Happiness Project

Sick sick sick of complaining. I am sorry. Sorry if you've been reading my latest posts. But mostly I'm sorry to myself. For allowing myself to give into sadness and hopelessness. It always the convenient emotion but I am physically going to force myself to start seeing the world through those rose coloured glasses, and start gathering those flowers like I mean it.

These past few days I went through a whirlwind of outward circumstances coming straight at me again. I had 3 boys in my life. One who wanted me for my body, one who wanted my mind, and one who is always after my soul. Yet I had never felt more empty and alone. Like this grabbing and appreciation was just for them, and really had nothing to do with me, just their need for taking was the importance. I find that alot with men...that they are naturally takers and women are naturally givers. Not in a judgemental way or to say they all are, just has been my experience and observation anyways.

After breaking up with the first, fighting with the second, and ignoring the third I went through a few days of withdrawal. The basic, alot of movies, crying, brownies and feelings of severe desolation. You know all the regular breakup withdrawal symptoms, not just from attention (which I have to admit was nice since i'm definitely not the alluring marilyn monroe type :P) but more from the feeling that yet again I had given my power away to others. And not only that but those who were underserving of it. I let myself get tied up in their expectations, and all the while completely lost my centre and my own core.

So I've decided to create a new goal: damn straight hardcore all the way happiness project! Yes and not it a selfish way, but self loving way. I've don't suffer from arrogance I suffer from self- flagellation of a terrible mental variety. So the only way I can think of truly getting me back, it starting to love and do the things I love. I will practice positive mantras every day. I will treat myself to sauna time. I will practice a dance routine and finish it. I will start writing everyday and not just "pretend" to. I will start making time to create healthy meals that I can eat and satisfy my bored tastebuds. I will make desserts that I can still feel good after. I will start taking pictures with my camera like I'm excited again, even by rocks and leaves. I will reconnect and start up good friendships which I've let gather dust. I will read instead of watch. I will listen instead of hide. I will gather my temper or let it out in a constructive way. I will try to be more open with my family. I will try to trust men and not feel like I want to punch them all :P Mostly I will love who I am and not feel embarrassed, shameful, or disappointed in who and where I am at this point in my life. I will. I will. I will. Will to will. Okay now I'm just annoying hahah. Nope wait i mean now I'm just persistent :)