Is it?

Everyday that I spend enjoying the day, I enjoy it. Every day that I spend thinking in my head, being somewhere else, I stress and I fall into sadness. It is hard for me though, I want to enjoy my life. Yesterday was the perfect example. I soaked the day up with J just sitting in the sun, making homemade sushi with Mel, having laughs and popcorn with my yogi buddies for dinner. Spending a big chunk of the afternoon lying in J's arms and kissing every inch of each other like we were engrossed in rediscovering each other after being apart for awhile. It was all divine. I am grateful for it all.

But at the same time I'm still not closer to my purpose, to my dreams, to my ambitions for myself. I can't help it. It's always there and it's always going to nag me. And thats not living and thinking and being in the present moment is it?

How do we achieve that balance between being in the now and working towards our dreams?

Loving Self Discipline

I am a little confused. And scared.
Life is so big and overwhelming sometimes, then so personal and so beautiful the next.
I have some big decisions to face soon. Where to live. If I will stay with my partner despite distance. What passion to pursue for my career. Where to go to school. How I will afford it. If I can manage to stay on the path outside of my ashram. Most importantly, will I survive or overcome this depression which has been part of my life for so long. It stuns me and humbles me that I have been here for so long and yet I still feel like I need to stay even when I have to leave. Leave.Wow. This beautiful place where I may not have fully given myself to God, but at least felt like I am becoming more of who I really am. Whatever that is I hope she will stick around for me through this very chaotic and unknown part of my life. I have to own who I am and take charge of my life. I have to stop being a back seat driver in my life. I need to lovingly self discipline myself to take advantage of my time here on this planet.
   

You are not your thoughts

You are not your thoughts. People get trapped in this. I got trapped in it, for a long ass time. People think because they have a tendancy towards negative thoughts they are negative, which eventually becomes their whole world.  But there is a process in who we are. We have choice.

Like if one day you are driving down the road, and someone suddenly cuts you off and drives ahead, our natural reaction would be of anger, of indignation, of hate. That is the REACTION, an effect of the cause. Next step is rationalization or observation. We analyze what happened, why it happened (maybe he was late for work or woke up late) and the how we are involved in the situation.

Step 1 and 2 are just reactive states, parts of the mind firing signals. But the real part, the part that really is YOU and really consists of YOUR CHOICE is the next part. You can let that situation control you, (aka you can decide to let that jackoff ruin your whole day and make you in a foul mood) or you can pull up and out of the situation ( deciding that okay maybe he was just late and I happened to be there during his drive) in which you are the master of the situation. So yes you will have reactions, and yes you will analyze things, but the real part of your mind which is really you, is your CHOICES. YOUR ATTITUDE.

My friends and I talked today about self effort vs. divine grace and which really get's the job done on the spiritual path. It's both. Choosing to attune yourself to higher divine qualities (love, compassion, honesty, perseverance) instead of the downward easier choices (anger, selfishness, dishonesty, cowardice) in all situations no matter how hard is your self effort. Choosing to turn towards goodness and deciding to put your energy into bettering yourself and the planet is definite self effort. Divine grace is those divine qualities, so we are meeting grace half way. Divine grace flows when we are aiming our will towards it, when we decide to open ourselves to it. I will consciously work to turn myself to grace over the easier, lesser path. Or as Frost said

Two paths diverged in the woods
And I 
I took the road less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.

Little Piece of Peace

It's hard for me to say this. But I'm feeling like I falling back again. Back into my depression. I can't explain it but sometimes I feel like I am only treading water when I'm happy, like I am barely above the surface. And maybe I even convince myself that I am pushing through it, that I'm on top of it all. But then I remember time, or my waste of time, and the fact that I still feel no purpose, no passion, and I realize this whole time I was really drowning. I was submerged and wasn't breathing.

What do I do? I mean God didn't come. A boy did and that was amazing. But I still feel like there is a big chunk of my spirit grasping to fill this jagged hole in me. I can't keep detoxing all the time. I always getting rid of old habits, or taking all these vitamins, or trying this new cleanse, or adding some new exercise to make me feel good, yet I still feel unhappy.

Tomorrow I think I'll meditate. Or at least for longer than I used to. Not because of God. Or for answers.

Okay well maybe for answers.....

but mostly I think I should do it for a little piece of peace.

Realize what we need to Realize

The smallest things are what keep me alive.

I was having a particular hard night a couple days ago. I had just caught painfully gross strep throat, ontop of having my period, oh and the wee small fact that I hadn't been sleeping properly for years.

Basically I felt robbed of any kind of energy or motivation, or just happiness. I felt like my joyful spunky spirit was trapped in this horrible weak tiny body. I cannot explain how many times I have been sick or caught some random disease for the past few years, its fucking comical. If there's any trace or maybe not even fucking one, of some kind of disease or sickness floating around anywhere, I always without a doubt catch it.

I cannot explain to you this much, but it's kind of soul corroding. Yes I know it's not like it's Cancer or like I have a missing limb, but imagine spending your whole life in bed or recovering or slugging through your life. It pretty much sucks.

Anways that night I decided I hated God. Or to be more exact I completely convinced myself with so much hatred that there couldn't possibly be a God. After all these months of praying and chanting and meditating and crying out for God to enter my life, he still hadn't. And for further prove where was he when he decided to throw all this sickness ontop of my already ongoing insomnia problems.
I cried. And I just lay there with no hope or anything in my heart but pain.

The next day I took a sleeping pill. I just gave in. I slept all day and felt stupid for wasting a day but also happy for my brief period of relief. The sun was going down so I threw on my running shoes and booked it to the ridge top mountain which over looks endless rolling hills of forest mountains which all pour into each other and reach the horizon. I made it just as the sun was setting. I sat and meditated right amongst the dry corn weeds and didn't really do it for God. I kind of just did it for me. To breathe and relax I suppose.

As it started to get dark I walked back, slowly and deliberating taking my time. When there is nothing to rush back to, why rush? I walked along the cute little winding hills of the community and passed the goat farm. I've always loved animals and hoped maybe I'd see some. Although they are ususally penned up at at night and can't be seen. That was the first weird sign.

 The goats were out. Or at least a few of them. I clucked and stuck my hand out over the fence trying to get them to come. I had my eye on this black girl that took a few steps towards me and gave me hope. But like a stubborn animal it stopped a few feet away from me and wouldn't move no matter what I did in my frustrating attempt. Eventually she turned abruptly around and walked off. That's when I noticed out of the corner of my eye a plump white buck who was waiting behind. As soon as the black goat left he walked right up to me with no hesitation and loving pushed his head right into my hands. Now goats aren't that particularly loyal or cuddly, I mean yes they let you pet them or yes they might stick around but eventually they get bored or hungry and skip off. This guy sat stretching his neck painfully straight up so I could stroke his nose, his neck, the little patch between his horns, I mean he was like a loyal puppy.

Funny thing is giving love is always the thing that makes me most happy. Receiving yes it lovely, but being allowed to adore a pet, a friend, a partner, has always been the thing that gives me the most joy. And here I was having had a particularly hard before and I felt better instantly because this young buck was nuzzling me.

In my weird sort of way I started trying to see into that whole experience as I kept walking home. I figured it was sort of a metaphor. The black goat sort of represented darkness, or at least the dark emotion of despair. Oddly I chose that goat first to coax, putting all my energy into that. Yet of course she held back, making me even more pissed for not getting fulfillment. But as soon as I gave up on her, that beautiful light animal ran right into me. He was waiting for me to stop directing my energy elsewhere so that he could have his chance to come to me. I even lovingly remember I subcociously kept cooing to the boy as I stroked his rough fur
"What a beautiful boy. What a beautiful beautiful boy you are Rama. Thank you Rama."

Why Rama? Why did I choose that name?
I looked up what hindu scriptures to see what they said about him.
This is what I found:

Rama is the seventh avatar of the god Vishnu in Hinduism
Ram's life and journey is one of perfect adherence to dharma despite harsh tests of life and time. 

Wow it is no coincidence this small but beautiful experience happened to me. I don't think I completely changed my mind about life. But I definitely see that there are signs in everything, helping us to realize what we need to realize.

Happiness Quenched

I don't know how to explain this, but loving someone means you have to be able to truly let them love you back. Sounds so ridiculous but I find that people don't even allow themselves to love themselves. They are terrified of of not being enough, or they can't even believe that they deserve or are worth being loved. I know this because I am one of them.

I've been in the early stages of a new love. The beginning, when it's exciting and fun and delicious to love. There has been no bad days and no arguments whatsoever. I won't go into too much detail but last night I got my taste of what real relationships are about.

We had a deep conversation, questioning our beliefs, our future plans, why we even love each other in the first place. It got heated but never angry. It got intense but never violent. It was about exploring and really learning about each other.  But it was like an emotional canon ball kept slamming into us until 2am. We both admitted we loved openly, but we weren't sure or somehow had a hard time accepting the love from the other person. So if we're both giving love out why couldn't we feel it or where was it going if we were not open to it?

Thank God I realized.

I went to class the next morning. There is a very uplifting retreat going on right now at the ashram. It's called Inner renewal week. Every morning the leaders give intense funny and spiritually uplifting talks about life, our quest, the important connections between religious scriptures, and of course God.
I made it a point to really listen this morning. Devi, this beautiful powerhouse 5 foot woman was speaking. She reminded us all that we will never be fulfilled with world. We will always be thirsty wanderers looking for the happiness in delusion unless we reach for the divine wine. And it hit me. I must love God first.

I've always been proud of my non attachment. I've never really lusted after much. Not the big car or big home or all those big toys. I've been almost smug in that, thinking well gee I'm pretty far up on the spiritual path above those other goonies. But the truth is I realized in the worst sort of way I'm very attached to people. When my dad left as a child it devastated me. I spend most of my teenage years angry and sad and blaming life for being so hard on me. Then when I found my best friends in high school I was so stoked and had a ball with them. I convinced myself I had made my "new family". But after graduation the connections drifted off. We ceased to hang out or phone and our friendships were reduced to sporadic facebook messages. That hurt big time. I stopped trusting people completely. My heart felt rusted shut. I had lost all over again, yet still I wasn't recognizing my pattern.

Then I came here to Ananda. I met soul friends. People I could laugh and play and discuss and delve into ourselves together. Spiritual warriors who fought with you. My heart felt alive. Felt completely ripped open again. But it wasn't until the day after one of my true sister yogis, Gayatri,  left that it hit me again. I felt lost and loss all over again. I was sitting crying in my bed and listening to some songs we had listened to nights before and my friend Meg came in. She sad and cuddled me while I crooned and lamented about how much I missed Gayatri.
I remember saying to her, "It's just so hard sometimes."
"What is? Life?"
"Yeah and change. And the unknown."
"Hmmmm. But isn't it beautiful. I mean we all came here at this time. For whatever reason. We were all meant to meet. And now the next thing comes. And we'll meet again. Down the road or if we plan it together. I mean the world is conspiring for our benevolent good. God never gives you something you can't handle."

Then it hit me. I was getting attached to people like others were attached to their things. In the worst sort of way I was trying to find love in other people instead of God. I mean even with my partner I had lost my way. That one night of emotional topsy turvy devastated me because I had put so much energy into him instead of focusing my love to divine mother. It's a truth. People will always, without fail or without a doubt, disappoint you in some way. They may be great but everyone is flawed and cannot never flinch. The only constant love, the only eternal love, the only unconditional love you will EVER feel is from God. I will always love people but I know now it has to be a open love. I cannot hope to hold them or change them or try and hoard them, I just have to love. And not think I can find happiness only in their returning love. I must love Ma first and with directed devotion so that she can fill my heart, that I may love without hurting, and love without loss. For only then do I ever feel filled, or that my thirst for happiness is quenched.

Loved Truly Back

When things fall apart, usually if you keep your spirits up, you realize it had to fall apart for something better to make way.

Seeing as I won't be in Cali forever and that my time is getting cut down, my sister and her hubby invited me and J for a snowboarding trip up in the great Sierra mountains. I was so looking forward to the weekend, for the snow for the time with my fam, but mostly for my chance to be with J. See in a spiritual volunteer ashram, or at least at this one, you're pretty much forbidden to have a relationship with one of the fellow devotees. It makes sense in some ways but in this case me and J have pretty much said fuck it to that rule apparently haha. It's just because we both intuitively knew this wasn't just some random hook up fling thing. We actually found love. Or at least I felt very much I had.

So anyways I was stoked to be away  from the retreat in an open space, in front of my family, and being able to lavish my love and affection for this amazing boy as much as I wanted without any reservations. It was my chance to really solidify our relationship as real. But like my fucking luck, 2 days before the trip I came down with a heavy flu and had to rest in bed. It's safe to say I was pretty much was pissed off at first. But for some reason, maybe my spirit is learning to listen more, I decided to let it go. I told myself I guess it wasn't supposed to happen, or that maybe God wanted something else for me. So I did what I could and just tried to get well. Sunday came and as it turned out one of the program leaders was also going on the boarding trip with my family. So we wouldn't have been able to enjoy the day openly anyways. Hmmm interesting.....

That's not all though. I was well enough that day that I suggested to J that we drive down to the Yuba river. We packed some snacks, loaded some good tunes, and got in his car. The Cali sun was blazing and the air warm. The spot we went to was a long drive where we kept stealing smiling glances at each other every chance we got. Farther and farther down this winding dirt road we circled deeper into these glorious mountain canyons down to the river. We spent the day eating melted chocolate chip cookies, scavenging over boulders to even more pretty lagoons, and kissing in between stops. Of course I even had to have a mini photo shoot of him with my fatty DSLR, I mean come on with his sexy scruff against the sand and water I had to. Laughing he complied with all my "director" suggestions. Tilt your head, move that bag, put your arm behind your head, yes seriously put that arm behind your head. 

It was a few moments after when I was smiling at him and he was coming over to me from his model spot that he chuckled, "I'm pretty sure I love you Tina."

OMFG.

I giggled back in sheer joy but managed to get out, "I'm pretty sure I love you too."
And then because I couldn't contain it I sighed deeply and looked up, "Thank god!"
 He asked why I was worried. I explained I had wanted to say I loved him for awhile but was afraid to say it first, maybe out of fear of scaring him or of worse, that he might not feel the same. So he pulled me to him and kissed me softly.
"I love you," he said so I couldn't look away from his eyes.
"Say it again!" I laughed
he laughed but again told me. Again I told him.

Look at this. That snowboarding trip which would have been fun, but not really, fell through. I was bummed but I left it up to the universe. And then this day. This beautiful day. This life changing day happened instead. I am in love and have loved. And even better I've been loved truly back. Thank you God for planning this for me.