Find a good place soon....

After getting the great news that I got a place I wanted the other day, I decided to be responsible and phone back all the other people who's places I had seen to tell I had found my place, but thanks anyways. I packed. I planned. I played bob marley and bounced all through packing my life away. Then this morning a text. A gruff "Jess called" from my father. Jess was going to be my new roommate.
"What does she want?"
"Check you're email, you'll find out."
"Why don't you just tell me what she said?"
"Just read the damn mail"

Slams the door.

Type in email fast. Hit enter a hundred time even as it's still loading. There's something about the way my dad is avoiding my questions that makes me fear it's bad news. There it is. A email from *********@gmail.com

Hey Christina, I have some bad news. It doesn't look like my current roomate is going to get that place he wanted, it's being renovated. So he's going to stay. I hope you find a good place soon. 
-Jess


That's it? I packed, I phoned all those people to say no, I have only a week now to find a place, and you send me a 3 sentance email to tell me?

I cannot believe this. Only yesturday I was happy to start my future. I was thanking the angels for bringing me a break. And I thought I was finally given something good. I had something good for less than 24 hours.

Why? Why? WHY?

Maybe God can call me a taxi

I want things to happen for me that are good. That are kind. That restore me. That make me feel safe again. That allow me to trust even if I am walking blind. I want assurance. I want insurance. I want to stop making choices that are bad for me becuase they are easier. I want the best even if it means working harder. I want things to work out even if "working out" means something good happened but not the way I had planned. Mostly I want to feel like I'm not at the bottom of a steep hill looking up. Maybe God can call me a taxi. But I don't have his number.

All those enough's

I don't support others enough
I don't clean the house often enough
I don't smile enough
I don't meditate enough
I don't chase guys enough
I don't study enough
I don't work enough
I don't focus enough
I don't love God enough
I don't hang out with people enough
I don't open my heart enough

These are the things people tell me everyday. And I wonder why I never feel good about myself. I wish I knew somebody, anybody who felt like I was enough without having to do all those enough's.