Transformation is never calm

So I'm going to be honest, I haven't been completely honest. This blog was meant to be the place if not the only place for me to lay my shit bare. But I worry how things will sound, if my family will read it and judge me, or even more ridiculous that a stranger will judge me. But that's not how I want to be. I don't want to be afraid of the future anymore. I don't want to be constantly missing the past. I want to give up on this ridiculous notion of finding someone to "complete me". Fuck those movies and those books and the whole mass media telling you that you have to find prince charming, find that right car, that right job, that right boob size to fill that gap in you that you constantly want to avoid by filling it with things.

I want to be happy inside who I am. A total loser nerd who like books and Beatles and smoking mary jane with the stars outside. Who is fragile and tough and unbelievable undecided about life. I feel like the gap only gets smaller when you start filling in your character instead of your desires. Becoming an adult is like reinventing yourself. You can change and add and discover yourself like you're meeting yourself for the first time. It's beautiful. And bloody sad. And sometimes devastating. Transformation is never calm. I need to know what my passion is. I am open to finding out anything. I am open. Please find me. I cannot decide what to pursue anymore. I am so lost ma, help me out. I cannot listen to sad music anymore haha.
I miss faith, can you call her for me. I need to meet up with her again.

Music or writing. Music or writing. Music or writing? Music or Writing? Music or Writing, Music or Writing, Music or Writing! Music or Writing! Music, or Writing?!

I feel like I miss someone who I don't know

 I can't explain it, but lately I feel a mixture of intense contentment and intense loneliness. I walk outside and feel the sun on my skin, the way it gently kisses my cheeks and I smile. I feel free. But then I feel this intense sadness. Like there's something vital missing. From the situation. From the heart. It feels like I miss someone who I don't know. What am I missing? Is it because of my old friends? My old life? My future life which I haven't grown into? My family? The love I have never experienced with a partner? The freedom of travelling? I wish more than anything I felt free but this society constantly moves so fast it does not give us time to breathe. To think. To feel. What should I do.. how can I take a step forward when I feel like I'm tied down to the past.

Be Badass. Be Bold

I'm alittle scared. I feel like every time I know what I want to do, I get pushed to another idea and I feel like I need to figure out what to do all over again. I had my last exam today. After 2 weeks, 3 hours sleep total, 4 exams, and  a toal of 8+ hours of exam time, I feel really exhausted. I came home and felt very weak, emotionally, physically, everything. Everyone in my family has told me I'm smart. And I get it, I'm a brain I've fucking always been, and they all want me to go to school, to study, to get the official degree, the official job, the actual 9-5 job, the only one in a family of artists. But coming home from those brutal classes which will determine my future, I just felt like crying. Whats the use of a brain if all I do is exhaust it, let it run my life. What's the use of learning if my brain is filled with usless facts I don't need. I feel really scared. I love my philosophy class cause it actually teaches us to think for ourselves, the only class on the planet which does actually. Why do I have to take algebra, Bio Chemistry, if I want to be a writer? This whole schooling system is so fucked up. They teach us to learn things we'll never use, and the courses which we do want to take, the ones thats inspire and open our world up, are worthless to graduating. I keep feeling like I should just go to that music school, fuck the regular degree stuff, do something that takes you out of your brain. Something that takes you into your damn fire. Stop being a chickshit, be badass. Be bold. Firgure it out. And hurry up cause your next class is in 5 mins....