It's all Different



I came across a picture today. And like every other day I had a mini breakdown (yes I know). Another one.

Grad 2010.
from left to right:
Sammi, Michelle, Sarah, me, and Ali



I can't help it. Looking at these people, these girls, who were once very important to me makes me sad. Because in honesty this was probably the last time we saw eachother, and were happy. That happy. That wild and reckless and ready to take on the world. Sticking our tongues out at life and basically saying screw the shit, we're gonna be on top of it all. Together.

But only after a year it's all different.

Sammi went away to business school and with that brought her life with her. She traded in hangouts for glamourous parties. She traded in brunch catch up dates for maybe a quick phone call between mall time. And she traded me in for a better version of what she wanted.

Michelle, moved to Kelowna. And it wasn't so much the physical distance that drove a wedge between us, but an emotional one. She won't speak to me anymore. We had a fight about something I can't even remember, some stupid trivial shit that matters in the moment but means shit dick later. But I loved her. So I phoned her. Every day and every night. For a month. Apologizing and begging for things to be okay again. And she ignored every single one. Finally one night I cornered her. I got her aunt to put her on the phone. I said I miss you. I said I love you. I said I want to fix things. She was quiet and at the end asked "Anything else?" like I was just finished telling her a grocery list. Knowing I was losing her I said "I don't know how to fix this..."

"Well I'm tired and I had a late night the other day. So good night."

Click.

When I told Michelle I loved her, she didn't care. To say that night was one of the worst nights of my life would be an understatement.

Sarah found God. Before in high school we joked and laughed at those overly religious people. The ones who could only talk about Jesus and who constantly threatened us "You're going to hell unless you devote yourself to Jesus. Find God now, turn or burn! Turn or burn!"

We'd just smile and cockily call back, "We've already got a pent house suite reserved in hell. We're all set thanks!"

But then her brother died. One of those freak car accidents that you don't believe actually stole someone from you. I was in shock. Sarah was devistated. She couldn't cope. And like an ever ready Christian ready to pounce on the smallest sign of weakness, her born again Jesus sister-in-law converted her. Sarah. Wild, unstoppable, independant, free thinker Sarah became a Christian. She no longer talked to me. But preached. Her mind was like a baby. No thoughts at all. Just spewing lessons and teachings in Christianity.

    I couldn't talk to her anymore. All she did was judge and critize me and the way I lived. It was all guilt. If that's religion, if thats salvation, then they can fucking keep it. I'm not guilty of who I am, and I don't think God is either. Like Michelle I lost her, and there wasn't anything I could do.

I took a year off after graduation. I thought it was going to be for travel, and living, and figuring out who the hell I am and what I want to do with my life. But my dad set it. With his critical abuse and constant interrogations I had no choice but to learn about money. I had to get two jobs. Bussing tables and folding shirts. Sometimes I worked 7 days a week. And always I would cry myself into sleep. And here I am now. Still months later. Alone except the company of hate and desolation.

Ali. She still lives nearby. Roughly in the same position as me, (working and still at home). We're still friends and I still see her from time to time. But I would be lying to say we're close, or at least as close as we used to be. When we're together it's not fun anymore. We squabble, or sit in silence, or I try and get her to perk up. Because there is nothing joyful about becoming an adult. But how can one drowning man save another drowning man?

I am spent. I have no more energy to give to others. I was the clown, the jokester, the wild child. I gave everyone my love, my energy, my attention, and they stole it all. And walked away. Being around Ali and her monotone blandness, just brings that fact up fresh again. I'm tired. So bloody tired of having to lick the wounds given from beatings.

I look at this picture of graduation and all I feel in lonliness. Emptiness. And longing. I wonder if they remeber of me at all? Miss me at all? Even just a passing thought of wondering where I am. I want to matter. To someone. I want to be able to stick tongue back out at life, and not be terrified someone will chop it off.

But most of all I wonder

Will I get out of here in time to save what's left of me?