Try Too

Being around family is one of the worst and best things for yourself. In one sense, for me anyways, it feels like a comfort, a stability I've been missing for too long in this scary all over the place life. Then again seeing my family is like coming face to face with all the toxic and sad familiar habits and perceptions of yourself that they have been projecting onto you growing up.

I don't know about others, but I often feel somewhat like I need to perform, or even act a certain way in front of them. That they have me in this box, or persona, of which I have to play along because they won't allow me to be who are really am, or at least who I want to be.

I am visting my family right now and already...I don't know, I feel comfortable and familiar with them, but I also feel displaced and lost in myself again.

See in my family I'm the baby, and oddly enough that didn't mean I got favoured or the attention. In fact it turned out the opposite, the eldest were the more prized. I don't even say it in a self pitying way. It's just kind of a fact. Even just subtle things are obvious. My father when we are around each other talks little and sits tilted away from me. But when my older sister walks in the room he lights up, even drags his seat closer and will openly try and hug her.

There is so much bitterness in me for this. My whole life I just wanted my parents to see me, to love me, to be proud of me. But it never really happened. And I really think that is the part that has made me so weak. It's kind of funny actually. It became a vicious circle. Because I was so ignored I became so feeble and weak, and because I appeared so weak and dependant, they distanced themselves and were more and more inclined to ignore me.

I do not know sometimes how people build themselves up from rocky childhood's, because in a sense I never really had one, and in another sense I really feel like I never grew up.

I am so scared ma, divine ma, I do not know if I have enough strength in me to keep fighting for inner redemption, inner freedom, inner love.

The part that scares me the most is I've never felt more lonely in my life. Or maybe a better word is more responsible in my life. Responsible in the sense that if I want to continue living I might have to just do something drastic. Like leave completely my whole life, my family, my comfort zone and start over somewhere else. With no help. No back up daddy or no bailout cash from grandparents.

I just want to call out to all those who had to or have to start from nothing, from no wholesome family, from no stable foundation, from no place of recognition, and who manage to pull themselves up and out , I fucking salute you. I'm fucking am so proud of you. And I fucking love you for giving me hope to try too.