We Butter Our Bread with Butter

We butter our bread with butter- an actual band name. A hardcore metal band name. This sparks a halarious full on discussion on the importance of butter vs jam and whether you can really not like that name or the fact that we all do really butter our bread with butter. I mean you can't say no to that.

"I can't believe we're still having a intellectual debate on this"

"Intellectual...hmmmm"

"haha, Okay true. "

"debate, yeah maybe.."

These boys are so funny.
Suave and Silly Liam Sweeny
Jiving Gyles Davis
Rocking Rowdy Ryan.

I'm reminded today what its likes to have fun. To act my age. To drink a beer with friends and feel attractive.  Even if it's just for me.

Had a good time tonight. Thanks Ma

Throwing me patches of sunlight, making sure I still walk through the woods. I get cha.

I get cha.

Part of Pain in the Pretty

You can’t take the sky away from me.

I thought it was dorky at first,

Some random non sensical quote to sell a tshirt.

And then I got it,

And I awhnned inside.

I’ve have a tough year, probably one of the hardest of my life.

My best friend and guy I was sort of “dating” cheated on me behind my back.

I told my father I knew he molested me.

My family called me a liar.

I stopped believing in myself.

I’ve fantasized about suicide. Like planning my will.

As if having things that I leave behind covers everyone is the most troubling issue.

I stopped talking to a guy who was my go to emotional crutch, but who really made me weaker.

I lost all my money trying to cover school and living in the city.

I lost my ability to want to pursue a career that I’d enjoy (even if it pays nothing).

I lost a stepmom as a friend.

So much.

I am honestly surprised I’m still alive.

But I hear a song,

Or I see love happening in front of my eyes over the room

Or I read a phrase that reminds me to dream big

“You can’t take the sky from me,”

and I can’t help it

I awhnn inside.

There is a reason they called beauty “exquisite,"

there is a part of pain in the pretty.

I am isolated.
I am so far from shore, I don't even see the light house anymore
I know I swam from most life
but because I could't stand the strife
of trusting someone who would only leave.

God knows I made bad decisions
leaving sun patches for fear of a storm
I did not even trust refuge.
It seemed a passing stop to death
in a lifetime of worry thats all you need
to heed
"Go it alone."

alone is part of loneliness
but then why is independance the only thing i have left?
that doesn't buy me boat or a friend or confidence

Worried worried
drowning in my own tears
which make me cry
which makes my ocean
just a little higher ahead.

heart cold
lost feeling in my feelings
scared that i don't exist without them
scareder that they are all who I am.

Ma, I've been alone for so long.
I miss you in the sadnesses
but I miss you more in the joys.
happinesses are only happy if they are shared.

I feel like you're a missing friend
who we don't speak anymore
but everytime something good happens
i wish I could tell you more

Where are you?
You are not in my bank, my health
my heart is bankrupt for things which I cannot store
so sore so sore
mental hurts keep score
scared
scared
where will i be if you don't love me anymore?

I've never been good at saying I'm wrong
because I've never been right
trying to feel like God is in the light
when all I want to do is put the shutters on at morning

will you still be around when I give up on myself.
will you be there if give into the night
the cool press of ocean tears
and the pull of sleep from the devil
who talks gently
like I can trust
peace in blackness
peace in something which is effortless.
peace in the kindness of relief.

i want to believe in something again.
even if it's a patch of sunlight
in a storm.

I don't want to be an interpretation
I just want to be understood.

Cynical vs. Perceptive

I love my little friend Veronica. She sweet and smart and very wise all packed in a small little size. She's like me when I was younger. Basically the same thing even. But I wonder if she pities me. I'm always giving her advice and making her meals and part of me loves being able to pass wisdom on from life since she's still young and well...i guess I'm still young in the grand scheme of things, but from 19 to 23 thats actually a big age gap. She still pining over her high school boyfriend who treated her like krap and she's still living at home. I want to protect her from mistakes and bad decisions, I give her advice on things because I want her to skip the bad shit and go right to the good stuff.

But she always leaves in the same way she comes. Quickly and without any notice. I'm always like 'hey give me a hug or come say bye first you loser. Maybe I'm too sappy but I always want to end any night whether it's with a friend or family with a hug. I feel like its a lasting reminder of love to keep them going until the next time we meet. And who knows how long that'll ever be, so it's gotta last.

"Oh yeah," she begrudgingly comes back and gives me a light side squeeze. Yupp it's official, I am old and uncool now. Like a lonely parent who wants to give their child a kiss before dropping them off at school but they turn their cheek.

I try not to think this, because we honestly do have alot of fun together and its awesome having a friend again who's up for going to concerts, or talking about boys, or eating snacks at 11pm. I don't know though...it's very difficult for me to tell anymore whether people truly care or want to be friends. Or whether they see in you opportunities or things they can get from you, ways to improve their situation through being your friend.

Am I being too cynical, or just too perceptive?

Who knows...

All I know is, it get's lonely having to think all the time.

I finally told

I finally told.
I was molested as child by my father.

I told my step mom. Probably should have told her face to face but I did it over the phone.
Big mistake.
It gave him a chance to spin it as I'm crazy, delusional, and ultimately a liar. Whatever he could to make the blame stick to me.
I really thought she would give me the benefit of the doubt but she never called back. It's obvious where her beliefs lie.

I know it was him. I remember the room, the night, the cheap plastic stars on the ceiling, and the absolute terror I've felt. I say it is present tense because it still affects me. I don't need a therapist to decode why I have trust issues, or falling asleep issues, or even sex issues. They all come back to that night.
It explains so much.
Like why I never feel safe enough or trust I'm protected enough to fall asleep at night.
Like why I never feel completely okay when a man takes off my pants, even when I want him to.
Like why my father has never hugged me properly, it's always just a side pat when he will happily throw his arms around my sisters.

I thought telling someone would set me free. But they did what they always do. They told me it was my fault, that I'm crazy, that I'm a liar.

Even my wounds are my fault?

Maybe I've ruined my relationship with my father for good. But honestly was it ever really there? I think I really wanted it to. To have a mentor and hero, even if it meant stashing away the past. For anyone out there who is blamed or shamed or maimed by someone, you are not wrong. You are not the bad guy. You are not a liar. You are loved and worthy and worth being heard. And I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry that it had to happen to you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Hee Hee Hee

I don't know what it is, but I've found my tatoo.
It's going to say, "Is Love anything other than a song?"
Boom. Seriously boom my mouth did like a fish mouth saying that...
Breanne's gonna love this. She's going to be like, "ahaha that girl who still has my book looks funny on facebook bhahaha."
ps. Breanne do you still want that shit back?
ugh stop trying to be "clever tina." Mattie's the only one who reads this anyways. MATTIE: if you're reading this I love you but you annoy the shit out of me :P
I love how nerdy I've sounded in this passage. Yupp folks that's all it took, "I got high enough to become myself" Hee hee. Hee