You need will for Willpower

No no, I will not let him sway me. I will not let someones opinion overrule my dreams. I've done that for way too long. I need to be concrete in my passion. You need will, for willpower. I need to focus on what I hear when there are no other voices. When there is only one. My own.

Broken

I think the scary part is, I need to heal before I can run back into the wild.

I've put so much pressure on myself for the past 2 years. Stressing, and crying, and losing sleep, and worrying, and planning, and moping, and ripping myself to shreds, all over trying to figure out what to do with my life.

The irony of this all is that in figuring out what to do with my life, I've actually never been more out of touch or ignoring who I really am in my quest to figure out what I will be.

I've been saving and planning and yearning and longing for school, for an education, for some kind of passion that will be my ultimate career. Yet I've been ignoring how I'm hurting. How I'm still lost inside myself. How I haven't even spent one week without having at least one breakdown.

I am so broken, I can't even find large enough pieces to put it back together.

Last night I got caught in a bad situation. I went to friends house with a girlfriend who I know is toxic for me. But she and I hadn't seen this girlfriend in awhile and it was supposed to be this great reunion since all three of us had grown up together. It was fantastic. Until it wasn't. We had drinks, and listening to music way too loud, we ate obscene amounts of finger foods, and laughed as we drunkenly jumped outside on her old trampoline. I felt like it was all okay for a night. That I could relax. Just be happy for once and not feel pressured or guilty for not working at having purpose.

Of course though, life caught up to me. Late at night and chilling back in the house, we were all sitting on the couch, and somehow that same toxic friend after having too many drinks starting picking a fight with me. She said I was a bitch, that her friends thought so, that I couldn't see it.

I don't really like this girl, and I like her friends even less, so it shouldn't have bothered me. But it did.

Maybe I just can't handle anymore negativity from others about myself since I kind of don't like myself enough. I just started crying. Although I at least waited till I was outside and grabbed my stuff. I felt bad for our  good hostess for having to witness all of our fighting but I was more just feeling like if didn't get out of there I would shoot that girl and then myself.

So now it was 3am, and no buses are running and I'm in some suburban street.

I was stuck. And I knew it. I could sleep out in some park till buses started running in the morning. But I figured after debating, maybe just maybe I could try phoning my unreliable mother.

Weirdly she answered. And more weirdly she came and got me, at 3am and with her boyfriend who she asked to use his car.

Getting to her house, I fell on the couch and bawled. Like a fucking demon though. Not soft little cries expected from a pipsqueak girl like me. I moaned and shrieked and choked on my sadness. My mother just kept asking what was wrong. And all I could say was, "I'm broken, I'm so broken." It became like a chant.

Of course my mother just thought I was distraught about the fight, but the thing was I was distraught about my whole entire being.

Now here I am. My spirit in shards. I need to find a way to regain who I am before I can even think about entering back into the world.

Make your Own map

"It's time you start taking control of your life. I can't do it anymore, you're an adult now. I can guide you. But it's up to you to do things on your own now."

Yes I know. 
I know dad but it's scary.

Realizing you're an adult when you still feel like a screwed up teenie bopper can be literally the scariest thing to find out. That you are responsible for yourself now. That every tumble, scrape, drunken night, ticket, missed appointment, even food choices are now on you. There is no one to correct, confront, or compromise for you anymore.

I have so much energy and none. I want to be a dancer, a photographer, a musician, a producer, a script writer, an aryuvedic doctor, but as soon as I get home from work all I can accomplish is making dinner and watching TV.

What can you do? What can I do? PLAN.

"Get a poster. Make a dream board. Plan the next few years, things you want to accomplish or see or do. And then get pictures, visuals, reminders. Make a bucket list. Write it all down."

I was coming back from the kitchen one night with my food and heading to my room when I passed my roommates open door. She's one of those perky Australian travellers who have been everywhere and seen everything and the only thing constant in her life is change. I noticed on her closet door she had posted several cute yellow post it notes. Each individual one had a name of a city or place she wanted to go and then even more specifically some had sights or activities to do in each place. I thought my god here I am trying to get stock of my life and here is someone already on the right track.

Goals, plans, dreams sometimes are heavy weights to bear. Court orders or tickets we want to sweep under the rug and pretend they don't exist so we don't actually have to put some effort in.

However they can be light and vital. They can be candied sweets that we savour in our minds and strings in our heart that hold us up.

If you feel lost, thats natural. The only thing you can do it make your own map.

Only as Beautiful as you make it

I need to be positive. But before I do that I need to be positive about being positive. I owe it to others. But mostly I owe it to myself. Life is only as beautiful as you make it.