Holding out for Happiness

"If you think of life as precious, and as death simply as an inevitable ending, it becomes a drive. A way to keep you focused. Put it this way, if you take a day, or even today, and you think 'if this was my last day on earth, would I be satisfied, would I be happy with my life?' In that sense you see what you are missing, or what you need and would want to do to feel satisfaction. And the key is, if you have too many days where the answer is "no" to that question, then that is a big signal for change."

I keep bumping into people, the guy at my career search seminar, an old man at the beach who just asked what yoga technique I was doing at the beach, a girlfriend I met in line, all these people who keep reminding me to have hope. To continue to search and strive, and live! Goddamnit I keep thinking I was alone or forsaken, but the more I clear my head I realize how much the universe is trying to speak to me. Stay open she says, stay faithful. I am trying. Some days not so much. Other days better. But I swear I want to come out on the other side, divine ma. I whine and I complain (because in truth sometimes it just hurts so much I don't think I can bear it). But I do. I have wanted to give up on myself so many times. But there is just this damn wiggle, this damn little spark that refuses to leave my body, my heart. It is the reason I keep living. Because I hope one day I will have the strength and fuel to ignite that spark into a raging unstoppable fire. I know I have it in me because it is the reason I continue to dream. To read. To listen to sad music and wonder if I can contain the beauty of released sadness. It is all contained within me, within this little giant.

I pray divine mother hears me, and will continue to send me these people, those words, those signs, those gifts of holding out for happiness.

Good night world. I love you.