I'm doing a business accounting course :(
for those who are not Asian, mathematics lovers, and descendants of Albert Einstein, you know what I mean when I say I hate accounting. I mean I'm trying to learn, I"m trying to get better at it, I'm trying to understand what the fuck the professor writes on the board. But that's just it. I'm always in the trying stage! I mean when am I gonna get to the lightbulb-goes-off-in-the-brain stage??
Funny thing is though is I'm starting to kind of see my life in a Inventory format way. Even rating people as well.
For me it goes something like this. Scale of 1-10, 10 being good.
ASSETS:
Personality.....8
Humour..........9
Ability to go from queek to chic....10
Work Ethic.............(can I give myself 100 on a scale of 10?
Total= 127
LIABILITY
Money........-100000(currently in negative dollars due to fucking school fees and having to eat occasionally)
Upkeep of Apperance......1
Smartness ..........1 (thanks to accounting goddammit)
Finding a good Career.......0
Total= -98000
TOTAL SCORE: 127- (-98000)= you're screwed
Shit I need to up my assets. Maybe if I add a toned ass or something I could get my plus income points...
Fucking kidding. Sorry I'm rambling. Just feeling like I need to rant. Back to the books :P
Monday, 30 January 2012
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Natural or Rational?
I have a philosophy class in school, and I thought it would be amazing, and it is in one way...but it another it's kinda terrible.
I mean I'm all for rationality, reason, facts, evidence, against faith. But it feels to me like this teacher is set on attacking everything spiritual or everything that has a natural law behind it.
For those who don't have a philosophy book in they're hand, the Natural law basically says that everything in the natural world has a reason or PURPOSE behind it. Like if a hurricane hits, it's because of humanity's karma. Or if one person dies and another lives, that survivor was probably a better person.
But that can't be right. I mean a hurricane has no conscience or brain that says, "I'm going to punish people for what they did to the earth." It's just a hurricane. It's just a change in winds. And it just happened to be passing through the land that day.
Or if mass murderer and a child both have cancer, and if the murder gets to live, obviously that wasn't the right choice right?
So rationality says that natural law is bogus. And that rationality is what distinguishes us as a human being. What makes things work.
But what about the rationality we are living in. We are constantly reproducing as humans, we have mass starvation and population crisis' everywhere. Rationality dictates that well if we have a growing population, then we need more resources. We need to expand. We need to make more room. We need to chop more trees down. Take more fish to feed the empty mouths. But in that very action of rationality, we are ignoring natrual law. That those trees had a purpose in the area. That overfishing and mass slaughter of animals is leaving more species extinct. That we are in fact temporarily feeding the overpopulation, but also speeding up the end of our own demise.
In the natural law, a virus or a species that it overpopulated, by natural selection and by natural balance, is destroyed or lessend to achieve balance once again. The natural law in fact says, that balance IS purpose. It's what keeps the sustainability of life ongoing.
But becuase humans have conscience, have power, have the unique mind with the ability to go against the natural order, we do not follow the balance. We overtake, overuse, overspend, and overpower our way of life against all other species and inhabitants of this planet. And yet still humans think rationality is better. I mean I understand rationality is needed to govern life, but in matters of sustaining life, which is better to follow? The natural or the rational?
I mean I'm all for rationality, reason, facts, evidence, against faith. But it feels to me like this teacher is set on attacking everything spiritual or everything that has a natural law behind it.
For those who don't have a philosophy book in they're hand, the Natural law basically says that everything in the natural world has a reason or PURPOSE behind it. Like if a hurricane hits, it's because of humanity's karma. Or if one person dies and another lives, that survivor was probably a better person.
But that can't be right. I mean a hurricane has no conscience or brain that says, "I'm going to punish people for what they did to the earth." It's just a hurricane. It's just a change in winds. And it just happened to be passing through the land that day.
Or if mass murderer and a child both have cancer, and if the murder gets to live, obviously that wasn't the right choice right?
So rationality says that natural law is bogus. And that rationality is what distinguishes us as a human being. What makes things work.
But what about the rationality we are living in. We are constantly reproducing as humans, we have mass starvation and population crisis' everywhere. Rationality dictates that well if we have a growing population, then we need more resources. We need to expand. We need to make more room. We need to chop more trees down. Take more fish to feed the empty mouths. But in that very action of rationality, we are ignoring natrual law. That those trees had a purpose in the area. That overfishing and mass slaughter of animals is leaving more species extinct. That we are in fact temporarily feeding the overpopulation, but also speeding up the end of our own demise.
In the natural law, a virus or a species that it overpopulated, by natural selection and by natural balance, is destroyed or lessend to achieve balance once again. The natural law in fact says, that balance IS purpose. It's what keeps the sustainability of life ongoing.
But becuase humans have conscience, have power, have the unique mind with the ability to go against the natural order, we do not follow the balance. We overtake, overuse, overspend, and overpower our way of life against all other species and inhabitants of this planet. And yet still humans think rationality is better. I mean I understand rationality is needed to govern life, but in matters of sustaining life, which is better to follow? The natural or the rational?
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Unbiased God
Am I the only one who thinks religion is bullshit? Or more specifically religious people?
I hear them on the TV, they're in the newspaper articles, they're in my life. They're on bumper stickers, on songs and in my bloody philosophy class. They preach about their ways. They say they're way is the only way. That I'm missing out. That I am wrong. That I'm cynical. That I am cursed. That I'm going to hell. But wait! They have the get-out-of-hell free card....just convert :)
Let me tell you something. You are not a better than me because you believe in something I don't. You are not a better person because you condemn others. You don't have a better chance at going to heaven because you follow scriptures. You are not a better person because you say everyone else is damned. You are not a better person for judging someone if they're homosexual, or of a different faith, or because they believe in science.
You are not a better person if you use the "word of God" to kill another person, to stone a woman to death, to bomb a country, to make someone feel like they are hopeless. You're not closer to God than anyone else just because you think you've found the "right" path.
You don't have a better chance at Heaven if you push ideas on other people. If you put fear and restrictions on others. If you coerce someone into something they did not want themselves.
And most of all. It doesn't matter how much praying, or yoga, or meditation you practice, if you can't follow simple morals and have good intentions towards others, you are still in the preschool stage of enlightenment. You can do all the religious practices you want.
But in the end are you a good person?
Because my nameless, religionless, unbiased God, he cares about that the most.
I hear them on the TV, they're in the newspaper articles, they're in my life. They're on bumper stickers, on songs and in my bloody philosophy class. They preach about their ways. They say they're way is the only way. That I'm missing out. That I am wrong. That I'm cynical. That I am cursed. That I'm going to hell. But wait! They have the get-out-of-hell free card....just convert :)
Let me tell you something. You are not a better than me because you believe in something I don't. You are not a better person because you condemn others. You don't have a better chance at going to heaven because you follow scriptures. You are not a better person because you say everyone else is damned. You are not a better person for judging someone if they're homosexual, or of a different faith, or because they believe in science.
You are not a better person if you use the "word of God" to kill another person, to stone a woman to death, to bomb a country, to make someone feel like they are hopeless. You're not closer to God than anyone else just because you think you've found the "right" path.
You don't have a better chance at Heaven if you push ideas on other people. If you put fear and restrictions on others. If you coerce someone into something they did not want themselves.
And most of all. It doesn't matter how much praying, or yoga, or meditation you practice, if you can't follow simple morals and have good intentions towards others, you are still in the preschool stage of enlightenment. You can do all the religious practices you want.
But in the end are you a good person?
Because my nameless, religionless, unbiased God, he cares about that the most.
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Kicking some anonymous ass
I just thought I'd laugh. Apparently people are just as crazy as I thought. A certain "someone" from a certain blog entry of mine (cough cough Find a good place soon...) contacted me out of the blue because I used her email in my blog. Apparently I guess people are that bored. I mean how the fuck did she even find my blog? I deleted the name of course just cause I know how hard it must be for "anonymous" to own up to her actions....
but still really really funny. I guess I kinda understand now that maybe this blog thing isn't as secret as I thought. Or like I said this chick is really really bored and felt like kicking some anonymous ass :P
Tonight I'll erase the name in order of keeping the peace, keeping the order of privacy intact, and mostly in order to appease the people who like to go into the whole suing people over lame shit :).
but still really really funny. I guess I kinda understand now that maybe this blog thing isn't as secret as I thought. Or like I said this chick is really really bored and felt like kicking some anonymous ass :P
Tonight I'll erase the name in order of keeping the peace, keeping the order of privacy intact, and mostly in order to appease the people who like to go into the whole suing people over lame shit :).
Thursday, 19 January 2012
WANTED: PHILOSOPHICAL MENTOR
So I'm wondering when school has to end because I am both terrified and glad when that moment comes.
I mean for me to get up before noon is a huge accomplishment, both considering I'm a fucked up kid and also because I'm psychologically programmed to be an insomniac. But with the reason of college classes I've found myself up and awake and ready for life again. I don't eat much, I study fucking everyday, and I struggle understanding most of what my classes are about. But I'm starting to feel content.
Not crazy excited about everything, or so much a nerd that I need to study to be happy, but in a sense reading and learning again is so wonderful after so many months of well...how shall we say "catering to assholes in the checkout isle" in a more polite way?
I don't know though, I still feel like something is missing. I kind of always do when I'm happy. It's like when I finally achieve what I'm after, I start feeling like it's not as good as it should be. Like it's flawed or it could be better. Why is that? Am I just naturally the most pessimistic person alive (I'm starting to feel like I could be) or is it true?
I just feel like I'm heading down a path that leaves behind so many other things I've wanted to do. I'm learning academics at college, but then I'm giving up becoming a writer. I'm giving up my dream to be a dj. To become a movie producer. A director. A vet. A philosopher. A freaking interior designer (that one's more just cuz I choose a good color for my bedroom and was so pleased with myself). But still. I feel like life is really about having the confidence to walk down a road and not look back before you even get lost.
I think what my life is missing is a mentor. I mean it's pretty obvious if you've read my other blogs that I'm a loner and a loser. It's kind of just a fact. Some people are funny, some people are pretty. I got this weird philosphical emotional crazy personality that makes me like a pariah in this society. I mean I love people and I wish I was one of those social butterflies that just have everyone begging to be attatched to their wings, but I'm not.
But I feel like I should have lived in older times, where people had mentors like Socrates and Aristotle who literally coached and taught and explored the world in more detail with their students. It's sounds so fucking cheesy and lame but fuck it. This is for me right. You guys can continue getting smashed in parking lots and having dance sex at a club, I wanna chill with Socrates! *(how cool am I?)
The thing is where do I find such a mentor? I mean criagslist has no heading called "PHILOSOPHICAL MENTORS".
Should I put out an ad in the newspaper?
WANTED: MIDDLE AGED MENTOR NEEDED FOR UNSTABLE GIRL
BE SMART. BE WISE. BE HOT??
hahah especially the last part...I'm joking byt the way....sorta :P
Oh fuck. I guess I just miss company of someone I can look up to.
I mean the best conversation I've ever had was in the waiting room of a doctors office. This wringgled old chinese man with pepper grey hair was sitting beside me. We started talking about the randomist shit. But amazing stuff came up. The emotional baggage of family. Our beliefs in the afterlife. Things we'd probably done in past lives. He said he was a Chinese emperor. I said I've had dreams that I was a horse
He even did a palm reading for me. He said he was a healer and could read people in this life. He took one look at my hand and spoke.
"You have strong mind. Intelligent beyond age.
But heavy emotions. They rule over you. Make you sick in heart. Strong passion, but lots of fear. Too much worry. Too much fear. You will grow old quickly if you let emotion take over. You will be successful but much work to get there. Lots of past ancestreal karma. Many problem with parents in this life. Curse put on you from past. Maybe you say you'll never be rich, so now you suffer with money. Lots of potential, only if you choose."
I felt like crying right there in that waiting room. With the babies crying and the manicured ladies flipping through magazines, I could have bawled if I hadn't bit my tongue so hard to hold in the tears. I felt like this man and stripped me naked and now Iwas emotionally more bare and vulnerable then I ever would be. It was a horrible experience. I hated him for awhile. But I also felt loved and amazing like for the first time I had the most honest conversation with someone.
I never saw that man again. I can't even remember his name. I wish I had. Because that is what I want. A teacher who can know me with just a look and see all my shit, but also all my pent up potential that I am dying to unleash.
So if you are reading this dear mentor please find me!
Or at least send me an email.
I mean for me to get up before noon is a huge accomplishment, both considering I'm a fucked up kid and also because I'm psychologically programmed to be an insomniac. But with the reason of college classes I've found myself up and awake and ready for life again. I don't eat much, I study fucking everyday, and I struggle understanding most of what my classes are about. But I'm starting to feel content.
Not crazy excited about everything, or so much a nerd that I need to study to be happy, but in a sense reading and learning again is so wonderful after so many months of well...how shall we say "catering to assholes in the checkout isle" in a more polite way?
I don't know though, I still feel like something is missing. I kind of always do when I'm happy. It's like when I finally achieve what I'm after, I start feeling like it's not as good as it should be. Like it's flawed or it could be better. Why is that? Am I just naturally the most pessimistic person alive (I'm starting to feel like I could be) or is it true?
I just feel like I'm heading down a path that leaves behind so many other things I've wanted to do. I'm learning academics at college, but then I'm giving up becoming a writer. I'm giving up my dream to be a dj. To become a movie producer. A director. A vet. A philosopher. A freaking interior designer (that one's more just cuz I choose a good color for my bedroom and was so pleased with myself). But still. I feel like life is really about having the confidence to walk down a road and not look back before you even get lost.
I think what my life is missing is a mentor. I mean it's pretty obvious if you've read my other blogs that I'm a loner and a loser. It's kind of just a fact. Some people are funny, some people are pretty. I got this weird philosphical emotional crazy personality that makes me like a pariah in this society. I mean I love people and I wish I was one of those social butterflies that just have everyone begging to be attatched to their wings, but I'm not.
But I feel like I should have lived in older times, where people had mentors like Socrates and Aristotle who literally coached and taught and explored the world in more detail with their students. It's sounds so fucking cheesy and lame but fuck it. This is for me right. You guys can continue getting smashed in parking lots and having dance sex at a club, I wanna chill with Socrates! *(how cool am I?)
The thing is where do I find such a mentor? I mean criagslist has no heading called "PHILOSOPHICAL MENTORS".
Should I put out an ad in the newspaper?
WANTED: MIDDLE AGED MENTOR NEEDED FOR UNSTABLE GIRL
BE SMART. BE WISE. BE HOT??
hahah especially the last part...I'm joking byt the way....sorta :P
Oh fuck. I guess I just miss company of someone I can look up to.
I mean the best conversation I've ever had was in the waiting room of a doctors office. This wringgled old chinese man with pepper grey hair was sitting beside me. We started talking about the randomist shit. But amazing stuff came up. The emotional baggage of family. Our beliefs in the afterlife. Things we'd probably done in past lives. He said he was a Chinese emperor. I said I've had dreams that I was a horse
He even did a palm reading for me. He said he was a healer and could read people in this life. He took one look at my hand and spoke.
"You have strong mind. Intelligent beyond age.
But heavy emotions. They rule over you. Make you sick in heart. Strong passion, but lots of fear. Too much worry. Too much fear. You will grow old quickly if you let emotion take over. You will be successful but much work to get there. Lots of past ancestreal karma. Many problem with parents in this life. Curse put on you from past. Maybe you say you'll never be rich, so now you suffer with money. Lots of potential, only if you choose."
I felt like crying right there in that waiting room. With the babies crying and the manicured ladies flipping through magazines, I could have bawled if I hadn't bit my tongue so hard to hold in the tears. I felt like this man and stripped me naked and now Iwas emotionally more bare and vulnerable then I ever would be. It was a horrible experience. I hated him for awhile. But I also felt loved and amazing like for the first time I had the most honest conversation with someone.
I never saw that man again. I can't even remember his name. I wish I had. Because that is what I want. A teacher who can know me with just a look and see all my shit, but also all my pent up potential that I am dying to unleash.
So if you are reading this dear mentor please find me!
Or at least send me an email.
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
Or at least maybe..
My sister told me, "You're going to be a great business woman someday. Your so intelligent and pretty, I mean most people only get one or the other. But you have both."
I snorted, "Me, pretty?" HAH
"Seriously. You can't get anywhere on just looks, you have to have talent. But I mean it definitely helps."
Well then why does it always feel like I can never get anywhere? I love my sister for being the only one who gives me compliments and reminds me that I worth something once and awhile. But most of the time I just kinda wish someone else noticed me other than my family. I feel very much like I've lost my ability to connect with people these days. They talk about Dior, and timeline on Facebook, and guys they've screwed, and I'm still into The Beatles and books. I wonder when I'll find those people who make me feel good again. That restore my confidence back in being exactly the way I am. A nerd. Or at least maybe a pretty nerd....
I snorted, "Me, pretty?" HAH
"Seriously. You can't get anywhere on just looks, you have to have talent. But I mean it definitely helps."
Well then why does it always feel like I can never get anywhere? I love my sister for being the only one who gives me compliments and reminds me that I worth something once and awhile. But most of the time I just kinda wish someone else noticed me other than my family. I feel very much like I've lost my ability to connect with people these days. They talk about Dior, and timeline on Facebook, and guys they've screwed, and I'm still into The Beatles and books. I wonder when I'll find those people who make me feel good again. That restore my confidence back in being exactly the way I am. A nerd. Or at least maybe a pretty nerd....
Friday, 13 January 2012
I think that Lion was me
I had a dream last night. Dream is a light word for what I experienced. I had a physical and mental shock that past from my unconscious into my conscious.
What I remember was somehow I was is this desert. Golden sand for miles and sunlight so bright I felt like a lizard in a tank with a lamp hanging right over me. I can't remember specifics of who I was in the dream. Whether I was me, or some guy, or maybe really just a lizard, part of the desert surroundings. But I could see everything and nothing at the same time.
Until I saw a lion. Or at least I could see the outline of him in the distance. He was football fields away, but even from that distance, I could see his head turned towards me. I could see him looking at me. I shuttered. He moved closer, walking. Almost lazily, like he had all the time in the world. And then he started picking up his back feet, and his head bent forward in the wind. Pacing.
I wanted to turn, I wanted to run with everything inside me, but just like a dream, I couldn't.
He was now a field away. That's when in went into attack mode. Full on running at me. His mane flapping back behind him.
I screamed but nothing came. I ducked but he was still coming at me.
The last thing I remember was seeing him a foot away and his big golden eyes looking straight into me as he pounced forward, ready to take me down. And for some reason, mixed in with the absolute terrifying reality I was going to die, I was also in awe. His eyes were so big. So large they filled my whole vision. And it looked like I was looking into a whole universe contained within his gaze. I snapped awake, sitting upright and sweating so badly my clothes were damp.
It felt like the most blessed curse.
I talked to my sister the next morning about it and she said it was a good sign. That it was a powerhouse symbol coming to me.
But how can dying and being scared shitless be a good sign?
I think it meant things are coming for me. Terrible, terrifying, drastic things. But they will be just as fierce in their magnificence.
Just like the time I once did this questionnaire story thing, that symbolically tells you about yourself. My friend asked, "If you are in a field and off to the side a storm is coming, what does it look like? What are the clouds like? What does the air feel like?"
I said the storm would have strong winds, and violent black clouds, and slashing through it would be pink lighting. Apparently the "storm" was a symbol of what my future problems would be like in my life.
And true to form, my hardships are huge, they are rough, but just like my pink lightning, they are also blazing forms of change, that in the end are gifts. The worst things that happen to me are also going to be my greatest moments.
That lion was a physical embodiment of the way I react to life, fearful and scared shitless as it comes right at me. But only at the exact moment before despair, I gave in. I allowed myself to be at peace.
I wonder why it's only at the moment of destruction, we realize we should have done things different, and why before we die we finally have peace.
I look at the lion now like he is my greatest fear and greatest power. And I think he knows that too. Because somehow I think that lion was me.
What I remember was somehow I was is this desert. Golden sand for miles and sunlight so bright I felt like a lizard in a tank with a lamp hanging right over me. I can't remember specifics of who I was in the dream. Whether I was me, or some guy, or maybe really just a lizard, part of the desert surroundings. But I could see everything and nothing at the same time.
Until I saw a lion. Or at least I could see the outline of him in the distance. He was football fields away, but even from that distance, I could see his head turned towards me. I could see him looking at me. I shuttered. He moved closer, walking. Almost lazily, like he had all the time in the world. And then he started picking up his back feet, and his head bent forward in the wind. Pacing.
I wanted to turn, I wanted to run with everything inside me, but just like a dream, I couldn't.
He was now a field away. That's when in went into attack mode. Full on running at me. His mane flapping back behind him.
I screamed but nothing came. I ducked but he was still coming at me.
The last thing I remember was seeing him a foot away and his big golden eyes looking straight into me as he pounced forward, ready to take me down. And for some reason, mixed in with the absolute terrifying reality I was going to die, I was also in awe. His eyes were so big. So large they filled my whole vision. And it looked like I was looking into a whole universe contained within his gaze. I snapped awake, sitting upright and sweating so badly my clothes were damp.
It felt like the most blessed curse.
I talked to my sister the next morning about it and she said it was a good sign. That it was a powerhouse symbol coming to me.
But how can dying and being scared shitless be a good sign?
I think it meant things are coming for me. Terrible, terrifying, drastic things. But they will be just as fierce in their magnificence.
Just like the time I once did this questionnaire story thing, that symbolically tells you about yourself. My friend asked, "If you are in a field and off to the side a storm is coming, what does it look like? What are the clouds like? What does the air feel like?"
I said the storm would have strong winds, and violent black clouds, and slashing through it would be pink lighting. Apparently the "storm" was a symbol of what my future problems would be like in my life.
And true to form, my hardships are huge, they are rough, but just like my pink lightning, they are also blazing forms of change, that in the end are gifts. The worst things that happen to me are also going to be my greatest moments.
That lion was a physical embodiment of the way I react to life, fearful and scared shitless as it comes right at me. But only at the exact moment before despair, I gave in. I allowed myself to be at peace.
I wonder why it's only at the moment of destruction, we realize we should have done things different, and why before we die we finally have peace.
I look at the lion now like he is my greatest fear and greatest power. And I think he knows that too. Because somehow I think that lion was me.
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