Seeing

Friday night was like any other night, except for the fact I realized who I was for the first time in my life, and my connection to humanity. Yeah, just that small detail. 

I had hung out with one of my favourite buddies that night. We hadn't seen each other in awhile and we'd been fighting in the past so when we first saw each other I'll admit it was awkward. But after a few minutes of cold ice cream on a windy night, and walking along the seawall with city lights painted on the water, we gave into our old ways and talked freely with each other. After walking till our feet were numb we finally headed back to his place and smoked a puff. I decided fuck it, it's the weekend and for once I don't have exams this week so why not. And if you don't know me smoking weed is a big big deal for me, mostly because I hate how it makes me emotional and usually that leads to my dark depressed side and usually end up thinking about how the world is going to shit (yes I'm a tad dramatic if you haven't noticed). But maybe this weed was really good or maybe I was finally just having a good night, because I felt high on life.

Heading home to the transit stop I felt aware of everything. How the cold rain made my nose red,  how the couples linked arms and huddled under their umbrellas. How the pizza shops were bustling, and cashier at the gas station looked longingly out at the party-ers on the strip.


It was like I was seeing for the first time after a lifetime of walking with my eyes closed. Getting on the last sky train of the night I realized how the day train people differ from the night time train people. I don't know what it is... it's like they're more relaxed and shed their "Business Mondays" facade.


Sitting down on those sticky vinyl seats I decided not to plug in my iPod or randomly scroll my phone, but just people watch instead. And there was so much of it. 

Kids coming back from friday night partying, the girls giggly and the boys loud.

An old man in tweet pants, old man slippers, and a trench coat and bald spot, fast asleep, his head resting on his chest.

A couple together, the girl sitting beside him with her legs up on the adjacent chair and her armed linked in his. The way he  easily slipped her hand in his.

And then another stop. He came in. Slouchy rocker clothes, big rimmed glasses, and a cocky smile. Everything about him was a contradiction which I liked to look at. This guy and me noticed each other, but like any other crush, you notice everything under your avoiding eye contact. This guy and me were looking everywhere but each other and then when our eyes clashed we both flash smiled and looked away

But it's not the crush or even the funny little things I saw. It was fucking bigger than any of that superficial stuff.  

I felt like i was witnessing life, or present stories, or memories in the making. All of it. Happening right in front of me.

Just the thought that all these people have families to go home to, or a loved one to call tonight, or a urge to make it home to their comfy bed, made me realize we are thinking feeling beings, all connected all the same.

I felt a link and love at the same time for humanity.

That's when my intensity (partly let's face it mixed with my weed buzz) gave me this weird sensation and image in my mind projecting onto the screen of reality. Everything, all the people on the train were all there just as they were, but I also saw and felt my heart pumping outside of my body. My heart was pumping these veins or arteries connected to the people, like they were parts of me and we were sharing the same blood flow that i was supplying. I felt like God.


I know this all sounds like hippie dippy bull krap, and you're thinking next thing I'll be tripping on acid and renaming myself some tweaked out name like "Purple Star Child". But the thing is if you know me, you'd know that admitting this experience means it really was more than some fleeting drug affect. It was like for the first time, I felt like reason and love were connected to make sense of all this craziness going on in the world. I felt like for once in my very pessimistic realistic I don't give a rats squiggly ass life, that I cared. And that I wanted to be more present to what is going on around me and the people who are right beside me. 

I guess Lennon was right, life really is what happens while your busy making other plans, or mainly, scanning your cell phone.