Transformation is never calm

So I'm going to be honest, I haven't been completely honest. This blog was meant to be the place if not the only place for me to lay my shit bare. But I worry how things will sound, if my family will read it and judge me, or even more ridiculous that a stranger will judge me. But that's not how I want to be. I don't want to be afraid of the future anymore. I don't want to be constantly missing the past. I want to give up on this ridiculous notion of finding someone to "complete me". Fuck those movies and those books and the whole mass media telling you that you have to find prince charming, find that right car, that right job, that right boob size to fill that gap in you that you constantly want to avoid by filling it with things.

I want to be happy inside who I am. A total loser nerd who like books and Beatles and smoking mary jane with the stars outside. Who is fragile and tough and unbelievable undecided about life. I feel like the gap only gets smaller when you start filling in your character instead of your desires. Becoming an adult is like reinventing yourself. You can change and add and discover yourself like you're meeting yourself for the first time. It's beautiful. And bloody sad. And sometimes devastating. Transformation is never calm. I need to know what my passion is. I am open to finding out anything. I am open. Please find me. I cannot decide what to pursue anymore. I am so lost ma, help me out. I cannot listen to sad music anymore haha.
I miss faith, can you call her for me. I need to meet up with her again.