face to face with all the toxic and sad familiar habits and perceptions of yourself that they have been projecting onto you growing up.

I don't know about others, but I often feel somewhat like I need to perform, or even act a certain way in front of them. That they have me in this box, or persona, of which I have to play along because they won't allow me to be who are really am, or at least who I want to be.

I am visting my family right now and already...I don't know, I feel comfortable and familiar with them, but I also feel displaced and lost in myself again.

See in my family I'm the baby, and oddly enough that didn't mean I got favoured or the attention. In fact it turned out the opposite, the eldest were the more prized. I don't even say it in a self pitying way. It's just kind of a fact. Even just subtle things are obvious. My father when we are around each other talks little and sits tilted away from me. But when my older sister walks in the room he lights up, even drags his seat closer and will openly try and hug her.

There is so much bitterness in me for this. My whole life I just wanted my parents to see me, to love me, to be proud of me. But it never really happened. And I really think that is the part that has made me so weak. It's kind of funny actually. It became a vicious circle. Because I was so ignored I became so feeble and weak, and because I appeared so weak and dependant, they distanced themselves and were more and more inclined to ignore me.

I do not know sometimes how people build themselves up from rocky childhood's, because in a sense I never really had one, and in another sense I really feel like I never grew up.

I am so scared ma, divine ma, I do not know if I have enough strength in me to keep fighting for inner redemption, inner freedom, inner love.

The part that scares me the most is I've never felt more lonely in my life. Or maybe a better word is more responsible in my life. Responsible in the sense that if I want to continue living I might have to just do something drastic. Like leave completely my whole life, my family, my comfort zone and start over somewhere else. With no help. No back up daddy or no bailout cash from grandparents.

I just want to call out to all those who had to or have to start from nothing, from no wholesome family, from no stable foundation, from no place of recognition, and who manage to pull themselves up and out , I fucking salute you. I'm fucking am so proud of you. And I fucking love you for giving me hope to try too.

Is it?

Everyday that I spend enjoying the day, I enjoy it. Every day that I spend thinking in my head, being somewhere else, I stress and I fall into sadness. It is hard for me though, I want to enjoy my life. Yesterday was the perfect example. I soaked the day up with J just sitting in the sun, making homemade sushi with Mel, having laughs and popcorn with my yogi buddies for dinner. Spending a big chunk of the afternoon lying in J's arms and kissing every inch of each other like we were engrossed in rediscovering each other after being apart for awhile. It was all divine. I am grateful for it all.

But at the same time I'm still not closer to my purpose, to my dreams, to my ambitions for myself. I can't help it. It's always there and it's always going to nag me. And thats not living and thinking and being in the present moment is it?

How do we achieve that balance between being in the now and working towards our dreams?

Loving Self Discipline

I am a little confused. And scared.
Life is so big and overwhelming sometimes, then so personal and so beautiful the next.
I have some big decisions to face soon. Where to live. If I will stay with my partner despite distance. What passion to pursue for my career. Where to go to school. How I will afford it. If I can manage to stay on the path outside of my ashram. Most importantly, will I survive or overcome this depression which has been part of my life for so long. It stuns me and humbles me that I have been here for so long and yet I still feel like I need to stay even when I have to leave. Leave.Wow. This beautiful place where I may not have fully given myself to God, but at least felt like I am becoming more of who I really am. Whatever that is I hope she will stick around for me through this very chaotic and unknown part of my life. I have to own who I am and take charge of my life. I have to stop being a back seat driver in my life. I need to lovingly self discipline myself to take advantage of my time here on this planet.
   

You are not your thoughts

You are not your thoughts. People get trapped in this. I got trapped in it, for a long ass time. People think because they have a tendancy towards negative thoughts they are negative, which eventually becomes their whole world.  But there is a process in who we are. We have choice.

Like if one day you are driving down the road, and someone suddenly cuts you off and drives ahead, our natural reaction would be of anger, of indignation, of hate. That is the REACTION, an effect of the cause. Next step is rationalization or observation. We analyze what happened, why it happened (maybe he was late for work or woke up late) and the how we are involved in the situation.

Step 1 and 2 are just reactive states, parts of the mind firing signals. But the real part, the part that really is YOU and really consists of YOUR CHOICE is the next part. You can let that situation control you, (aka you can decide to let that jackoff ruin your whole day and make you in a foul mood) or you can pull up and out of the situation ( deciding that okay maybe he was just late and I happened to be there during his drive) in which you are the master of the situation. So yes you will have reactions, and yes you will analyze things, but the real part of your mind which is really you, is your CHOICES. YOUR ATTITUDE.

My friends and I talked today about self effort vs. divine grace and which really get's the job done on the spiritual path. It's both. Choosing to attune yourself to higher divine qualities (love, compassion, honesty, perseverance) instead of the downward easier choices (anger, selfishness, dishonesty, cowardice) in all situations no matter how hard is your self effort. Choosing to turn towards goodness and deciding to put your energy into bettering yourself and the planet is definite self effort. Divine grace is those divine qualities, so we are meeting grace half way. Divine grace flows when we are aiming our will towards it, when we decide to open ourselves to it. I will consciously work to turn myself to grace over the easier, lesser path. Or as Frost said

Two paths diverged in the woods
And I 
I took the road less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.

Little Piece of Peace

It's hard for me to say this. But I'm feeling like I falling back again. Back into my depression. I can't explain it but sometimes I feel like I am only treading water when I'm happy, like I am barely above the surface. And maybe I even convince myself that I am pushing through it, that I'm on top of it all. But then I remember time, or my waste of time, and the fact that I still feel no purpose, no passion, and I realize this whole time I was really drowning. I was submerged and wasn't breathing.

What do I do? I mean God didn't come. A boy did and that was amazing. But I still feel like there is a big chunk of my spirit grasping to fill this jagged hole in me. I can't keep detoxing all the time. I always getting rid of old habits, or taking all these vitamins, or trying this new cleanse, or adding some new exercise to make me feel good, yet I still feel unhappy.

Tomorrow I think I'll meditate. Or at least for longer than I used to. Not because of God. Or for answers.

Okay well maybe for answers.....

but mostly I think I should do it for a little piece of peace.

Realize what we need to Realize

The smallest things are what keep me alive.

I was having a particular hard night a couple days ago. I had just caught painfully gross strep throat, ontop of having my period, oh and the wee small fact that I hadn't been sleeping properly for years.

Basically I felt robbed of any kind of energy or motivation, or just happiness. I felt like my joyful spunky spirit was trapped in this horrible weak tiny body. I cannot explain how many times I have been sick or caught some random disease for the past few years, its fucking comical. If there's any trace or maybe not even fucking one, of some kind of disease or sickness floating around anywhere, I always without a doubt catch it.

I cannot explain to you this much, but it's kind of soul corroding. Yes I know it's not like it's Cancer or like I have a missing limb, but imagine spending your whole life in bed or recovering or slugging through your life. It pretty much sucks.

Anways that night I decided I hated God. Or to be more exact I completely convinced myself with so much hatred that there couldn't possibly be a God. After all these months of praying and chanting and meditating and crying out for God to enter my life, he still hadn't. And for further prove where was he when he decided to throw all this sickness ontop of my already ongoing insomnia problems.
I cried. And I just lay there with no hope or anything in my heart but pain.

The next day I took a sleeping pill. I just gave in. I slept all day and felt stupid for wasting a day but also happy for my brief period of relief. The sun was going down so I threw on my running shoes and booked it to the ridge top mountain which over looks endless rolling hills of forest mountains which all pour into each other and reach the horizon. I made it just as the sun was setting. I sat and meditated right amongst the dry corn weeds and didn't really do it for God. I kind of just did it for me. To breathe and relax I suppose.

As it started to get dark I walked back, slowly and deliberating taking my time. When there is nothing to rush back to, why rush? I walked along the cute little winding hills of the community and passed the goat farm. I've always loved animals and hoped maybe I'd see some. Although they are ususally penned up at at night and can't be seen. That was the first weird sign.

 The goats were out. Or at least a few of them. I clucked and stuck my hand out over the fence trying to get them to come. I had my eye on this black girl that took a few steps towards me and gave me hope. But like a stubborn animal it stopped a few feet away from me and wouldn't move no matter what I did in my frustrating attempt. Eventually she turned abruptly around and walked off. That's when I noticed out of the corner of my eye a plump white buck who was waiting behind. As soon as the black goat left he walked right up to me with no hesitation and loving pushed his head right into my hands. Now goats aren't that particularly loyal or cuddly, I mean yes they let you pet them or yes they might stick around but eventually they get bored or hungry and skip off. This guy sat stretching his neck painfully straight up so I could stroke his nose, his neck, the little patch between his horns, I mean he was like a loyal puppy.

Funny thing is giving love is always the thing that makes me most happy. Receiving yes it lovely, but being allowed to adore a pet, a friend, a partner, has always been the thing that gives me the most joy. And here I was having had a particularly hard before and I felt better instantly because this young buck was nuzzling me.

In my weird sort of way I started trying to see into that whole experience as I kept walking home. I figured it was sort of a metaphor. The black goat sort of represented darkness, or at least the dark emotion of despair. Oddly I chose that goat first to coax, putting all my energy into that. Yet of course she held back, making me even more pissed for not getting fulfillment. But as soon as I gave up on her, that beautiful light animal ran right into me. He was waiting for me to stop directing my energy elsewhere so that he could have his chance to come to me. I even lovingly remember I subcociously kept cooing to the boy as I stroked his rough fur
"What a beautiful boy. What a beautiful beautiful boy you are Rama. Thank you Rama."

Why Rama? Why did I choose that name?
I looked up what hindu scriptures to see what they said about him.
This is what I found:

Rama is the seventh avatar of the god Vishnu in Hinduism
Ram's life and journey is one of perfect adherence to dharma despite harsh tests of life and time. 

Wow it is no coincidence this small but beautiful experience happened to me. I don't think I completely changed my mind about life. But I definitely see that there are signs in everything, helping us to realize what we need to realize.

Happiness Quenched

I don't know how to explain this, but loving someone means you have to be able to truly let them love you back. Sounds so ridiculous but I find that people don't even allow themselves to love themselves. They are terrified of of not being enough, or they can't even believe that they deserve or are worth being loved. I know this because I am one of them.

I've been in the early stages of a new love. The beginning, when it's exciting and fun and delicious to love. There has been no bad days and no arguments whatsoever. I won't go into too much detail but last night I got my taste of what real relationships are about.

We had a deep conversation, questioning our beliefs, our future plans, why we even love each other in the first place. It got heated but never angry. It got intense but never violent. It was about exploring and really learning about each other.  But it was like an emotional canon ball kept slamming into us until 2am. We both admitted we loved openly, but we weren't sure or somehow had a hard time accepting the love from the other person. So if we're both giving love out why couldn't we feel it or where was it going if we were not open to it?

Thank God I realized.

I went to class the next morning. There is a very uplifting retreat going on right now at the ashram. It's called Inner renewal week. Every morning the leaders give intense funny and spiritually uplifting talks about life, our quest, the important connections between religious scriptures, and of course God.
I made it a point to really listen this morning. Devi, this beautiful powerhouse 5 foot woman was speaking. She reminded us all that we will never be fulfilled with world. We will always be thirsty wanderers looking for the happiness in delusion unless we reach for the divine wine. And it hit me. I must love God first.

I've always been proud of my non attachment. I've never really lusted after much. Not the big car or big home or all those big toys. I've been almost smug in that, thinking well gee I'm pretty far up on the spiritual path above those other goonies. But the truth is I realized in the worst sort of way I'm very attached to people. When my dad left as a child it devastated me. I spend most of my teenage years angry and sad and blaming life for being so hard on me. Then when I found my best friends in high school I was so stoked and had a ball with them. I convinced myself I had made my "new family". But after graduation the connections drifted off. We ceased to hang out or phone and our friendships were reduced to sporadic facebook messages. That hurt big time. I stopped trusting people completely. My heart felt rusted shut. I had lost all over again, yet still I wasn't recognizing my pattern.

Then I came here to Ananda. I met soul friends. People I could laugh and play and discuss and delve into ourselves together. Spiritual warriors who fought with you. My heart felt alive. Felt completely ripped open again. But it wasn't until the day after one of my true sister yogis, Gayatri,  left that it hit me again. I felt lost and loss all over again. I was sitting crying in my bed and listening to some songs we had listened to nights before and my friend Meg came in. She sad and cuddled me while I crooned and lamented about how much I missed Gayatri.
I remember saying to her, "It's just so hard sometimes."
"What is? Life?"
"Yeah and change. And the unknown."
"Hmmmm. But isn't it beautiful. I mean we all came here at this time. For whatever reason. We were all meant to meet. And now the next thing comes. And we'll meet again. Down the road or if we plan it together. I mean the world is conspiring for our benevolent good. God never gives you something you can't handle."

Then it hit me. I was getting attached to people like others were attached to their things. In the worst sort of way I was trying to find love in other people instead of God. I mean even with my partner I had lost my way. That one night of emotional topsy turvy devastated me because I had put so much energy into him instead of focusing my love to divine mother. It's a truth. People will always, without fail or without a doubt, disappoint you in some way. They may be great but everyone is flawed and cannot never flinch. The only constant love, the only eternal love, the only unconditional love you will EVER feel is from God. I will always love people but I know now it has to be a open love. I cannot hope to hold them or change them or try and hoard them, I just have to love. And not think I can find happiness only in their returning love. I must love Ma first and with directed devotion so that she can fill my heart, that I may love without hurting, and love without loss. For only then do I ever feel filled, or that my thirst for happiness is quenched.

Loved Truly Back

When things fall apart, usually if you keep your spirits up, you realize it had to fall apart for something better to make way.

Seeing as I won't be in Cali forever and that my time is getting cut down, my sister and her hubby invited me and J for a snowboarding trip up in the great Sierra mountains. I was so looking forward to the weekend, for the snow for the time with my fam, but mostly for my chance to be with J. See in a spiritual volunteer ashram, or at least at this one, you're pretty much forbidden to have a relationship with one of the fellow devotees. It makes sense in some ways but in this case me and J have pretty much said fuck it to that rule apparently haha. It's just because we both intuitively knew this wasn't just some random hook up fling thing. We actually found love. Or at least I felt very much I had.

So anyways I was stoked to be away  from the retreat in an open space, in front of my family, and being able to lavish my love and affection for this amazing boy as much as I wanted without any reservations. It was my chance to really solidify our relationship as real. But like my fucking luck, 2 days before the trip I came down with a heavy flu and had to rest in bed. It's safe to say I was pretty much was pissed off at first. But for some reason, maybe my spirit is learning to listen more, I decided to let it go. I told myself I guess it wasn't supposed to happen, or that maybe God wanted something else for me. So I did what I could and just tried to get well. Sunday came and as it turned out one of the program leaders was also going on the boarding trip with my family. So we wouldn't have been able to enjoy the day openly anyways. Hmmm interesting.....

That's not all though. I was well enough that day that I suggested to J that we drive down to the Yuba river. We packed some snacks, loaded some good tunes, and got in his car. The Cali sun was blazing and the air warm. The spot we went to was a long drive where we kept stealing smiling glances at each other every chance we got. Farther and farther down this winding dirt road we circled deeper into these glorious mountain canyons down to the river. We spent the day eating melted chocolate chip cookies, scavenging over boulders to even more pretty lagoons, and kissing in between stops. Of course I even had to have a mini photo shoot of him with my fatty DSLR, I mean come on with his sexy scruff against the sand and water I had to. Laughing he complied with all my "director" suggestions. Tilt your head, move that bag, put your arm behind your head, yes seriously put that arm behind your head. 

It was a few moments after when I was smiling at him and he was coming over to me from his model spot that he chuckled, "I'm pretty sure I love you Tina."

OMFG.

I giggled back in sheer joy but managed to get out, "I'm pretty sure I love you too."
And then because I couldn't contain it I sighed deeply and looked up, "Thank god!"
 He asked why I was worried. I explained I had wanted to say I loved him for awhile but was afraid to say it first, maybe out of fear of scaring him or of worse, that he might not feel the same. So he pulled me to him and kissed me softly.
"I love you," he said so I couldn't look away from his eyes.
"Say it again!" I laughed
he laughed but again told me. Again I told him.

Look at this. That snowboarding trip which would have been fun, but not really, fell through. I was bummed but I left it up to the universe. And then this day. This beautiful day. This life changing day happened instead. I am in love and have loved. And even better I've been loved truly back. Thank you God for planning this for me.

Such bliss from Thoughtlessness

It is amazing how thoughtlessness is what equals happiness. Let me clarify, when I say thoughtlessness I don't mean being selfish or self absorbed, I mean thoughtlessness in the sense that there are no thoughts or projections wizzing in your brain.

This morning I was assigned by my service program to shovel snow. Seeing as I'm practically antsy and sad every time I have to work inside while the sun is shinning I was pretty much ecstatic to do it.  

It had snowed the day before in a magnificent shitload as I would call it. So much and such big flakes that after only a few hours the entire community was just covered in the perfect touchable powder white bliss that always has a way of making me a giddy goof.

So here I was shoveling the walkway with the sun out, the sky ice blue, and the wind clear and fresh. Soft patches of sunlight filtered through the trees so that there were checker boxes of sun and shade. It was when I reached a warm spot that I just stopped heaving and just turned my face to the sun. In that exact moment I was happy. Not excited or ecstatic or bouncing off the walls, but just happy. And I realize just like every other perfect moment I've had in my life, it's because there was no other thoughts going through my head other than what I was doing in that exact moment. I had no worries or regrets or stress or longings. I was just shoveling snow in the morning and that's it. That's all I was thinking, in fact I wasn't thinking it, I was just doing it.

I mean if I can feel such bliss from thoughtlessness for just an hour, what would or could my life be like if I used this practice every day. Maybe even for the rest of my life? I think I am on to something good..... :)

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I miss you Charity. I miss talking to you. I am alittle lost and I think you could help me. Where are you?

The way love should be

It's real. I am in love. I am falling in love. And I'm letting myself float deep into it. Like the way love should be. I didn't think this would ever happen to me. But here I am, lying in bed at noon curled into the side of his body, his arms pulled tight against me, his scruff tickling my neck as his soft lips drift down my neck, and god my heart squeezes with so much happiness it feels like pain and joy together. I don't know if it will last or if maybe I am getting to far ahead of myself, but right now, in this moment, I swear it is everything I ever wanted.

To you Ma

I had such a good day yesterday. It was like I was so pumped. So joyous. So excited. So in the moment. It was divine. A gift of what I can be like with divine mother infused in my daily life.

That's it. It's my sign to constantly try. I am making a universal promise. I will try everyday. To be more disciplined, but to still laugh when things don't go according to plans. To affirm strength in myself even when I feel at my lowest. To be consistently thankful for every gift and day as if they all mattered, even the bad days. I will open my heart to the beauty of darkness and the relief of light. I will take ahold of my ship and steer it towards the horizon. And as that song goes, though my sea is dark and my stars are gone, still I see the path through thy mercy. 

So much love. Just give give give. We are all looked after. And we all need to look after each other. That feeling poured out of me yesterday. Today I will hold onto that feeling. Try and cultivate this happiness, and give myself, the universe, and my ma all I have. To you ma. To you. 

All that Matters

Help me love who I am. What I am. And what I aspire to be.
Because that is all that matters.

Experiment. Experience. Expand

It is amazing what is happening to me here.

I am learning to trust people, in fact to love them, even when they hurt me, or worse, when they annoy me :P

I am learning to take my weak immune system, the fact that I sleep on average 3 hours per night, and my constant back problems, but I still get up in the morning and I still do service for this place.

I am learning to see that I am not as beautiful as I want to be, or as talented as I want to be, but I still have pieces of beauty in me, and I still can work on what I love.

I am learning how not to stress, worry, and pressure myself to BE someone. To be rich or important or any of that.

I am learning to trust my choice or the ones I have not made, because I am young and life should only be about experimenting.

I am learning that hugs always should be given, and to never be too shy to ask for one. The friends here are always ready to dole them out, which to me is the real kind of friend.

I am learning to use my will, or ask for the divine will when I am weak, when I don't feel like I can go on, and then somehow some way, I always have just enough strength to go on.

I am learning to be thankful for the gifts in my life no matter how small or simple. Vitamins, gluten free cookies, my instruments, my computer, my clothes on my back, my friends here, my family back home, and for all the people who are gone from my life but are in still in my heart.

I am learning to feel like there are signs, or that you have to keep demanding from the Divine for answers. She takes her sweet ass time sometimes, but eventually she gives you a nudge and you have to still be open by then to notice it.

I am learning to listen, rather than blab.

I am learning how to feel important enough that I have something worth saying, that I am worth listening to, which for me is HUGE.

I am learning to feel happy for other even in my jealously or sadness that they have something good.

I am learning to feel okay. Which is better than okay if you know what I mean

Life from now is will only be this. Experiment. Experience. Expand

Director of the Universe

"The Director of the Universe knows what to do with you, so why worry."

"Let go, because whatever plans you have for yourself, they will change. Divine Mother has a plan for you so might as well go with it."

I'm am learning, maybe not so much learning but dipping myself in surrender. Learning to trust in God, leave my anxiety, worries, expectations, and plans up into the hands of the universe. It's so simple. There is no purpose. There is no expectation except the expectations you put on yourself. The only thing you can do, the only thing to live for is this precise moment. Are you even there? Are you aware? Are you even just allowing yourself to be yourself? Are you taking time to laugh? To read? To play some music? Talk, and I mean really talk with someone? Are you okay with who you are? Are you okay in your situation, no matter how fucked up or confusing or unsure it is? If not, then that is all you need to work on. All you need to do. So simple. And yet so complicated.

I am no where near the answers to the endless fears and questions and choices I must make. But I am dipping my feet into the unknown and that is enough for me

That should be enough for anyone.