I miss nothing. And I miss everything. I miss being careless. Fearless. Staying out into the night and never wanting to settle down. Telling myself what I want to be when I grow up and believing it would be possible. Giving charm bracelets to my friends because I loved them so much I wanted people to see.

Why do I feel so much like a child now that I am an adult? Immature. Insecure. And afraid of crowds, even when I know everyone at a party. I am so sick of writing sad things. But it is like a black weight tied around my ankles and hooked into my chest. A treasure box filled with lead.

I don't want to fade. Or lose me in this void of nothing. I am like a water-colour painting, the colour spread so thin and the vibrance diluting with age.

I want to be satisfied with who I am and not care if I am alone. I want to be excited about the future and fold away the past. I am scared no will read this. No one will feel this imprint of this longing in the footprints of their own heart. I don't want to fade. Or wear out. Or disappear. I call out into this abyss and I hear nothing. And that scares me

Am I the only one who feels this way?

Today I went to hand out resumes. With my heavy bag carrying all I need, my glasses, my sweater, my water bottle, my 30 pack of perfectly stapled resumes, my wallet, my cell phone, my umbrella, all of it. All of it weighing down my shoulder and my fragile self esteem as I spent an entire day in the pouring rain walking through the entire city in sopping wet sneakers, trying to find someone who will at least give me a chance. Sounds like the next fucking tragic novel :P


I can't help it I hate this damn system. We work, we get money taken off our labour even before we get the money, we get change for our hours, then we spend it all on food and shelter because that's all we can cover. We are constantly running on this mouse wheel, work, work, work. Work or die. This is no time for exploring, for meditation, for some music, for some planning. This system steals our life, our hours, our time. And we love them anyways?

I understand why all those people blow their little extra cash on booze and partying, because what the hell else is there? It's not enough for vacation or to get out of this rat race, so they say fuck it. At least for one night I can forget it all.

But I can't drink with out puking or smoke a puff without crying so that leaves me pretty much fucked. What is it about this planet that everyone thinks the same things but no one says anything?What is about people that makes them obey the one who steals from them?

Am I the only one who feels this way?

I Felt at Home

I don't know what's wrong with me. Whenever I get close to something, to someone, I close down. Like I always revert back to an emergency shut down button to end the program before I have to really try or experience what is coming up. I've been in New York for the past 2 weeks, and its a mixture of intense happiness and intense anger. The New Jersey beaches are beautiful and so clean and fresh I want to stay all day and night. And then New York is so exciting and yet so negative and loud I'm exhausted after only a day there. Plus it doesn't help that the friend I'm staying with is one of my best friends and one of my worst enemies. We nag and get into fights so easily it's like we're a couple who just can't get along and yet won't leave each other. And even though he has told me he likes me, I've never felt that way back. I guess since he just knows how to piss me off quicker than anyone on the planet. But he also comforts me in a way no one else can. We also have intense connections, I mean after fighting and bitching after a few hours we both come back to each other and hug and talk for literally hours and so honestly, that its divine.

I guess I'm just starting to wonder why the greatest gifts or the most beautiful things in my life are also tied in with my biggest challenges and biggest problems. I mean here I am travelling and in the new exciting place, yet even when I'm at the fucking Statue of Liberty all I care about is how my friend is such an ass to say certain comments about me.

Last night was particularly confusing for me. We were driving back from dinner in NYC and he was playing some music. But it was the same exact music we'd be playing the whole time I'd been here for the trip. For some reason that sparked something in me, and I just freaked. I turned it into this whole fight about how he doesn't listen to me or include me and how he's so selfish since he doesn't let me play my music. Fucking such a girl move. Picking an intense fight over something so damn trivial. I mean the real reason he kept playing the same songs was probably since he didn't have anything else to play.

Anyways I felt like an ass as soon as we got home. He wouldn't look at me and I couldn't look at him cause I realized how stupid I had been. So with my tail between my legs I walked back to him as he was brushing his teeth and apologized. And he forgave. We sat down on the couch and talked for a bit. But around 2AM  I said I was ready for bed and headed upstairs, but we reached in for our usual routine hug. Only this time we didn't pull out of it. We sat there, him resting his head on my shoulder and me cradling his neck to me. And I just allowed myself to be vulnerable and to enjoy this affection without worrying that I was "leading him on." But the problem is I think he took this that way anyways. Because as I was falling asleep I felt his light fingers stroke me cheek. Immediately I was alert and scared, and yet I kept pretending to sleep so he wouldn't go any further. He kissed me anyways. A light peck which I pretended not to notice and kept "sleeping" because I couldn't blame my ignorance in the morning on booze. I honestly don't know whether I am happy about last night or sad or creeped out. I mean for that hour we cuddled I felt at home. Safe. Cherished. But not romantic at all. More like I was at home and at peace for the first time in my life. But as soon as he kissed me he ruined that. He tainted something pure by turning it into something physical and dirty. I eventually "woke  up"and walked up stairs to bed. Thinking I could finally go to bed. But all night I've been wondering, am I rejecting happiness? Does this safeness or comfort I feel around him mean I should be in love with him? Am I horrible to love closeness but not be in love with someone?

Transformation is never calm

So I'm going to be honest, I haven't been completely honest. This blog was meant to be the place if not the only place for me to lay my shit bare. But I worry how things will sound, if my family will read it and judge me, or even more ridiculous that a stranger will judge me. But that's not how I want to be. I don't want to be afraid of the future anymore. I don't want to be constantly missing the past. I want to give up on this ridiculous notion of finding someone to "complete me". Fuck those movies and those books and the whole mass media telling you that you have to find prince charming, find that right car, that right job, that right boob size to fill that gap in you that you constantly want to avoid by filling it with things.

I want to be happy inside who I am. A total loser nerd who like books and Beatles and smoking mary jane with the stars outside. Who is fragile and tough and unbelievable undecided about life. I feel like the gap only gets smaller when you start filling in your character instead of your desires. Becoming an adult is like reinventing yourself. You can change and add and discover yourself like you're meeting yourself for the first time. It's beautiful. And bloody sad. And sometimes devastating. Transformation is never calm. I need to know what my passion is. I am open to finding out anything. I am open. Please find me. I cannot decide what to pursue anymore. I am so lost ma, help me out. I cannot listen to sad music anymore haha.
I miss faith, can you call her for me. I need to meet up with her again.

Music or writing. Music or writing. Music or writing? Music or Writing? Music or Writing, Music or Writing, Music or Writing! Music or Writing! Music, or Writing?!

I feel like I miss someone who I don't know

 I can't explain it, but lately I feel a mixture of intense contentment and intense loneliness. I walk outside and feel the sun on my skin, the way it gently kisses my cheeks and I smile. I feel free. But then I feel this intense sadness. Like there's something vital missing. From the situation. From the heart. It feels like I miss someone who I don't know. What am I missing? Is it because of my old friends? My old life? My future life which I haven't grown into? My family? The love I have never experienced with a partner? The freedom of travelling? I wish more than anything I felt free but this society constantly moves so fast it does not give us time to breathe. To think. To feel. What should I do.. how can I take a step forward when I feel like I'm tied down to the past.

Be Badass. Be Bold

I'm alittle scared. I feel like every time I know what I want to do, I get pushed to another idea and I feel like I need to figure out what to do all over again. I had my last exam today. After 2 weeks, 3 hours sleep total, 4 exams, and  a toal of 8+ hours of exam time, I feel really exhausted. I came home and felt very weak, emotionally, physically, everything. Everyone in my family has told me I'm smart. And I get it, I'm a brain I've fucking always been, and they all want me to go to school, to study, to get the official degree, the official job, the actual 9-5 job, the only one in a family of artists. But coming home from those brutal classes which will determine my future, I just felt like crying. Whats the use of a brain if all I do is exhaust it, let it run my life. What's the use of learning if my brain is filled with usless facts I don't need. I feel really scared. I love my philosophy class cause it actually teaches us to think for ourselves, the only class on the planet which does actually. Why do I have to take algebra, Bio Chemistry, if I want to be a writer? This whole schooling system is so fucked up. They teach us to learn things we'll never use, and the courses which we do want to take, the ones thats inspire and open our world up, are worthless to graduating. I keep feeling like I should just go to that music school, fuck the regular degree stuff, do something that takes you out of your brain. Something that takes you into your damn fire. Stop being a chickshit, be badass. Be bold. Firgure it out. And hurry up cause your next class is in 5 mins....