Happiness Quenched

I don't know how to explain this, but loving someone means you have to be able to truly let them love you back. Sounds so ridiculous but I find that people don't even allow themselves to love themselves. They are terrified of of not being enough, or they can't even believe that they deserve or are worth being loved. I know this because I am one of them.

I've been in the early stages of a new love. The beginning, when it's exciting and fun and delicious to love. There has been no bad days and no arguments whatsoever. I won't go into too much detail but last night I got my taste of what real relationships are about.

We had a deep conversation, questioning our beliefs, our future plans, why we even love each other in the first place. It got heated but never angry. It got intense but never violent. It was about exploring and really learning about each other.  But it was like an emotional canon ball kept slamming into us until 2am. We both admitted we loved openly, but we weren't sure or somehow had a hard time accepting the love from the other person. So if we're both giving love out why couldn't we feel it or where was it going if we were not open to it?

Thank God I realized.

I went to class the next morning. There is a very uplifting retreat going on right now at the ashram. It's called Inner renewal week. Every morning the leaders give intense funny and spiritually uplifting talks about life, our quest, the important connections between religious scriptures, and of course God.
I made it a point to really listen this morning. Devi, this beautiful powerhouse 5 foot woman was speaking. She reminded us all that we will never be fulfilled with world. We will always be thirsty wanderers looking for the happiness in delusion unless we reach for the divine wine. And it hit me. I must love God first.

I've always been proud of my non attachment. I've never really lusted after much. Not the big car or big home or all those big toys. I've been almost smug in that, thinking well gee I'm pretty far up on the spiritual path above those other goonies. But the truth is I realized in the worst sort of way I'm very attached to people. When my dad left as a child it devastated me. I spend most of my teenage years angry and sad and blaming life for being so hard on me. Then when I found my best friends in high school I was so stoked and had a ball with them. I convinced myself I had made my "new family". But after graduation the connections drifted off. We ceased to hang out or phone and our friendships were reduced to sporadic facebook messages. That hurt big time. I stopped trusting people completely. My heart felt rusted shut. I had lost all over again, yet still I wasn't recognizing my pattern.

Then I came here to Ananda. I met soul friends. People I could laugh and play and discuss and delve into ourselves together. Spiritual warriors who fought with you. My heart felt alive. Felt completely ripped open again. But it wasn't until the day after one of my true sister yogis, Gayatri,  left that it hit me again. I felt lost and loss all over again. I was sitting crying in my bed and listening to some songs we had listened to nights before and my friend Meg came in. She sad and cuddled me while I crooned and lamented about how much I missed Gayatri.
I remember saying to her, "It's just so hard sometimes."
"What is? Life?"
"Yeah and change. And the unknown."
"Hmmmm. But isn't it beautiful. I mean we all came here at this time. For whatever reason. We were all meant to meet. And now the next thing comes. And we'll meet again. Down the road or if we plan it together. I mean the world is conspiring for our benevolent good. God never gives you something you can't handle."

Then it hit me. I was getting attached to people like others were attached to their things. In the worst sort of way I was trying to find love in other people instead of God. I mean even with my partner I had lost my way. That one night of emotional topsy turvy devastated me because I had put so much energy into him instead of focusing my love to divine mother. It's a truth. People will always, without fail or without a doubt, disappoint you in some way. They may be great but everyone is flawed and cannot never flinch. The only constant love, the only eternal love, the only unconditional love you will EVER feel is from God. I will always love people but I know now it has to be a open love. I cannot hope to hold them or change them or try and hoard them, I just have to love. And not think I can find happiness only in their returning love. I must love Ma first and with directed devotion so that she can fill my heart, that I may love without hurting, and love without loss. For only then do I ever feel filled, or that my thirst for happiness is quenched.