I just came back from a week visit to see me sister and her new baby. And boy was it both not what I expected and what I needed at the same time.
First off her little guy was absolutely gorgeous. With colour changing eyes and a giggly smile that can squeeze your heart. I felt absolutely overjoyed when he would dain to smile at my stupid made up sing songs or my shake the rattle skills. And I also felt extremely sensitive and anxious every time he groaned or whined, or even looked like he was about to cry.
It was a joy to meet and adore this little one. But at the same time, sometimes it really really felt like I wish he wouldn't be there so I could at least talk to connect with my sister one on one. I know its horrible to say let alone think that I wanted to treat a baby like a pet who could be put in another room and left there for a bit. But yes that thought did cross my mind.
I came there expecting that the sun would shine in sunny Cali, that delicious home cooked meals would be served to me, and that me and the family could sit at the river and swim and play all day.
What really happened is that is rained the entire week. Those meals had to be made by me (and also cleaned immediately after) and then by the time I finished I would have to start preparing the next meal (no joke). Or otherwise I was helping prepare orders alongside her husband Ty who runs a catering business as well as his regular day job.
Days were spend inside and it was like I was in constant library mode (as in SHHH) and when the sun did shine outside for a brief period I'd prepare to go out but then would be detained by some odd job or task or holding the baby which "would just take one sec". Invariably it'd take long enough for the sun to be gone and squash my will to go out.
I'm not saying it was all hard. But sometimes I actually felt so run down and overwhelmed I had to go into my room, lie on the floor, and just well, cry. With my insomnia, depression, and the needs of a baby…things can kinda get out of control.
But as a gift friday night my sis had some of my old friends Jaiya and Chris over for dinner. Ty cooked a beautiful dinner. And when our bellies were full from too much food and too much laughter we retired to the couch. Ty and Chris picked up some acoustic guitars and played together, plucking beautiful soft harmonies off each other. Ahhh music…. And because I was in that place of absolute satiety and peace I lay down in the crook in between Jaiya's belly as she gently played with my hair in a gesture so familiar and so comforting as only family can know. In that moment of closing my eyes I felt bliss.
My last day I decided a few hours before we had to leave to go for a walk on my own. I went to the ridge. The ridge. Sounds so plain but I cannot fully explain its beauty. It looks like a mother fucking post card picture. Its the highest hill in the Nevada city foothills. In one direction you see layers upon layers of evergreen mountains. They finally lead up to ice cap peaks in the far distance which hover like small triangles amongst storm clouds.
In the other direction there are the dry sand hills of the desert and the horizon which displays a 180 degree view of the most intensely pink and orange sunset of your life. I lay on the hills facing the mountain, lying in grass that even smells green. Watching pillowing white clouds mixed with storm edges pass the hills that flash sunlight and darkness like the shutter of a camera. In that moment I was again overwhelmed by sadness to leave and the beauty of trying to soak every last goddamn drop of this as I can. A few tears did manage to slip out.
I realized as I sat staring in the sky, that I am mourning the loss of my family. Not in the sense of physical death but of the attachment of the original ties. As the youngest of 4 kids I was always intensely dependant and enamoured of my brother and sisters. I loved them fiercely and always strived to matter to them. We were a team who played, wrestled, and yes fought, but always had each others back.
Now as an young adult I see that cannot be anymore. The eldest is a traveler, a roamer finding her place in and of the world as her family. My brother moved across the globe to be with his partner and is focused on building his career. And now my other sister has truly moved forward. She has a family of her own. Her affections and energy now must be to the little one and to her partner. I had to figure that out the rough way, but yes it finally clicked.
I can no longer be the baby or seek attention from my family. I must forge my own life now and depend on myself. That thought to some may be liberating, but honestly for me it has been a painful journey in which I am constantly relearning to let go. Let go Tina. Let go.
Sitting now at the train station I feel I would give up anything just to be back there at the house washing dishes or even changing diapers just to be part of that sweet home and the environment again. I wish I had cherished more the peace and routine of looking after my sister and her baby who really do deserve to be waited on dammit. Sometimes its hard to see what you should be doing until the moment has passed.
I am trying with all my might to be okay with who and where I am in this period of my life. I also hoping eventually to make it out of this tunnel of depression in which I am constantly running towards the small hole of light up ahead, yet which I never get any closer to.
I pray that I make it out. That I make it out. Not just alive, but thriving.
