Everyday that I spend enjoying the day, I enjoy it. Every day that I spend thinking in my head, being somewhere else, I stress and I fall into sadness. It is hard for me though, I want to enjoy my life. Yesterday was the perfect example. I soaked the day up with J just sitting in the sun, making homemade sushi with Mel, having laughs and popcorn with my yogi buddies for dinner. Spending a big chunk of the afternoon lying in J's arms and kissing every inch of each other like we were engrossed in rediscovering each other after being apart for awhile. It was all divine. I am grateful for it all.
But at the same time I'm still not closer to my purpose, to my dreams, to my ambitions for myself. I can't help it. It's always there and it's always going to nag me. And thats not living and thinking and being in the present moment is it?
How do we achieve that balance between being in the now and working towards our dreams?
Sunday, 28 April 2013
Friday, 19 April 2013
Loving Self Discipline
I am a little confused. And scared.
Life is so big and overwhelming sometimes, then so personal and so beautiful the next.
I have some big decisions to face soon. Where to live. If I will stay with my partner despite distance. What passion to pursue for my career. Where to go to school. How I will afford it. If I can manage to stay on the path outside of my ashram. Most importantly, will I survive or overcome this depression which has been part of my life for so long. It stuns me and humbles me that I have been here for so long and yet I still feel like I need to stay even when I have to leave. Leave.Wow. This beautiful place where I may not have fully given myself to God, but at least felt like I am becoming more of who I really am. Whatever that is I hope she will stick around for me through this very chaotic and unknown part of my life. I have to own who I am and take charge of my life. I have to stop being a back seat driver in my life. I need to lovingly self discipline myself to take advantage of my time here on this planet.
Life is so big and overwhelming sometimes, then so personal and so beautiful the next.
I have some big decisions to face soon. Where to live. If I will stay with my partner despite distance. What passion to pursue for my career. Where to go to school. How I will afford it. If I can manage to stay on the path outside of my ashram. Most importantly, will I survive or overcome this depression which has been part of my life for so long. It stuns me and humbles me that I have been here for so long and yet I still feel like I need to stay even when I have to leave. Leave.Wow. This beautiful place where I may not have fully given myself to God, but at least felt like I am becoming more of who I really am. Whatever that is I hope she will stick around for me through this very chaotic and unknown part of my life. I have to own who I am and take charge of my life. I have to stop being a back seat driver in my life. I need to lovingly self discipline myself to take advantage of my time here on this planet.
Monday, 15 April 2013
You are not your thoughts
You are not your thoughts. People get trapped in this. I got trapped in it, for a long ass time. People think because they have a tendancy towards negative thoughts they are negative, which eventually becomes their whole world. But there is a process in who we are. We have choice.
Like if one day you are driving down the road, and someone suddenly cuts you off and drives ahead, our natural reaction would be of anger, of indignation, of hate. That is the REACTION, an effect of the cause. Next step is rationalization or observation. We analyze what happened, why it happened (maybe he was late for work or woke up late) and the how we are involved in the situation.
Step 1 and 2 are just reactive states, parts of the mind firing signals. But the real part, the part that really is YOU and really consists of YOUR CHOICE is the next part. You can let that situation control you, (aka you can decide to let that jackoff ruin your whole day and make you in a foul mood) or you can pull up and out of the situation ( deciding that okay maybe he was just late and I happened to be there during his drive) in which you are the master of the situation. So yes you will have reactions, and yes you will analyze things, but the real part of your mind which is really you, is your CHOICES. YOUR ATTITUDE.
My friends and I talked today about self effort vs. divine grace and which really get's the job done on the spiritual path. It's both. Choosing to attune yourself to higher divine qualities (love, compassion, honesty, perseverance) instead of the downward easier choices (anger, selfishness, dishonesty, cowardice) in all situations no matter how hard is your self effort. Choosing to turn towards goodness and deciding to put your energy into bettering yourself and the planet is definite self effort. Divine grace is those divine qualities, so we are meeting grace half way. Divine grace flows when we are aiming our will towards it, when we decide to open ourselves to it. I will consciously work to turn myself to grace over the easier, lesser path. Or as Frost said
Two paths diverged in the woods
And I
I took the road less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.
Like if one day you are driving down the road, and someone suddenly cuts you off and drives ahead, our natural reaction would be of anger, of indignation, of hate. That is the REACTION, an effect of the cause. Next step is rationalization or observation. We analyze what happened, why it happened (maybe he was late for work or woke up late) and the how we are involved in the situation.
Step 1 and 2 are just reactive states, parts of the mind firing signals. But the real part, the part that really is YOU and really consists of YOUR CHOICE is the next part. You can let that situation control you, (aka you can decide to let that jackoff ruin your whole day and make you in a foul mood) or you can pull up and out of the situation ( deciding that okay maybe he was just late and I happened to be there during his drive) in which you are the master of the situation. So yes you will have reactions, and yes you will analyze things, but the real part of your mind which is really you, is your CHOICES. YOUR ATTITUDE.
My friends and I talked today about self effort vs. divine grace and which really get's the job done on the spiritual path. It's both. Choosing to attune yourself to higher divine qualities (love, compassion, honesty, perseverance) instead of the downward easier choices (anger, selfishness, dishonesty, cowardice) in all situations no matter how hard is your self effort. Choosing to turn towards goodness and deciding to put your energy into bettering yourself and the planet is definite self effort. Divine grace is those divine qualities, so we are meeting grace half way. Divine grace flows when we are aiming our will towards it, when we decide to open ourselves to it. I will consciously work to turn myself to grace over the easier, lesser path. Or as Frost said
Two paths diverged in the woods
And I
I took the road less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.
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