Look Up

I realize its not purpose I'm so obsessed with but communication. Communication in the broadest sense of the word. The way we communicate information. The way a stranger communicates an idea to another in a way that outlines his thoughts to become a clear imprint in theirs. The way a mother communicates through touch to her baby. The way lovers can understand each others gestures like their own language. The way the digital system teaches and withholds to convince of certain attitudes which are not our own. The way the old communicate to the young. The way stories, books, plays, music, art, dance, and healing all tell stories that are both specific and personal, yet universally understood at the same time. The way emotion is communicated through the body, or art, or speech, or even just gestures. Communication does not = connection. But, Connection= the purpose of communication. Whether we notice it or not, its there every day in every way, nudging and waving, and smiling and yes sometime flipping us off, yet at the same time trying to open us up to the new. Or maybe its the old. Things we know but must must relearn, or be made aware of again. Like walking. We did have to learn that remember? But somehow the beauty of it got lost in the casual ordinary use of it everyday. But then all you have to do is look at a person in a wheelchair and BOOM. You remember, yes I have it good, I am lucky, I can walk, I should be more thankful, I should realize some have it rougher. All from the image, the sight, the communication of seeing a person pushing their wheelchair past you.

Just the other day I realized how simple communication is if you are willing to receive it, or at least paying attention to the beauty of its simple forms. It's sad to say but in the technology age, I find people actually more concerned with the communicating part, but less about the connection part of it. We email, text, yes even blog, but do we talk to people on the bus who sit right beside us? Do we smile at strangers? Do we even make the time to wave anymore? That last one especially.

It hit me like a hot bullet the other day how pleasing a wave and a smile can be between two people. Because honestly i am guilty of being caught up in my own world and forgetting to do it myself. Preoccupied and busy to consider looking up from the vortex which usually surrounds my head wherever i go. Remember those cartoons that had those storm or raining clouds above them to show that they were troubled? Well mine in a tornado.

Anywho, I was biking up the residential streets on my home from school awhile back and as usually i was in one of my preoccupied moods. Not even noticing cars much (almost got run over by some tard who came fast up behind me). And then for some reason I looked over to my right and there was this little old man about to cross the street. Classic grandpa with funny golf pants and tucked in shirt, little cabbie hat and big half moon glasses. And as I passed him, I literally heard in my head, "Turn back," as if he had spoken aloud. I thought it would look strange if I did, but hell the pull of those words and this feeling like he was emanating, I turned my head over me shoulder. And he smiled. And I smiled. And I waved. And he waved. And in that one second I turned the corner, and he was gone from sight. But in the one second, we had transpired. We had connected. Yes sounds like an overstatement or me making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I that second I remembered what it is to feel weightless in my heart. To know that we are all here. We all have problems. And the world is always going to be hard and rough. But that shared appreciation of us remembering we are all together, that we all know what it is to keep going, and that acknowledgement of each other in that one wave. That one gesture of appreciated kindness in a way gives me hope for the next month even, to try that much harder to love life. And to love others.

Sufficient to say, its proven, a wave can save a life. A smile can boost a persons day. A conversation can make a friend. An apology can change a future. A hug can deepen a relationship. A compliment can start one. Telling a joke can make history. None of these things can happen via text. None of these things happen when you're looking down. So look up. If not to save your mood, than to to save connection.

Meditation Magic

Visualize. Unwavering and undoubting. And then let it go.

Something I learned today from a small, yet significantly big moment.

Last night I went out with a friend from a late night Cabaret show and some drinks. Walking home at about 2 am and freezing out, my legs bare and the temperatures below freezing. But a soul quenching cold, the kind that sucks the blood to the surface of your skin, so that everything outside is that much more clear, that much more focused by the acid trails of ice that burn themselves to the brain, making the outlines of tree and the outline of the moon that much more defined, that much more beautiful.

That's besides the point. When I got home I was doing the lazy getting ready for bed wind down, and was reaching to my numb earlobes for my earrings. My favourite yellow and red feather earrings which had a special soft spot in my attachment section of heart. They were the first gift I had ever given to myself without feeling guilty or withholding myself from something pretty that I wanted. I know it sounds like a petty attachment, but I guess I can't word their meaning properly. What I mean to say is I never, never allow myself treats or little pleasures, always tight on money or low on self esteem I chain myself back from so many things. But one day I saw those pretty exotic looking earrings, and holding them up to my ear and seeing the way the tips dangled against my neck, I felt beautiful for once. I felt what it must feel like for those gorgeous woman who collect stares in bulk.  So I bought them because it was a small token for the goddess in me who wanted to feel like she deserved to be given some beauty, but also a reason to show off her own dusty, packed away beauty.

So as I reached to delicately pull them off I noticed there was nothing there on my right earlobe. Looking in the mirror I had a moments panic. Fuck.
I lost one. Probably on that walk that I had so much enjoyed a few moments ago.

I usually give into anger when things screw up. Or sadness. But for some reason I just decided to give up this attachment. To not let it bother me tonight. I had made up my mind, tomorrow I would go looking for it, and if I found it fantastic, and if not, I tried. That reaction itself was a gift in that it is sooo not me to let things go. But either way that night I had a deep and effortless sleep.

The next afternoon, by the time I woke up, I was a bit nervous about feeling hopeful that I could find it. I mean not only was I drunk the other night, but it was dark, my earring was only a couple of inches big, and I couldn't remember the route I had taken home, what chance would I have to actually find this thing? But I visualized myself looking down and seeing it on a sidewalk, and picking it up in my hands. I felt sure that I would find it, not even doubting the possibility that I wouldn't, and then gave up my worries to the universe, content with whatever happened. So when I took my bike out, going in an direction chosen by random, I rode past 5 blocks, trying to recognize something from my route last night. Nothing seemed familiar, but I kept going. And then by chance I looked down at just the right second and there, hardly visible at all, was my earring in a crack in the crosswalk. It seems like such a small thing, but it gave me so much pleasure and thanks. I looked up to the sky and said thank you, making sure to pay respects to where its due.

So this power of positive thinking might have something to it. Not in "The Secret" way where you just visualize ways of accruing a BMW so you'll automatically get it or a means of pulling filthy wealth towards oneself. I mean in the way that visualization, trust, and giving up expectations knowing that life will be fine either way, equals success. Success in the sense of a sense of security and peace in yourself. You might ask how such a small thing could actually solidify this notion in my head? I don't know actually. What I do know is that that feeling was foreign to me, and yet felt so familiar, like a effortless calming magic trick I had learned but forgotten. All I know is from now on I am going to practice this meditation "magic" more often.

Better and Better

Have not written in awhile. Life is a whirlwind in which I am caught and yet aware of myself spinning. A endless array of doubts and fears, and small happinesses and fleeting joys. I cannot explain how hard I am battling right now. My health problems, my emotional storms, my disintegrating ability to socialize, my loss of security literally and figuratively, and my unyielding desires to make something of my future and yet still enjoy this present moment. Contradiction. Stress Infliction. All bleeding into each other until I cannot even differentiate any of it from the massive ball of tangled weeds that it has become. I am not complaining, I am just so confused as to how to make it out, or why I seem to attract problems all at once. Please Please. I want to come out of this, a blazing unstoppable force, more alive more bright and more beautiful than I ever was. This is my opportunity. Every day in Every Way I am getting better and better. Or as the Beatles say it so well,  "it's getting better all the time…."

Home. Home. Home. Om

My only goal in life is to express that feeling. That feeling at a really great concert, when no ones saying it, but they are all breathing in tune with that sole guitarist playing. That feeling at the end of a party, when everyone has gone home except these last good few, and you sit together in a huddle and listen to the music on low until the sun comes up. That feeling when you are in the middle of the dance floor, covered in sweat and dancing your heart out, surrounded by the friend you love, in your own world where you are dancing for no one. That feeling when the loud holiday family feast has wound down, and you sit round the table, sipping the last of the wine and picking at the last of pie, retelling old stories like rolling around a milk chocolate memory in your mind's tongue. That feeling when you stick your head out of that car, on that drive, with that raging wind, with the cascading waves of the shoreline chasing beside you. That feeling when the milk cloud covered sky breaks into a storm, and the moments after its done, when the rain and wind have swept the air so clean its like drinking a cool glass of water to breathe.
To write that feeling
To play it
To draw it
To communicate it, and just grab someone, even for a minute. To get them to smile for a moment, a flashing twitch in their in lips before they continue walking to work, if I can do that, I will have done what I came here to do. I will be satisfied. And I will be content. I will be ready to leave behind this flesh suit and go on back to my home. The place where this feeling is endless and unstoppable, and never ending. Home. Home. Home. Om.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t1M4W44Y-4

Happiness Project

Sick sick sick of complaining. I am sorry. Sorry if you've been reading my latest posts. But mostly I'm sorry to myself. For allowing myself to give into sadness and hopelessness. It always the convenient emotion but I am physically going to force myself to start seeing the world through those rose coloured glasses, and start gathering those flowers like I mean it.

These past few days I went through a whirlwind of outward circumstances coming straight at me again. I had 3 boys in my life. One who wanted me for my body, one who wanted my mind, and one who is always after my soul. Yet I had never felt more empty and alone. Like this grabbing and appreciation was just for them, and really had nothing to do with me, just their need for taking was the importance. I find that alot with men...that they are naturally takers and women are naturally givers. Not in a judgemental way or to say they all are, just has been my experience and observation anyways.

After breaking up with the first, fighting with the second, and ignoring the third I went through a few days of withdrawal. The basic, alot of movies, crying, brownies and feelings of severe desolation. You know all the regular breakup withdrawal symptoms, not just from attention (which I have to admit was nice since i'm definitely not the alluring marilyn monroe type :P) but more from the feeling that yet again I had given my power away to others. And not only that but those who were underserving of it. I let myself get tied up in their expectations, and all the while completely lost my centre and my own core.

So I've decided to create a new goal: damn straight hardcore all the way happiness project! Yes and not it a selfish way, but self loving way. I've don't suffer from arrogance I suffer from self- flagellation of a terrible mental variety. So the only way I can think of truly getting me back, it starting to love and do the things I love. I will practice positive mantras every day. I will treat myself to sauna time. I will practice a dance routine and finish it. I will start writing everyday and not just "pretend" to. I will start making time to create healthy meals that I can eat and satisfy my bored tastebuds. I will make desserts that I can still feel good after. I will start taking pictures with my camera like I'm excited again, even by rocks and leaves. I will reconnect and start up good friendships which I've let gather dust. I will read instead of watch. I will listen instead of hide. I will gather my temper or let it out in a constructive way. I will try to be more open with my family. I will try to trust men and not feel like I want to punch them all :P Mostly I will love who I am and not feel embarrassed, shameful, or disappointed in who and where I am at this point in my life. I will. I will. I will. Will to will. Okay now I'm just annoying hahah. Nope wait i mean now I'm just persistent :)

Just Feel Okay

I don't know how to write anymore. And that scares me. I want to communicate, to break, to fill, and spill out all these things that come with life.

I wish I new how to properly describe the fear and excitement and frustrated fury I feel everyday.

I wish I knew how to stretch hours into days to fulfill the amount of passions and desires and things I want to try out.

I wish I knew how to feel good about myself without letting another pretty girl make me feel worthless.

I wish I knew how to describe how this ache of beautiful sadness I feel whenever I hear a good song, or fully dance around a room, or meet a new amazing friend, or when I feel like I accomplished something other than another responsibility.

I wish I knew how describe how my mind works like a camera frame daily, trying to make my life into a moving movie, with scenes and the best angles, and capturing the best snippets of funny dialogue, or the best soundtrack for each moment.

I wish I knew the difference between feel hopeless and hopeful. Or at least maybe the secret to figuring out the easy way.

Crying and random dance fits have become a necessity and yet a burden on my everyday life, something I literally have to do at least once a day or my emotions will literally rip in and out of me and leave me for dead.

I want passion, and fire, and health, and security. I want days with feeling okay, with feeling ready, ready for it all.

I want things that boost and become part of me. I want to be full and overflowing with purpose, saturated so deep in satisfaction each day that it pours out of me. Like a cup of nectar I want to be and see only sweetness. I want to be golden and bright and have that spark. I don't know where I am right now but I just want to get past the uncertainty and just feel okay. Just feel okay.

Change in Environment, Changed my Attitude

"Kiss him, kiss him, KISS HIM!!!"my mind chanted over and over as he walked me home.

Ever since I've been back from the ashram in California I don't feel like myself. And not it a liberating way. I feel lost and whats worse, I feel lost after I felt found. I think because I am no longer protected in a safe environment and around people who I love, and fortunately loved me back. At Ananda I was like a baby wrapped in blanket; I had play time, and a little active work time, nap time, yoga time, meditation time, and delicious home cooked meals served to me literally on a platter. I had breaks away from myself. Or at least from the nagging self "ego" which just cannot stand me and makes a point of telling me so. I had a worry fast in other words. And I was is love. God was I ever in love. And more than just with my partner, I was in love with my friends who were my ACTUAL friends. I was in love with nature and the gifts of her simple beauty, with the quietness in my mind I could finally experience like soak in a hot bath, with laughter which I rediscovered, and I was in love with life.

Now back home I feel like I was brutally stripped and woken out of bed, out of the comfort of my safety blanket. Back to coldness of reality. Back to money, and duties, and acquaintances who pretend to be friends for a beer night, and back to never having enough time to play after work. I'm still figuring it all out. But the truth is, I think I just miss believing in something greater than sadness, or pain. In that ashram hidden away in nature, for a time I think I really touched God, or at least my version of her. I felt hopeful, or like I wasn't alone for once in my lonely ridden life.

Being back I can't help but worry with my change in environment, I changed my attitude. I've sadly went back to thinking I could adapt back to my old self, the one who is happy with the mediocre barren lifestyle of a spiritless society. I cannot conform, I tried but it's killing me. It's the not being me which is killing me. Turning back on my spiritual path is being untruthful to myself. It is a tortuous game which I  can't play anymore.

Tonight I decided enough is enough. I called up an old friend who I really connected with in a way beyond "Facebook approved". We had a good time, going to the pool and acting like kids swimming and splashing and swinging off rope swings. After we went for some hot Pho and just talked. Like long past our meals being taken away, and past the check being paid for. Just because this is what connection is: the need and enjoyment of a persons company, WITHOUT needing anything else. In the technology age conversation has been replaced with banter over some form of texting. But there we were, the loud couple talking and laughing and goofing off, the couple who doesn't give a rats ass if they are retardedly making inappropriate jokes, and trying to aim candy in each others mouths over the table, or passionately debating over which indie bands are better than the others.

I didn't feel alone. And it was divine. But like all cute boys I connect with, I can't help it...I like them. Like in the way where I was subtly was checking out his tight toned body beneath his white t-shirt. The way I was finding excuses to touch and playfully push him after jokes. The way I was feeling like I really wanted him to kiss me. But truthfully after my break up from J, from the person I thought I was going to marry, I feel like all I really want is just someone to hopefully rub out my memories of him with someone else's lips. Not only that but almost prove that I can be that stupid superficial version of me, that I don't have to go down the spiritual path which lets face it, is much more harder and takes making alot more tough conscious decisions.

So as he slowly walked me back my mind was like a loop tape, chanting, "Kiss him, kiss him, KISS HIM!" But just as I reached the house and saw his bus coming around the corner, I just couldn't. Even though it would have been satisfying now, later on it would just be another reckless thing I did for temporary gratification. God though, hugging him goodbye I can't help but feel empty. Once I heard that the spiritual path is like a contract, once you are on it, there is no going back. But man, the spiritual path is a lonely one. Please divine ma, come back and fill this empty cup of loneliness. Fill me up. Fill me up.