It's hard to describe how much I feel at the same time. I feel nothing and I feel the impact of the whole world at the same time. I feel intense happiness for God and intense sadness for being on this planet.
I kind of had a big breakthrough the other night. It's no secret that I've thought about death alot. And on bad days even prayed for it. But even though I thought it's what I wanted, in the back of mind my mind I was still afraid and still thought of it as a horrible thing. And then the other night, after once again losing myself to worry and fear and anxiety about the unknown future, I thought, why am I doing this? Why do I have this imposed self pressure to be someone? To be accomplished? To be the big important impressive person? Don't we all have to give it up at death? What is money and accomplishments when you die along with every other person eventually. I know it sounds morbid but knowing we all die and move on to something better than this world, made me realize how pointless it is to worry. So damn pointless. Accepting death actually became a comfort.
I finally understood what all those poets and artists spoke about how this whole life "is just a play" or "stage" in which we just are actors trying lines out. Because at the end what does it matter whether you were the hero or just the extra, the play still ends. So why not just enjoy it? Why not just be unafraid of being exactly who you are and who you want to "play" in this round? I may not be the hero or protagonist of which I always coveted, but in truth did I want that? Was I always seeking this glory because I wanted it or because so many of the people I knew expected it of me to go after those big roles?
All I want I realize and all I should ever want is to live up to who I am and what I want to be in this, this my life. No one else's. I am 21 now. Legally and emotionally I am really responsible for myself. God I hope I can live up to it. Tina you NEED to live up to it. Quitting is not you. Quitting will not liberate you. You must liberate yourself.
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Saturday, 4 May 2013
Try Too
Being around family is one of the worst and best things for yourself. In one sense, for me anyways, it feels like a comfort, a stability I've been missing for too long in this scary all over the place life. Then again seeing my family is like coming face to face with all the toxic and sad familiar habits and perceptions of yourself that they have been projecting onto you growing up.
I don't know about others, but I often feel somewhat like I need to perform, or even act a certain way in front of them. That they have me in this box, or persona, of which I have to play along because they won't allow me to be who are really am, or at least who I want to be.
I am visting my family right now and already...I don't know, I feel comfortable and familiar with them, but I also feel displaced and lost in myself again.
See in my family I'm the baby, and oddly enough that didn't mean I got favoured or the attention. In fact it turned out the opposite, the eldest were the more prized. I don't even say it in a self pitying way. It's just kind of a fact. Even just subtle things are obvious. My father when we are around each other talks little and sits tilted away from me. But when my older sister walks in the room he lights up, even drags his seat closer and will openly try and hug her.
There is so much bitterness in me for this. My whole life I just wanted my parents to see me, to love me, to be proud of me. But it never really happened. And I really think that is the part that has made me so weak. It's kind of funny actually. It became a vicious circle. Because I was so ignored I became so feeble and weak, and because I appeared so weak and dependant, they distanced themselves and were more and more inclined to ignore me.
I do not know sometimes how people build themselves up from rocky childhood's, because in a sense I never really had one, and in another sense I really feel like I never grew up.
I am so scared ma, divine ma, I do not know if I have enough strength in me to keep fighting for inner redemption, inner freedom, inner love.
The part that scares me the most is I've never felt more lonely in my life. Or maybe a better word is more responsible in my life. Responsible in the sense that if I want to continue living I might have to just do something drastic. Like leave completely my whole life, my family, my comfort zone and start over somewhere else. With no help. No back up daddy or no bailout cash from grandparents.
I just want to call out to all those who had to or have to start from nothing, from no wholesome family, from no stable foundation, from no place of recognition, and who manage to pull themselves up and out , I fucking salute you. I'm fucking am so proud of you. And I fucking love you for giving me hope to try too.
I don't know about others, but I often feel somewhat like I need to perform, or even act a certain way in front of them. That they have me in this box, or persona, of which I have to play along because they won't allow me to be who are really am, or at least who I want to be.
I am visting my family right now and already...I don't know, I feel comfortable and familiar with them, but I also feel displaced and lost in myself again.
See in my family I'm the baby, and oddly enough that didn't mean I got favoured or the attention. In fact it turned out the opposite, the eldest were the more prized. I don't even say it in a self pitying way. It's just kind of a fact. Even just subtle things are obvious. My father when we are around each other talks little and sits tilted away from me. But when my older sister walks in the room he lights up, even drags his seat closer and will openly try and hug her.
There is so much bitterness in me for this. My whole life I just wanted my parents to see me, to love me, to be proud of me. But it never really happened. And I really think that is the part that has made me so weak. It's kind of funny actually. It became a vicious circle. Because I was so ignored I became so feeble and weak, and because I appeared so weak and dependant, they distanced themselves and were more and more inclined to ignore me.
I do not know sometimes how people build themselves up from rocky childhood's, because in a sense I never really had one, and in another sense I really feel like I never grew up.
I am so scared ma, divine ma, I do not know if I have enough strength in me to keep fighting for inner redemption, inner freedom, inner love.
The part that scares me the most is I've never felt more lonely in my life. Or maybe a better word is more responsible in my life. Responsible in the sense that if I want to continue living I might have to just do something drastic. Like leave completely my whole life, my family, my comfort zone and start over somewhere else. With no help. No back up daddy or no bailout cash from grandparents.
I just want to call out to all those who had to or have to start from nothing, from no wholesome family, from no stable foundation, from no place of recognition, and who manage to pull themselves up and out , I fucking salute you. I'm fucking am so proud of you. And I fucking love you for giving me hope to try too.
Sunday, 28 April 2013
Is it?
Everyday that I spend enjoying the day, I enjoy it. Every day that I spend thinking in my head, being somewhere else, I stress and I fall into sadness. It is hard for me though, I want to enjoy my life. Yesterday was the perfect example. I soaked the day up with J just sitting in the sun, making homemade sushi with Mel, having laughs and popcorn with my yogi buddies for dinner. Spending a big chunk of the afternoon lying in J's arms and kissing every inch of each other like we were engrossed in rediscovering each other after being apart for awhile. It was all divine. I am grateful for it all.
But at the same time I'm still not closer to my purpose, to my dreams, to my ambitions for myself. I can't help it. It's always there and it's always going to nag me. And thats not living and thinking and being in the present moment is it?
How do we achieve that balance between being in the now and working towards our dreams?
But at the same time I'm still not closer to my purpose, to my dreams, to my ambitions for myself. I can't help it. It's always there and it's always going to nag me. And thats not living and thinking and being in the present moment is it?
How do we achieve that balance between being in the now and working towards our dreams?
Friday, 19 April 2013
Loving Self Discipline
I am a little confused. And scared.
Life is so big and overwhelming sometimes, then so personal and so beautiful the next.
I have some big decisions to face soon. Where to live. If I will stay with my partner despite distance. What passion to pursue for my career. Where to go to school. How I will afford it. If I can manage to stay on the path outside of my ashram. Most importantly, will I survive or overcome this depression which has been part of my life for so long. It stuns me and humbles me that I have been here for so long and yet I still feel like I need to stay even when I have to leave. Leave.Wow. This beautiful place where I may not have fully given myself to God, but at least felt like I am becoming more of who I really am. Whatever that is I hope she will stick around for me through this very chaotic and unknown part of my life. I have to own who I am and take charge of my life. I have to stop being a back seat driver in my life. I need to lovingly self discipline myself to take advantage of my time here on this planet.
Life is so big and overwhelming sometimes, then so personal and so beautiful the next.
I have some big decisions to face soon. Where to live. If I will stay with my partner despite distance. What passion to pursue for my career. Where to go to school. How I will afford it. If I can manage to stay on the path outside of my ashram. Most importantly, will I survive or overcome this depression which has been part of my life for so long. It stuns me and humbles me that I have been here for so long and yet I still feel like I need to stay even when I have to leave. Leave.Wow. This beautiful place where I may not have fully given myself to God, but at least felt like I am becoming more of who I really am. Whatever that is I hope she will stick around for me through this very chaotic and unknown part of my life. I have to own who I am and take charge of my life. I have to stop being a back seat driver in my life. I need to lovingly self discipline myself to take advantage of my time here on this planet.
Monday, 15 April 2013
You are not your thoughts
You are not your thoughts. People get trapped in this. I got trapped in it, for a long ass time. People think because they have a tendancy towards negative thoughts they are negative, which eventually becomes their whole world. But there is a process in who we are. We have choice.
Like if one day you are driving down the road, and someone suddenly cuts you off and drives ahead, our natural reaction would be of anger, of indignation, of hate. That is the REACTION, an effect of the cause. Next step is rationalization or observation. We analyze what happened, why it happened (maybe he was late for work or woke up late) and the how we are involved in the situation.
Step 1 and 2 are just reactive states, parts of the mind firing signals. But the real part, the part that really is YOU and really consists of YOUR CHOICE is the next part. You can let that situation control you, (aka you can decide to let that jackoff ruin your whole day and make you in a foul mood) or you can pull up and out of the situation ( deciding that okay maybe he was just late and I happened to be there during his drive) in which you are the master of the situation. So yes you will have reactions, and yes you will analyze things, but the real part of your mind which is really you, is your CHOICES. YOUR ATTITUDE.
My friends and I talked today about self effort vs. divine grace and which really get's the job done on the spiritual path. It's both. Choosing to attune yourself to higher divine qualities (love, compassion, honesty, perseverance) instead of the downward easier choices (anger, selfishness, dishonesty, cowardice) in all situations no matter how hard is your self effort. Choosing to turn towards goodness and deciding to put your energy into bettering yourself and the planet is definite self effort. Divine grace is those divine qualities, so we are meeting grace half way. Divine grace flows when we are aiming our will towards it, when we decide to open ourselves to it. I will consciously work to turn myself to grace over the easier, lesser path. Or as Frost said
Two paths diverged in the woods
And I
I took the road less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.
Like if one day you are driving down the road, and someone suddenly cuts you off and drives ahead, our natural reaction would be of anger, of indignation, of hate. That is the REACTION, an effect of the cause. Next step is rationalization or observation. We analyze what happened, why it happened (maybe he was late for work or woke up late) and the how we are involved in the situation.
Step 1 and 2 are just reactive states, parts of the mind firing signals. But the real part, the part that really is YOU and really consists of YOUR CHOICE is the next part. You can let that situation control you, (aka you can decide to let that jackoff ruin your whole day and make you in a foul mood) or you can pull up and out of the situation ( deciding that okay maybe he was just late and I happened to be there during his drive) in which you are the master of the situation. So yes you will have reactions, and yes you will analyze things, but the real part of your mind which is really you, is your CHOICES. YOUR ATTITUDE.
My friends and I talked today about self effort vs. divine grace and which really get's the job done on the spiritual path. It's both. Choosing to attune yourself to higher divine qualities (love, compassion, honesty, perseverance) instead of the downward easier choices (anger, selfishness, dishonesty, cowardice) in all situations no matter how hard is your self effort. Choosing to turn towards goodness and deciding to put your energy into bettering yourself and the planet is definite self effort. Divine grace is those divine qualities, so we are meeting grace half way. Divine grace flows when we are aiming our will towards it, when we decide to open ourselves to it. I will consciously work to turn myself to grace over the easier, lesser path. Or as Frost said
Two paths diverged in the woods
And I
I took the road less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
Little Piece of Peace
It's hard for me to say this. But I'm feeling like I falling back again. Back into my depression. I can't explain it but sometimes I feel like I am only treading water when I'm happy, like I am barely above the surface. And maybe I even convince myself that I am pushing through it, that I'm on top of it all. But then I remember time, or my waste of time, and the fact that I still feel no purpose, no passion, and I realize this whole time I was really drowning. I was submerged and wasn't breathing.
What do I do? I mean God didn't come. A boy did and that was amazing. But I still feel like there is a big chunk of my spirit grasping to fill this jagged hole in me. I can't keep detoxing all the time. I always getting rid of old habits, or taking all these vitamins, or trying this new cleanse, or adding some new exercise to make me feel good, yet I still feel unhappy.
Tomorrow I think I'll meditate. Or at least for longer than I used to. Not because of God. Or for answers.
Okay well maybe for answers.....
but mostly I think I should do it for a little piece of peace.
What do I do? I mean God didn't come. A boy did and that was amazing. But I still feel like there is a big chunk of my spirit grasping to fill this jagged hole in me. I can't keep detoxing all the time. I always getting rid of old habits, or taking all these vitamins, or trying this new cleanse, or adding some new exercise to make me feel good, yet I still feel unhappy.
Tomorrow I think I'll meditate. Or at least for longer than I used to. Not because of God. Or for answers.
Okay well maybe for answers.....
but mostly I think I should do it for a little piece of peace.
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
Realize what we need to Realize
The smallest things are what keep me alive.
I was having a particular hard night a couple days ago. I had just caught painfully gross strep throat, ontop of having my period, oh and the wee small fact that I hadn't been sleeping properly for years.
Basically I felt robbed of any kind of energy or motivation, or just happiness. I felt like my joyful spunky spirit was trapped in this horrible weak tiny body. I cannot explain how many times I have been sick or caught some random disease for the past few years, its fucking comical. If there's any trace or maybe not even fucking one, of some kind of disease or sickness floating around anywhere, I always without a doubt catch it.
I cannot explain to you this much, but it's kind of soul corroding. Yes I know it's not like it's Cancer or like I have a missing limb, but imagine spending your whole life in bed or recovering or slugging through your life. It pretty much sucks.
Anways that night I decided I hated God. Or to be more exact I completely convinced myself with so much hatred that there couldn't possibly be a God. After all these months of praying and chanting and meditating and crying out for God to enter my life, he still hadn't. And for further prove where was he when he decided to throw all this sickness ontop of my already ongoing insomnia problems.
I cried. And I just lay there with no hope or anything in my heart but pain.
The next day I took a sleeping pill. I just gave in. I slept all day and felt stupid for wasting a day but also happy for my brief period of relief. The sun was going down so I threw on my running shoes and booked it to the ridge top mountain which over looks endless rolling hills of forest mountains which all pour into each other and reach the horizon. I made it just as the sun was setting. I sat and meditated right amongst the dry corn weeds and didn't really do it for God. I kind of just did it for me. To breathe and relax I suppose.
As it started to get dark I walked back, slowly and deliberating taking my time. When there is nothing to rush back to, why rush? I walked along the cute little winding hills of the community and passed the goat farm. I've always loved animals and hoped maybe I'd see some. Although they are ususally penned up at at night and can't be seen. That was the first weird sign.
The goats were out. Or at least a few of them. I clucked and stuck my hand out over the fence trying to get them to come. I had my eye on this black girl that took a few steps towards me and gave me hope. But like a stubborn animal it stopped a few feet away from me and wouldn't move no matter what I did in my frustrating attempt. Eventually she turned abruptly around and walked off. That's when I noticed out of the corner of my eye a plump white buck who was waiting behind. As soon as the black goat left he walked right up to me with no hesitation and loving pushed his head right into my hands. Now goats aren't that particularly loyal or cuddly, I mean yes they let you pet them or yes they might stick around but eventually they get bored or hungry and skip off. This guy sat stretching his neck painfully straight up so I could stroke his nose, his neck, the little patch between his horns, I mean he was like a loyal puppy.
Funny thing is giving love is always the thing that makes me most happy. Receiving yes it lovely, but being allowed to adore a pet, a friend, a partner, has always been the thing that gives me the most joy. And here I was having had a particularly hard before and I felt better instantly because this young buck was nuzzling me.
In my weird sort of way I started trying to see into that whole experience as I kept walking home. I figured it was sort of a metaphor. The black goat sort of represented darkness, or at least the dark emotion of despair. Oddly I chose that goat first to coax, putting all my energy into that. Yet of course she held back, making me even more pissed for not getting fulfillment. But as soon as I gave up on her, that beautiful light animal ran right into me. He was waiting for me to stop directing my energy elsewhere so that he could have his chance to come to me. I even lovingly remember I subcociously kept cooing to the boy as I stroked his rough fur
"What a beautiful boy. What a beautiful beautiful boy you are Rama. Thank you Rama."
Why Rama? Why did I choose that name?
I looked up what hindu scriptures to see what they said about him.
This is what I found:
Rama is the seventh avatar of the god Vishnu in Hinduism
Ram's life and journey is one of perfect adherence to dharma despite harsh tests of life and time.
Wow it is no coincidence this small but beautiful experience happened to me. I don't think I completely changed my mind about life. But I definitely see that there are signs in everything, helping us to realize what we need to realize.
I was having a particular hard night a couple days ago. I had just caught painfully gross strep throat, ontop of having my period, oh and the wee small fact that I hadn't been sleeping properly for years.
Basically I felt robbed of any kind of energy or motivation, or just happiness. I felt like my joyful spunky spirit was trapped in this horrible weak tiny body. I cannot explain how many times I have been sick or caught some random disease for the past few years, its fucking comical. If there's any trace or maybe not even fucking one, of some kind of disease or sickness floating around anywhere, I always without a doubt catch it.
I cannot explain to you this much, but it's kind of soul corroding. Yes I know it's not like it's Cancer or like I have a missing limb, but imagine spending your whole life in bed or recovering or slugging through your life. It pretty much sucks.
Anways that night I decided I hated God. Or to be more exact I completely convinced myself with so much hatred that there couldn't possibly be a God. After all these months of praying and chanting and meditating and crying out for God to enter my life, he still hadn't. And for further prove where was he when he decided to throw all this sickness ontop of my already ongoing insomnia problems.
I cried. And I just lay there with no hope or anything in my heart but pain.
The next day I took a sleeping pill. I just gave in. I slept all day and felt stupid for wasting a day but also happy for my brief period of relief. The sun was going down so I threw on my running shoes and booked it to the ridge top mountain which over looks endless rolling hills of forest mountains which all pour into each other and reach the horizon. I made it just as the sun was setting. I sat and meditated right amongst the dry corn weeds and didn't really do it for God. I kind of just did it for me. To breathe and relax I suppose.
As it started to get dark I walked back, slowly and deliberating taking my time. When there is nothing to rush back to, why rush? I walked along the cute little winding hills of the community and passed the goat farm. I've always loved animals and hoped maybe I'd see some. Although they are ususally penned up at at night and can't be seen. That was the first weird sign.
The goats were out. Or at least a few of them. I clucked and stuck my hand out over the fence trying to get them to come. I had my eye on this black girl that took a few steps towards me and gave me hope. But like a stubborn animal it stopped a few feet away from me and wouldn't move no matter what I did in my frustrating attempt. Eventually she turned abruptly around and walked off. That's when I noticed out of the corner of my eye a plump white buck who was waiting behind. As soon as the black goat left he walked right up to me with no hesitation and loving pushed his head right into my hands. Now goats aren't that particularly loyal or cuddly, I mean yes they let you pet them or yes they might stick around but eventually they get bored or hungry and skip off. This guy sat stretching his neck painfully straight up so I could stroke his nose, his neck, the little patch between his horns, I mean he was like a loyal puppy.
Funny thing is giving love is always the thing that makes me most happy. Receiving yes it lovely, but being allowed to adore a pet, a friend, a partner, has always been the thing that gives me the most joy. And here I was having had a particularly hard before and I felt better instantly because this young buck was nuzzling me.
In my weird sort of way I started trying to see into that whole experience as I kept walking home. I figured it was sort of a metaphor. The black goat sort of represented darkness, or at least the dark emotion of despair. Oddly I chose that goat first to coax, putting all my energy into that. Yet of course she held back, making me even more pissed for not getting fulfillment. But as soon as I gave up on her, that beautiful light animal ran right into me. He was waiting for me to stop directing my energy elsewhere so that he could have his chance to come to me. I even lovingly remember I subcociously kept cooing to the boy as I stroked his rough fur
"What a beautiful boy. What a beautiful beautiful boy you are Rama. Thank you Rama."
Why Rama? Why did I choose that name?
I looked up what hindu scriptures to see what they said about him.
This is what I found:
Rama is the seventh avatar of the god Vishnu in Hinduism
Ram's life and journey is one of perfect adherence to dharma despite harsh tests of life and time.
Wow it is no coincidence this small but beautiful experience happened to me. I don't think I completely changed my mind about life. But I definitely see that there are signs in everything, helping us to realize what we need to realize.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)