Broken

I think the scary part is, I need to heal before I can run back into the wild.

I've put so much pressure on myself for the past 2 years. Stressing, and crying, and losing sleep, and worrying, and planning, and moping, and ripping myself to shreds, all over trying to figure out what to do with my life.

The irony of this all is that in figuring out what to do with my life, I've actually never been more out of touch or ignoring who I really am in my quest to figure out what I will be.

I've been saving and planning and yearning and longing for school, for an education, for some kind of passion that will be my ultimate career. Yet I've been ignoring how I'm hurting. How I'm still lost inside myself. How I haven't even spent one week without having at least one breakdown.

I am so broken, I can't even find large enough pieces to put it back together.

Last night I got caught in a bad situation. I went to friends house with a girlfriend who I know is toxic for me. But she and I hadn't seen this girlfriend in awhile and it was supposed to be this great reunion since all three of us had grown up together. It was fantastic. Until it wasn't. We had drinks, and listening to music way too loud, we ate obscene amounts of finger foods, and laughed as we drunkenly jumped outside on her old trampoline. I felt like it was all okay for a night. That I could relax. Just be happy for once and not feel pressured or guilty for not working at having purpose.

Of course though, life caught up to me. Late at night and chilling back in the house, we were all sitting on the couch, and somehow that same toxic friend after having too many drinks starting picking a fight with me. She said I was a bitch, that her friends thought so, that I couldn't see it.

I don't really like this girl, and I like her friends even less, so it shouldn't have bothered me. But it did.

Maybe I just can't handle anymore negativity from others about myself since I kind of don't like myself enough. I just started crying. Although I at least waited till I was outside and grabbed my stuff. I felt bad for our  good hostess for having to witness all of our fighting but I was more just feeling like if didn't get out of there I would shoot that girl and then myself.

So now it was 3am, and no buses are running and I'm in some suburban street.

I was stuck. And I knew it. I could sleep out in some park till buses started running in the morning. But I figured after debating, maybe just maybe I could try phoning my unreliable mother.

Weirdly she answered. And more weirdly she came and got me, at 3am and with her boyfriend who she asked to use his car.

Getting to her house, I fell on the couch and bawled. Like a fucking demon though. Not soft little cries expected from a pipsqueak girl like me. I moaned and shrieked and choked on my sadness. My mother just kept asking what was wrong. And all I could say was, "I'm broken, I'm so broken." It became like a chant.

Of course my mother just thought I was distraught about the fight, but the thing was I was distraught about my whole entire being.

Now here I am. My spirit in shards. I need to find a way to regain who I am before I can even think about entering back into the world.