Lied to a Friend

What is wrong with me. I find a friend, and I hide.
Let me explain. Through email and skype I have kept in contact with one of my best friends from New York. Since he lives in the far east it kinda made it hard to see him. In truth we never actually met. Until now. We met through a friend and clicked instantaniously. And from that moment on I told him  everything about me. Yes everything. My bad habits. My secret bad thoughts. My hatred towards my father. My fragile wishes. And even about being a loner. And he listened. Then he told me everything about his life. In short, a friend. A fucking real friend.

And he's here. He decided fuck it, let's meet. And nervously I said yes.
What if he doesn't like me in person? What if I don't like him?
But he arrived. It was awkward at first. But I gave in, and we hugged. Everything always makes a little more sense once you've hugged. So we went out to lunch, and my knees swished back and for the whole meal. I wanted to listen to what he was saying but I was too worried about whether this sloppy ass burger was dripping down my face. Let me clarify, I don't like him. He's like a girlfriend. In fact more girly than I am (which is pretty easy since I say screw off to basically anything pink and feminine).

But then why couldn't I relax? Why couldn't I stop getting word constipation and laughing when I didn't think it was funny? Why wasn't I actually listening and talking effortlessly like we have on skype every night for the past year? Eventually this charade I was putting on was making me exahusted. So I lied. I told him I had to work. When I didn't. So he left.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I find a person who could have the potential to be my best friend, but I still end up making myself alone. I can't relate to people anymore. I hide behind screens, work, family, and I don't allow myself to trust in anyone.

You know you're really lonely when you realize you don't have anyone you can trust. Whether it was by my own design or not, my whole life I haven't connected to another person. I've seen glimpses or had nights that had hope, but the next morning they're gone. Like it never happened at all.

I wish understood myself. I wish I had confidence to be happy. And I just bloody wish I hadn't lied to a friend.