"Kiss him, kiss him, KISS HIM!!!"my mind chanted over and over as he walked me home.
Ever since I've been back from the ashram in California I don't feel like myself. And not it a liberating way. I feel lost and whats worse, I feel lost after I felt found. I think because I am no longer protected in a safe environment and around people who I love, and fortunately loved me back. At Ananda I was like a baby wrapped in blanket; I had play time, and a little active work time, nap time, yoga time, meditation time, and delicious home cooked meals served to me literally on a platter. I had breaks away from myself. Or at least from the nagging self "ego" which just cannot stand me and makes a point of telling me so. I had a worry fast in other words. And I was is love. God was I ever in love. And more than just with my partner, I was in love with my friends who were my ACTUAL friends. I was in love with nature and the gifts of her simple beauty, with the quietness in my mind I could finally experience like soak in a hot bath, with laughter which I rediscovered, and I was in love with life.
Now back home I feel like I was brutally stripped and woken out of bed, out of the comfort of my safety blanket. Back to coldness of reality. Back to money, and duties, and acquaintances who pretend to be friends for a beer night, and back to never having enough time to play after work. I'm still figuring it all out. But the truth is, I think I just miss believing in something greater than sadness, or pain. In that ashram hidden away in nature, for a time I think I really touched God, or at least my version of her. I felt hopeful, or like I wasn't alone for once in my lonely ridden life.
Being back I can't help but worry with my change in environment, I changed my attitude. I've sadly went back to thinking I could adapt back to my old self, the one who is happy with the mediocre barren lifestyle of a spiritless society. I cannot conform, I tried but it's killing me. It's the not being me which is killing me. Turning back on my spiritual path is being untruthful to myself. It is a tortuous game which I can't play anymore.
Tonight I decided enough is enough. I called up an old friend who I really connected with in a way beyond "Facebook approved". We had a good time, going to the pool and acting like kids swimming and splashing and swinging off rope swings. After we went for some hot Pho and just talked. Like long past our meals being taken away, and past the check being paid for. Just because this is what connection is: the need and enjoyment of a persons company, WITHOUT needing anything else. In the technology age conversation has been replaced with banter over some form of texting. But there we were, the loud couple talking and laughing and goofing off, the couple who doesn't give a rats ass if they are retardedly making inappropriate jokes, and trying to aim candy in each others mouths over the table, or passionately debating over which indie bands are better than the others.
I didn't feel alone. And it was divine. But like all cute boys I connect with, I can't help it...I like them. Like in the way where I was subtly was checking out his tight toned body beneath his white t-shirt. The way I was finding excuses to touch and playfully push him after jokes. The way I was feeling like I really wanted him to kiss me. But truthfully after my break up from J, from the person I thought I was going to marry, I feel like all I really want is just someone to hopefully rub out my memories of him with someone else's lips. Not only that but almost prove that I can be that stupid superficial version of me, that I don't have to go down the spiritual path which lets face it, is much more harder and takes making alot more tough conscious decisions.
So as he slowly walked me back my mind was like a loop tape, chanting, "Kiss him, kiss him, KISS HIM!" But just as I reached the house and saw his bus coming around the corner, I just couldn't. Even though it would have been satisfying now, later on it would just be another reckless thing I did for temporary gratification. God though, hugging him goodbye I can't help but feel empty. Once I heard that the spiritual path is like a contract, once you are on it, there is no going back. But man, the spiritual path is a lonely one. Please divine ma, come back and fill this empty cup of loneliness. Fill me up. Fill me up.
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