Chillax

Going Going. Always running. Always rushed. Always in a hurry. To finish a task. To get out of work as early as I can. To finish a school project. To meet someone and still have time to get ready for school.

I got so stuck, get so stuck, in the rushing, the run to the finish line, that I missed the entire route. I forget the point, I miss out on the details, I blank out on any of the joy. Please stop tina. It''s not good for you. Being busy does not equal being productive, nor does it mean it will make you happy.

I just ended a photography course, a fun and playful colour print course. But being so beginner in a class full of advanced students, I felt and pushed myself to be my normal perfectionist. No border was ever good enough, no contrast was punchy enough. Prints that should have taken me 2 hours took 2 days.

Needless to say the final project I finished THE last class, when it was due. The only one in the darkroom hearing the others laugh and converse and look at each others work, I felt my heart sink yet again. I am so caught up in being as good, if not BETTER than others, judging myself against them that  forget to even please myself. I could have been okay with being slower and less knowledgeable about the subject. Being forgiving of shots that were perfectly fine to most, but not to my ruthless unmerciful inner critic. I had missed the fun of the course, the room for experimenting, exchanging it for exactness. I missed the whole course or soaking in learning, because I was so nervous and anxious about just finishing the final project. And now its over. Done. And here I am still. Crying from another opportunity I should have enjoyed for once.

Lesson: Slow down. Make a meal and do nothing but savour it. Make time for friends. Put aside responsibilities if you are making them everything. Find balance. Find play. Enjoy THE PROCESS. Stop worrying about the end result. And if you are learning, be forgiving of yourself. I mean come on, even Beethoven had to practice to get good. And last, CHILLLLLAX once and awhile. Its cheaper than therapy.

As in

Its funny how the smallest things can keep you alive.
A swim in the pool after the sun has set and no one is around.
An old movie clip of a family celebration
An email from a your kin
A funny text from an old love
An accomplishment for another of which you are proud of and not jealous (which is an accomplishment for yourself)
I need to be more okay and more thankful for the beautiful small things.
If I consistently look at life as to do lists or bad wake ups, then I will never be happy.

I read a mantra someone posted online the other day
it says:

I choose to happy
within myself
exactly as my life is today

I thought that was pretty powerful. I mean so simple. But the actual meaning, and the emphasis on believing what you are saying, when you say that mantra, is probably going to be the most difficult challenge of my life. But if I want to live, and I want to live long enough to enjoy it, I should choose to be happy. As in I have a choice. As in I can have that attitude. As in its possible. As is today, right now, I am choosing. To be happy.

Sometimes I have a hard time deciphering when I'm being kind, and when I'm breaking my back.
My sister is my heart. I love her and care for her deeply.
At the same time she can be one of the most airhead, flippity, unreliable people on the planet to me. Just to get this one acupuncture session arranged for her, a ride for her, and an appropriate time took an entire day of calling a friend back and forth for a ride, calling the doc to reschedule, and calling her to figure out when she could go.
Not to mention I just spent an entire pay check to get her the session. I love her but the heaviness of giving away a weeks worth of pay kills me a little. Does giving mean always sacrificing? Because lately that is how it has felt to me. Is it my shitty attitude that wreaks the giving? Or is it the fact that the giving has gone too far?
Who knows. I'm trying really hard to be okay with relearning a lot about myself. Particularly my intuition, my boundaries, and what I want and need from relationships, or more specifically friends.
All's I figured out in that department is that I want considerate, honest, unselfish, and playful people in my life. So far I haven't really met any, hence the drawing of my social circle is more like in the beginning dot of ink to paper phase. Not really there. But ready. Full of potential.
Don't lose heart I keep telling myself. God will attract the right people to me when I'm ready, and if not, again just take that time to focus on myself. What better excuse to be self caring, then having no one but yourself to care for. Just wish certain days I didn't feel so lonely..or pathetic…or lost. Dunno. Dunno. Just keep swimming at Dori would say.
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…..