WANTED: PHILOSOPHICAL MENTOR

So I'm wondering when school has to end because I am both terrified and glad when that moment comes.

I mean for me to get up before noon is a huge accomplishment, both considering I'm a fucked up kid and also because I'm psychologically programmed to be an insomniac. But with the reason of college classes I've found myself up and awake and ready for life again. I don't eat much, I study fucking everyday, and I struggle understanding most of what my classes are about. But I'm starting to feel content.

Not crazy excited about everything, or so much a nerd that I need to study to be happy, but in a sense reading and learning again is so wonderful after so many months of well...how shall we say "catering to assholes in the checkout isle" in a more polite way?

I don't know though, I still feel like something is missing. I kind of always do when I'm happy. It's like when I finally achieve what I'm after, I start feeling like it's not as good as it should be. Like it's flawed or it could be better. Why is that? Am I just naturally the most pessimistic person alive (I'm starting to feel like I could be) or is it true?

I just feel like I'm heading down a path that leaves behind so many other things I've wanted to do. I'm learning academics at college, but then I'm giving up becoming a writer. I'm giving up my dream to be a dj. To become a movie producer. A director. A vet. A philosopher. A freaking interior designer (that one's more just cuz I choose a good color for my bedroom and was so pleased with myself). But still. I feel like life is really about having the confidence to walk down a road and not look back before you even get lost.

I think what my life is missing is a mentor. I mean it's pretty obvious if you've read my other blogs that I'm a loner and a loser. It's kind of just a fact. Some people are funny, some people are pretty. I got this weird philosphical emotional crazy personality that makes me like a pariah in this society. I mean I love people and I wish I was one of those social butterflies that just have everyone begging to be attatched to their wings, but I'm not.

But I feel like I should have lived in older times, where people had mentors like Socrates and Aristotle who literally coached and taught and explored the world in more detail with their students. It's sounds so fucking cheesy and lame but fuck it. This is for me right. You guys can continue getting smashed in parking lots and having dance sex at a club, I wanna chill with Socrates! *(how cool am I?)

The thing is where do I find such a mentor? I mean criagslist has no heading called "PHILOSOPHICAL MENTORS".

Should I put out an ad in the newspaper?
WANTED: MIDDLE AGED MENTOR NEEDED FOR UNSTABLE GIRL
BE SMART. BE WISE. BE HOT??

hahah especially the last part...I'm joking byt the way....sorta :P
Oh fuck. I guess I just miss company of someone I can look up to.


I mean the best conversation I've ever had was in the waiting room of a doctors office. This wringgled old chinese man with pepper grey hair was sitting beside me. We started talking about the randomist shit. But amazing stuff came up. The emotional baggage of family. Our beliefs in the afterlife. Things we'd probably done in past lives. He said he was a Chinese emperor. I said I've had dreams that I was a horse
He even did a palm reading for me. He said he was a healer and could read people in this life. He took one look at my hand and spoke.

"You have strong mind. Intelligent beyond age.
But heavy emotions. They rule over you. Make you sick in heart. Strong passion, but lots of fear. Too much worry. Too much fear. You will grow old quickly if you let emotion take over. You will be successful but much work to get there. Lots of past ancestreal karma. Many problem with parents in this life. Curse put on you from past. Maybe you say you'll never be rich, so now you suffer with money. Lots of potential, only if you choose."

I felt like crying right there in that waiting room. With the babies crying and the manicured ladies flipping through magazines, I could have bawled if I hadn't bit my tongue so hard to hold in the tears. I felt like this man and stripped me naked and now Iwas emotionally more bare and vulnerable then I ever would be. It was a horrible experience. I hated him for awhile. But I also felt loved and amazing like for the first time I had the most honest conversation with someone.

I never saw that man again. I can't even remember his name. I wish I had. Because that is what I want. A teacher who can know me with just a look and see all my shit, but also all my pent up potential that I am dying to unleash.

So if you are reading this dear mentor please find me!
Or at least send me an email.

Or at least maybe..

My sister told me, "You're going to be a great business woman someday. Your so intelligent and pretty, I mean most people only get one or the other. But you have both."

I snorted, "Me, pretty?" HAH

"Seriously. You can't get anywhere on just looks, you have to have talent. But I mean it definitely helps."

Well then why does it always feel like I can never get anywhere? I love my sister for being the only one who gives me compliments and reminds me that I worth something once and awhile. But most of the time I just kinda wish someone else noticed me other than my family. I feel very much like I've lost my ability to connect with people these days. They talk about Dior, and timeline on Facebook, and guys they've screwed, and I'm still into The Beatles and books. I wonder when I'll find those people who make me feel good again. That restore my confidence back in being exactly the way I am. A nerd. Or at least maybe a pretty nerd....

I think that Lion was me

I had a dream last night. Dream is a light word for what I experienced. I had a physical and mental shock that past from my unconscious into my conscious.

What I remember was somehow I was is this desert. Golden sand for miles and sunlight so bright I felt like a lizard in a tank with a lamp hanging right over me. I can't remember specifics of who I was in the dream. Whether I was me, or some guy, or maybe really just a lizard, part of the desert surroundings. But I could see everything and nothing at the same time.

Until I saw a lion. Or at least I could see the outline of him in the distance. He was football fields away, but even from that distance, I could see his head turned towards me. I could see him looking at me. I shuttered. He moved closer, walking. Almost lazily, like he had all the time in the world. And then he started picking up his back feet, and his head bent forward in the wind. Pacing.

I wanted to turn, I wanted to run with everything inside me, but just like a dream, I couldn't.
He was now a field away. That's when in went into attack mode. Full on running at me. His mane flapping back behind him.

I screamed but nothing came. I ducked but he was still coming at me.

The last thing I remember was seeing him a foot away and his big golden eyes looking straight into me as he pounced forward, ready to take me down. And for some reason, mixed in with the absolute terrifying reality I was going to die, I was also in awe. His eyes were so big. So large they filled my whole vision. And it looked like I was looking into a whole universe contained within his gaze. I snapped awake, sitting upright and sweating so badly my clothes were damp.

It felt like the most blessed curse.

I talked to my sister the next morning about it and she said it was a good sign. That it was a powerhouse symbol coming to me.

But how can dying and being scared shitless be a good sign?

I think it meant things are coming for me. Terrible, terrifying, drastic things. But they will be just as fierce in their magnificence.

Just like the time I once did this questionnaire story thing, that symbolically tells you about yourself. My friend asked, "If you are in a field and off to the side a storm is coming, what does it look like? What are the clouds like? What does the air feel like?"

I said the storm would have strong winds, and violent black clouds, and slashing through it would be pink lighting. Apparently the "storm" was a symbol of what my future problems would be like in my life.

And true to form, my hardships are huge, they are rough, but just like my pink lightning, they are also blazing forms of change, that in the end are gifts. The worst things that happen to me are also going to be my greatest moments.

That lion was a physical embodiment of the way I react to life, fearful and scared shitless as it comes right at me. But only at the exact moment before despair, I gave in. I allowed myself to be at peace.

I wonder why it's only at the moment of destruction, we realize we should have done things different, and why before we die we finally have peace.

I look at the lion now like he is my greatest fear and greatest power. And I think he knows that too. Because somehow I think that lion was me.

Goodnight to No One

I haven't blogged for awhile. Mostly because I feel like everything I write is shit. Now most people say that, most writers especially. But I'm starting to realize I'm probably the most self loathing person on the planet. I hate that I'm not smart. That I'm not as pretty as I wish I was. That I don't have talent. That I work shitty jobs. That I don't take risks. That I boobs are smaller than walnuts (okay mandarin oranges to be fair). But mostly I just hate everything about my life and the fact that I can't change things.

I'm starting to realize to that I surround myself with people who make hating myself easy. I surround myself with catty girlfriends who are beautiful and brag about their hot boyfriends and their hot sex all day and I listen. I surround myself with guys who I like but they come to me for girl advice on how to hook up with the catty girls. I surround myself with my sister and family who expect me to be an adult, but they treat me like a child who can't be trusted constantly.

Most of all I hate hating myself. I see it, I recognize it. God I'm so aware of it. But I do it anyways. I compare myself to anything I can't have or be like it's my religion. And even when I try and break that habit, no one lets me or even allows me to be me.

I tell the truth. They think I'm lying. I be honest. They lie. I try hard. They tell me it's not enough. I try to live in the moment. They ask me what my plans are for the future.

I am so sick of this shit. I give up. I give up on people. I give up on myself. I thought my life would be like one of those John Hughes movies, where the depressed geeks finally break through. They finally get what they want or at least feel proud of who they are.

But life is not a movie. And I'm no actor. So I think I'll just go now. Goodnight to no one

No band aid for the heart

Please divine mother, if you can hear me help me. I'm scared and tired of have to fight for myself. Why do you make my dad so cruel to me? I wish he would just punch me so I could have some physical proof of how different he is behind closed doors. I hurt. I hurt. I hurt. And there is no band aid for the heart.

Find a good place soon....

After getting the great news that I got a place I wanted the other day, I decided to be responsible and phone back all the other people who's places I had seen to tell I had found my place, but thanks anyways. I packed. I planned. I played bob marley and bounced all through packing my life away. Then this morning a text. A gruff "Jess called" from my father. Jess was going to be my new roommate.
"What does she want?"
"Check you're email, you'll find out."
"Why don't you just tell me what she said?"
"Just read the damn mail"

Slams the door.

Type in email fast. Hit enter a hundred time even as it's still loading. There's something about the way my dad is avoiding my questions that makes me fear it's bad news. There it is. A email from *********@gmail.com

Hey Christina, I have some bad news. It doesn't look like my current roomate is going to get that place he wanted, it's being renovated. So he's going to stay. I hope you find a good place soon. 
-Jess


That's it? I packed, I phoned all those people to say no, I have only a week now to find a place, and you send me a 3 sentance email to tell me?

I cannot believe this. Only yesturday I was happy to start my future. I was thanking the angels for bringing me a break. And I thought I was finally given something good. I had something good for less than 24 hours.

Why? Why? WHY?

Maybe God can call me a taxi

I want things to happen for me that are good. That are kind. That restore me. That make me feel safe again. That allow me to trust even if I am walking blind. I want assurance. I want insurance. I want to stop making choices that are bad for me becuase they are easier. I want the best even if it means working harder. I want things to work out even if "working out" means something good happened but not the way I had planned. Mostly I want to feel like I'm not at the bottom of a steep hill looking up. Maybe God can call me a taxi. But I don't have his number.