I Felt at Home

I don't know what's wrong with me. Whenever I get close to something, to someone, I close down. Like I always revert back to an emergency shut down button to end the program before I have to really try or experience what is coming up. I've been in New York for the past 2 weeks, and its a mixture of intense happiness and intense anger. The New Jersey beaches are beautiful and so clean and fresh I want to stay all day and night. And then New York is so exciting and yet so negative and loud I'm exhausted after only a day there. Plus it doesn't help that the friend I'm staying with is one of my best friends and one of my worst enemies. We nag and get into fights so easily it's like we're a couple who just can't get along and yet won't leave each other. And even though he has told me he likes me, I've never felt that way back. I guess since he just knows how to piss me off quicker than anyone on the planet. But he also comforts me in a way no one else can. We also have intense connections, I mean after fighting and bitching after a few hours we both come back to each other and hug and talk for literally hours and so honestly, that its divine.

I guess I'm just starting to wonder why the greatest gifts or the most beautiful things in my life are also tied in with my biggest challenges and biggest problems. I mean here I am travelling and in the new exciting place, yet even when I'm at the fucking Statue of Liberty all I care about is how my friend is such an ass to say certain comments about me.

Last night was particularly confusing for me. We were driving back from dinner in NYC and he was playing some music. But it was the same exact music we'd be playing the whole time I'd been here for the trip. For some reason that sparked something in me, and I just freaked. I turned it into this whole fight about how he doesn't listen to me or include me and how he's so selfish since he doesn't let me play my music. Fucking such a girl move. Picking an intense fight over something so damn trivial. I mean the real reason he kept playing the same songs was probably since he didn't have anything else to play.

Anyways I felt like an ass as soon as we got home. He wouldn't look at me and I couldn't look at him cause I realized how stupid I had been. So with my tail between my legs I walked back to him as he was brushing his teeth and apologized. And he forgave. We sat down on the couch and talked for a bit. But around 2AM  I said I was ready for bed and headed upstairs, but we reached in for our usual routine hug. Only this time we didn't pull out of it. We sat there, him resting his head on my shoulder and me cradling his neck to me. And I just allowed myself to be vulnerable and to enjoy this affection without worrying that I was "leading him on." But the problem is I think he took this that way anyways. Because as I was falling asleep I felt his light fingers stroke me cheek. Immediately I was alert and scared, and yet I kept pretending to sleep so he wouldn't go any further. He kissed me anyways. A light peck which I pretended not to notice and kept "sleeping" because I couldn't blame my ignorance in the morning on booze. I honestly don't know whether I am happy about last night or sad or creeped out. I mean for that hour we cuddled I felt at home. Safe. Cherished. But not romantic at all. More like I was at home and at peace for the first time in my life. But as soon as he kissed me he ruined that. He tainted something pure by turning it into something physical and dirty. I eventually "woke  up"and walked up stairs to bed. Thinking I could finally go to bed. But all night I've been wondering, am I rejecting happiness? Does this safeness or comfort I feel around him mean I should be in love with him? Am I horrible to love closeness but not be in love with someone?