Goodnight to No One

I haven't blogged for awhile. Mostly because I feel like everything I write is shit. Now most people say that, most writers especially. But I'm starting to realize I'm probably the most self loathing person on the planet. I hate that I'm not smart. That I'm not as pretty as I wish I was. That I don't have talent. That I work shitty jobs. That I don't take risks. That I boobs are smaller than walnuts (okay mandarin oranges to be fair). But mostly I just hate everything about my life and the fact that I can't change things.

I'm starting to realize to that I surround myself with people who make hating myself easy. I surround myself with catty girlfriends who are beautiful and brag about their hot boyfriends and their hot sex all day and I listen. I surround myself with guys who I like but they come to me for girl advice on how to hook up with the catty girls. I surround myself with my sister and family who expect me to be an adult, but they treat me like a child who can't be trusted constantly.

Most of all I hate hating myself. I see it, I recognize it. God I'm so aware of it. But I do it anyways. I compare myself to anything I can't have or be like it's my religion. And even when I try and break that habit, no one lets me or even allows me to be me.

I tell the truth. They think I'm lying. I be honest. They lie. I try hard. They tell me it's not enough. I try to live in the moment. They ask me what my plans are for the future.

I am so sick of this shit. I give up. I give up on people. I give up on myself. I thought my life would be like one of those John Hughes movies, where the depressed geeks finally break through. They finally get what they want or at least feel proud of who they are.

But life is not a movie. And I'm no actor. So I think I'll just go now. Goodnight to no one