I Felt at Home

I don't know what's wrong with me. Whenever I get close to something, to someone, I close down. Like I always revert back to an emergency shut down button to end the program before I have to really try or experience what is coming up. I've been in New York for the past 2 weeks, and its a mixture of intense happiness and intense anger. The New Jersey beaches are beautiful and so clean and fresh I want to stay all day and night. And then New York is so exciting and yet so negative and loud I'm exhausted after only a day there. Plus it doesn't help that the friend I'm staying with is one of my best friends and one of my worst enemies. We nag and get into fights so easily it's like we're a couple who just can't get along and yet won't leave each other. And even though he has told me he likes me, I've never felt that way back. I guess since he just knows how to piss me off quicker than anyone on the planet. But he also comforts me in a way no one else can. We also have intense connections, I mean after fighting and bitching after a few hours we both come back to each other and hug and talk for literally hours and so honestly, that its divine.

I guess I'm just starting to wonder why the greatest gifts or the most beautiful things in my life are also tied in with my biggest challenges and biggest problems. I mean here I am travelling and in the new exciting place, yet even when I'm at the fucking Statue of Liberty all I care about is how my friend is such an ass to say certain comments about me.

Last night was particularly confusing for me. We were driving back from dinner in NYC and he was playing some music. But it was the same exact music we'd be playing the whole time I'd been here for the trip. For some reason that sparked something in me, and I just freaked. I turned it into this whole fight about how he doesn't listen to me or include me and how he's so selfish since he doesn't let me play my music. Fucking such a girl move. Picking an intense fight over something so damn trivial. I mean the real reason he kept playing the same songs was probably since he didn't have anything else to play.

Anyways I felt like an ass as soon as we got home. He wouldn't look at me and I couldn't look at him cause I realized how stupid I had been. So with my tail between my legs I walked back to him as he was brushing his teeth and apologized. And he forgave. We sat down on the couch and talked for a bit. But around 2AM  I said I was ready for bed and headed upstairs, but we reached in for our usual routine hug. Only this time we didn't pull out of it. We sat there, him resting his head on my shoulder and me cradling his neck to me. And I just allowed myself to be vulnerable and to enjoy this affection without worrying that I was "leading him on." But the problem is I think he took this that way anyways. Because as I was falling asleep I felt his light fingers stroke me cheek. Immediately I was alert and scared, and yet I kept pretending to sleep so he wouldn't go any further. He kissed me anyways. A light peck which I pretended not to notice and kept "sleeping" because I couldn't blame my ignorance in the morning on booze. I honestly don't know whether I am happy about last night or sad or creeped out. I mean for that hour we cuddled I felt at home. Safe. Cherished. But not romantic at all. More like I was at home and at peace for the first time in my life. But as soon as he kissed me he ruined that. He tainted something pure by turning it into something physical and dirty. I eventually "woke  up"and walked up stairs to bed. Thinking I could finally go to bed. But all night I've been wondering, am I rejecting happiness? Does this safeness or comfort I feel around him mean I should be in love with him? Am I horrible to love closeness but not be in love with someone?

Transformation is never calm

So I'm going to be honest, I haven't been completely honest. This blog was meant to be the place if not the only place for me to lay my shit bare. But I worry how things will sound, if my family will read it and judge me, or even more ridiculous that a stranger will judge me. But that's not how I want to be. I don't want to be afraid of the future anymore. I don't want to be constantly missing the past. I want to give up on this ridiculous notion of finding someone to "complete me". Fuck those movies and those books and the whole mass media telling you that you have to find prince charming, find that right car, that right job, that right boob size to fill that gap in you that you constantly want to avoid by filling it with things.

I want to be happy inside who I am. A total loser nerd who like books and Beatles and smoking mary jane with the stars outside. Who is fragile and tough and unbelievable undecided about life. I feel like the gap only gets smaller when you start filling in your character instead of your desires. Becoming an adult is like reinventing yourself. You can change and add and discover yourself like you're meeting yourself for the first time. It's beautiful. And bloody sad. And sometimes devastating. Transformation is never calm. I need to know what my passion is. I am open to finding out anything. I am open. Please find me. I cannot decide what to pursue anymore. I am so lost ma, help me out. I cannot listen to sad music anymore haha.
I miss faith, can you call her for me. I need to meet up with her again.

Music or writing. Music or writing. Music or writing? Music or Writing? Music or Writing, Music or Writing, Music or Writing! Music or Writing! Music, or Writing?!

I feel like I miss someone who I don't know

 I can't explain it, but lately I feel a mixture of intense contentment and intense loneliness. I walk outside and feel the sun on my skin, the way it gently kisses my cheeks and I smile. I feel free. But then I feel this intense sadness. Like there's something vital missing. From the situation. From the heart. It feels like I miss someone who I don't know. What am I missing? Is it because of my old friends? My old life? My future life which I haven't grown into? My family? The love I have never experienced with a partner? The freedom of travelling? I wish more than anything I felt free but this society constantly moves so fast it does not give us time to breathe. To think. To feel. What should I do.. how can I take a step forward when I feel like I'm tied down to the past.

Be Badass. Be Bold

I'm alittle scared. I feel like every time I know what I want to do, I get pushed to another idea and I feel like I need to figure out what to do all over again. I had my last exam today. After 2 weeks, 3 hours sleep total, 4 exams, and  a toal of 8+ hours of exam time, I feel really exhausted. I came home and felt very weak, emotionally, physically, everything. Everyone in my family has told me I'm smart. And I get it, I'm a brain I've fucking always been, and they all want me to go to school, to study, to get the official degree, the official job, the actual 9-5 job, the only one in a family of artists. But coming home from those brutal classes which will determine my future, I just felt like crying. Whats the use of a brain if all I do is exhaust it, let it run my life. What's the use of learning if my brain is filled with usless facts I don't need. I feel really scared. I love my philosophy class cause it actually teaches us to think for ourselves, the only class on the planet which does actually. Why do I have to take algebra, Bio Chemistry, if I want to be a writer? This whole schooling system is so fucked up. They teach us to learn things we'll never use, and the courses which we do want to take, the ones thats inspire and open our world up, are worthless to graduating. I keep feeling like I should just go to that music school, fuck the regular degree stuff, do something that takes you out of your brain. Something that takes you into your damn fire. Stop being a chickshit, be badass. Be bold. Firgure it out. And hurry up cause your next class is in 5 mins....

Something I can Recognize

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” - Bob Marley


I kinda feel sick. Everytime I find something good, it dissolves as soon as I grab it, like a sandcastle that with one touch, crumbles. I met guys who I think are nice, they turn out to be douche bags. I think I've found a genuine friend, yet she ditches me whenever I need her. I get what Bob Marley is saying, but sometimes it feels like I should just become a hermit, cause I don't think I can do anymore of this suffering stuff. It seems like I am constantly fighting against luck, against murphy's law. That ol murphy loves to hang around me and I'm starting to think he's the only one I can count on. I miss feeling like I have a confidant. Or someone I can rely on instead of always having to be the reliable. But am I the problem? Am I attracting all this shit, all these flakes? Or even is it my fault? Most of the time I convince myself that all the hurt they dish out, is actually my fault. How fucked up is that? 


What should I do? I know I complain but it's only because I feel so fucking lonely. So goddamn lonely. I have friends and family, yet I don't feel like I could or would call any of them even if I was lying in the streets.  I am in a crowd of familiar faces, yet I am homesick for something I can recognize. 

Seeing

Friday night was like any other night, except for the fact I realized who I was for the first time in my life, and my connection to humanity. Yeah, just that small detail. 

I had hung out with one of my favourite buddies that night. We hadn't seen each other in awhile and we'd been fighting in the past so when we first saw each other I'll admit it was awkward. But after a few minutes of cold ice cream on a windy night, and walking along the seawall with city lights painted on the water, we gave into our old ways and talked freely with each other. After walking till our feet were numb we finally headed back to his place and smoked a puff. I decided fuck it, it's the weekend and for once I don't have exams this week so why not. And if you don't know me smoking weed is a big big deal for me, mostly because I hate how it makes me emotional and usually that leads to my dark depressed side and usually end up thinking about how the world is going to shit (yes I'm a tad dramatic if you haven't noticed). But maybe this weed was really good or maybe I was finally just having a good night, because I felt high on life.

Heading home to the transit stop I felt aware of everything. How the cold rain made my nose red,  how the couples linked arms and huddled under their umbrellas. How the pizza shops were bustling, and cashier at the gas station looked longingly out at the party-ers on the strip.


It was like I was seeing for the first time after a lifetime of walking with my eyes closed. Getting on the last sky train of the night I realized how the day train people differ from the night time train people. I don't know what it is... it's like they're more relaxed and shed their "Business Mondays" facade.


Sitting down on those sticky vinyl seats I decided not to plug in my iPod or randomly scroll my phone, but just people watch instead. And there was so much of it. 

Kids coming back from friday night partying, the girls giggly and the boys loud.

An old man in tweet pants, old man slippers, and a trench coat and bald spot, fast asleep, his head resting on his chest.

A couple together, the girl sitting beside him with her legs up on the adjacent chair and her armed linked in his. The way he  easily slipped her hand in his.

And then another stop. He came in. Slouchy rocker clothes, big rimmed glasses, and a cocky smile. Everything about him was a contradiction which I liked to look at. This guy and me noticed each other, but like any other crush, you notice everything under your avoiding eye contact. This guy and me were looking everywhere but each other and then when our eyes clashed we both flash smiled and looked away

But it's not the crush or even the funny little things I saw. It was fucking bigger than any of that superficial stuff.  

I felt like i was witnessing life, or present stories, or memories in the making. All of it. Happening right in front of me.

Just the thought that all these people have families to go home to, or a loved one to call tonight, or a urge to make it home to their comfy bed, made me realize we are thinking feeling beings, all connected all the same.

I felt a link and love at the same time for humanity.

That's when my intensity (partly let's face it mixed with my weed buzz) gave me this weird sensation and image in my mind projecting onto the screen of reality. Everything, all the people on the train were all there just as they were, but I also saw and felt my heart pumping outside of my body. My heart was pumping these veins or arteries connected to the people, like they were parts of me and we were sharing the same blood flow that i was supplying. I felt like God.


I know this all sounds like hippie dippy bull krap, and you're thinking next thing I'll be tripping on acid and renaming myself some tweaked out name like "Purple Star Child". But the thing is if you know me, you'd know that admitting this experience means it really was more than some fleeting drug affect. It was like for the first time, I felt like reason and love were connected to make sense of all this craziness going on in the world. I felt like for once in my very pessimistic realistic I don't give a rats squiggly ass life, that I cared. And that I wanted to be more present to what is going on around me and the people who are right beside me. 

I guess Lennon was right, life really is what happens while your busy making other plans, or mainly, scanning your cell phone.