This is Just a Play

It's hard to describe how much I feel at the same time. I feel nothing and I feel the impact of the whole world at the same time. I feel intense happiness for God and intense sadness for being on this planet.

I kind of had a big breakthrough the other night. It's no secret that I've thought about death alot. And on bad days even prayed for it. But even though I thought it's what I wanted, in the back of mind my mind I was still afraid and still thought of it as a horrible thing. And then the other night, after once again losing myself to worry and fear and anxiety about the unknown future, I thought, why am I doing this? Why do I have this imposed self pressure to be someone? To be accomplished? To be the big important  impressive person? Don't we all have to give it up at death? What is money and accomplishments when you die along with every other person eventually. I know it sounds morbid but knowing we all die and move on to something better than this world, made me realize how pointless it is to worry. So damn pointless. Accepting death actually became a comfort.

 I finally understood what all those poets and artists spoke about how this whole life "is just a play" or "stage" in which we just are actors trying lines out. Because at the end what does it matter whether you were the hero or just the extra, the play still ends. So why not just enjoy it? Why not just be unafraid of being exactly who you are and who you want to "play" in this round? I may not be the hero or protagonist of which I always coveted, but in truth did I want that? Was I always seeking this glory because I wanted it or because so many of the people I knew expected it of me to go after those big roles?

All I want I realize and all I should ever want is to live up to who I am and what I want to be in this, this my life. No one else's. I am 21 now. Legally and emotionally I am really responsible for myself. God I hope I can live up to it. Tina you NEED to live up to it. Quitting is not you. Quitting will not liberate you. You must liberate yourself.