I feel most fulfilled when I let go.
When there is no attachment to feelings.
Feelings like jealously, or nostaglia, or sadness.
2015. That was the year for ugly emotions. Comparing myself to others. Never coming close to even my perceived life.
Missing my family like crazy, wondering where they are in their life, if they even think of me, and why we all moved so far from being together (and not just geographically)
Finding out alot of my friends were not friends.
Learning the hard way to love is sometimes not the right choice, especially if it's not the right person.
The thing is I understand now. Everyone has moved on. Everyone is moving on. They are living their life because it is THEIRS. Because it's THEIR LIFE. Not mine.
No matter how much I worry, or stress, or wonder if I matter in other people lives is going to change my life. Because it is mine alone. And at the end of the day I can only smile with fondness when I see pictures of how happy all my loved ones have moved on, and nod past the ones of those who hurt me. Then I have to close my screen and go for jog, write some poetry, do something that reminds me to live. To breathe in every hour of MY life.
These sadnesses are all part of my past. And no matter how much it hurts to want to be loved, to be admired, to be seen, no one can fill that space in me, but me. I have to make this year about me. Not the slightest in a selfish way, but in a self loving way. In a self NEEDING way. I have so many years of self abuse and self hate to make up for, I think it's time I started mending now. I know this journey will not be easy or smooth, and yes it will be lonely as fuck (especially on those nights where I want to speed dial anyone to remind me that it's important I keep living), but I have to do it.
This is my last post in this blog.
Thank you to the universe who doesn't judge me, who gave me this platform to talk about things (no matter how lame or embarrassing). Thank you Divine Ma for giving me the occasional sunny day to make me feel alive again. Thank you universe for sending the few but golden friends I hope to continue to swear with when I'm 80.
So hears to the New Year and the possibilities of the infinite content. Because that is all I want. The contentness of inner and outer peace. In who I am. In who I can be. In who I know and believe I will become. I pray to God you hear me for all I want is you.
Here's to the New Year. May it be blessed with your overwhealming love and joy.
Inshallah.
