WANTED: PHILOSOPHICAL MENTOR

So I'm wondering when school has to end because I am both terrified and glad when that moment comes.

I mean for me to get up before noon is a huge accomplishment, both considering I'm a fucked up kid and also because I'm psychologically programmed to be an insomniac. But with the reason of college classes I've found myself up and awake and ready for life again. I don't eat much, I study fucking everyday, and I struggle understanding most of what my classes are about. But I'm starting to feel content.

Not crazy excited about everything, or so much a nerd that I need to study to be happy, but in a sense reading and learning again is so wonderful after so many months of well...how shall we say "catering to assholes in the checkout isle" in a more polite way?

I don't know though, I still feel like something is missing. I kind of always do when I'm happy. It's like when I finally achieve what I'm after, I start feeling like it's not as good as it should be. Like it's flawed or it could be better. Why is that? Am I just naturally the most pessimistic person alive (I'm starting to feel like I could be) or is it true?

I just feel like I'm heading down a path that leaves behind so many other things I've wanted to do. I'm learning academics at college, but then I'm giving up becoming a writer. I'm giving up my dream to be a dj. To become a movie producer. A director. A vet. A philosopher. A freaking interior designer (that one's more just cuz I choose a good color for my bedroom and was so pleased with myself). But still. I feel like life is really about having the confidence to walk down a road and not look back before you even get lost.

I think what my life is missing is a mentor. I mean it's pretty obvious if you've read my other blogs that I'm a loner and a loser. It's kind of just a fact. Some people are funny, some people are pretty. I got this weird philosphical emotional crazy personality that makes me like a pariah in this society. I mean I love people and I wish I was one of those social butterflies that just have everyone begging to be attatched to their wings, but I'm not.

But I feel like I should have lived in older times, where people had mentors like Socrates and Aristotle who literally coached and taught and explored the world in more detail with their students. It's sounds so fucking cheesy and lame but fuck it. This is for me right. You guys can continue getting smashed in parking lots and having dance sex at a club, I wanna chill with Socrates! *(how cool am I?)

The thing is where do I find such a mentor? I mean criagslist has no heading called "PHILOSOPHICAL MENTORS".

Should I put out an ad in the newspaper?
WANTED: MIDDLE AGED MENTOR NEEDED FOR UNSTABLE GIRL
BE SMART. BE WISE. BE HOT??

hahah especially the last part...I'm joking byt the way....sorta :P
Oh fuck. I guess I just miss company of someone I can look up to.


I mean the best conversation I've ever had was in the waiting room of a doctors office. This wringgled old chinese man with pepper grey hair was sitting beside me. We started talking about the randomist shit. But amazing stuff came up. The emotional baggage of family. Our beliefs in the afterlife. Things we'd probably done in past lives. He said he was a Chinese emperor. I said I've had dreams that I was a horse
He even did a palm reading for me. He said he was a healer and could read people in this life. He took one look at my hand and spoke.

"You have strong mind. Intelligent beyond age.
But heavy emotions. They rule over you. Make you sick in heart. Strong passion, but lots of fear. Too much worry. Too much fear. You will grow old quickly if you let emotion take over. You will be successful but much work to get there. Lots of past ancestreal karma. Many problem with parents in this life. Curse put on you from past. Maybe you say you'll never be rich, so now you suffer with money. Lots of potential, only if you choose."

I felt like crying right there in that waiting room. With the babies crying and the manicured ladies flipping through magazines, I could have bawled if I hadn't bit my tongue so hard to hold in the tears. I felt like this man and stripped me naked and now Iwas emotionally more bare and vulnerable then I ever would be. It was a horrible experience. I hated him for awhile. But I also felt loved and amazing like for the first time I had the most honest conversation with someone.

I never saw that man again. I can't even remember his name. I wish I had. Because that is what I want. A teacher who can know me with just a look and see all my shit, but also all my pent up potential that I am dying to unleash.

So if you are reading this dear mentor please find me!
Or at least send me an email.