Loved Truly Back

When things fall apart, usually if you keep your spirits up, you realize it had to fall apart for something better to make way.

Seeing as I won't be in Cali forever and that my time is getting cut down, my sister and her hubby invited me and J for a snowboarding trip up in the great Sierra mountains. I was so looking forward to the weekend, for the snow for the time with my fam, but mostly for my chance to be with J. See in a spiritual volunteer ashram, or at least at this one, you're pretty much forbidden to have a relationship with one of the fellow devotees. It makes sense in some ways but in this case me and J have pretty much said fuck it to that rule apparently haha. It's just because we both intuitively knew this wasn't just some random hook up fling thing. We actually found love. Or at least I felt very much I had.

So anyways I was stoked to be away  from the retreat in an open space, in front of my family, and being able to lavish my love and affection for this amazing boy as much as I wanted without any reservations. It was my chance to really solidify our relationship as real. But like my fucking luck, 2 days before the trip I came down with a heavy flu and had to rest in bed. It's safe to say I was pretty much was pissed off at first. But for some reason, maybe my spirit is learning to listen more, I decided to let it go. I told myself I guess it wasn't supposed to happen, or that maybe God wanted something else for me. So I did what I could and just tried to get well. Sunday came and as it turned out one of the program leaders was also going on the boarding trip with my family. So we wouldn't have been able to enjoy the day openly anyways. Hmmm interesting.....

That's not all though. I was well enough that day that I suggested to J that we drive down to the Yuba river. We packed some snacks, loaded some good tunes, and got in his car. The Cali sun was blazing and the air warm. The spot we went to was a long drive where we kept stealing smiling glances at each other every chance we got. Farther and farther down this winding dirt road we circled deeper into these glorious mountain canyons down to the river. We spent the day eating melted chocolate chip cookies, scavenging over boulders to even more pretty lagoons, and kissing in between stops. Of course I even had to have a mini photo shoot of him with my fatty DSLR, I mean come on with his sexy scruff against the sand and water I had to. Laughing he complied with all my "director" suggestions. Tilt your head, move that bag, put your arm behind your head, yes seriously put that arm behind your head. 

It was a few moments after when I was smiling at him and he was coming over to me from his model spot that he chuckled, "I'm pretty sure I love you Tina."

OMFG.

I giggled back in sheer joy but managed to get out, "I'm pretty sure I love you too."
And then because I couldn't contain it I sighed deeply and looked up, "Thank god!"
 He asked why I was worried. I explained I had wanted to say I loved him for awhile but was afraid to say it first, maybe out of fear of scaring him or of worse, that he might not feel the same. So he pulled me to him and kissed me softly.
"I love you," he said so I couldn't look away from his eyes.
"Say it again!" I laughed
he laughed but again told me. Again I told him.

Look at this. That snowboarding trip which would have been fun, but not really, fell through. I was bummed but I left it up to the universe. And then this day. This beautiful day. This life changing day happened instead. I am in love and have loved. And even better I've been loved truly back. Thank you God for planning this for me.