I used to think when I was a kid I was special. It wasn't an arrogance, it was just this kind innate feeling I had about myself. It wasn't cause I thought I was pretty, or talented, or for whatever tangible reason people are rightly felt special...it was more like an odd special. It might have something to do with the fact that even at six years old I felt more engaged and had better conversations with 60 year olds, or that when most children were playing with barbie dolls or wondering what dessert they'd get that night I was worrying over my place in the world and wondering what the meaning of life is and ultimately how I fit into that scheme of things. I was curious about everything and anything and I desperately wanted to prove myself to the world. You know MAKE something of this wonderings, become the person I was destined to be. I could not have this kind of intense observation about the world without sharing it, without bringing my unique view to the table. Still...kind of a bit much to handle for a pre-pubescent kid you know what I mean?
But it didn't stop me. I couldn't help the way I was. Or am I guess I should clarify. Here I am a 2 decades later and still scared and wondering about the meaning of life. I'm sad to say though, that feeling of wonder, and that feeling of "specialness" is gone. After too many squashed attempts at my dreams, too many discouraging words, and too many loved ones bailing without a word, you start to not expect anything from life. From the world. From yourself.
That last part is the hardest to come to terms with. You think as a kid you invincible, that "you can do anything you put your mind to" like all the bullshit Walt Disney funded classic family krap movies they produce, trying to pretend like everyone gets their fairytale ending. Well it's not like that. The truth is life is about disappointments, and paying bills, and trying to motivate yourself to get out of the bed in the morning for a job you don't like. It's putting makeup on a Friday night to go out with people who don't really care about you but like to look flashy and get trashy for a website which publishes the glitz like you are part of the celebrity life. It's walking home at night too tired and exhausted to exercise like you know you should, where you nuke a easy dinner when you know you shouldn't, and watch that next episode of the series when you know you should be doing something productive but ah fuck it I'll do THAT tomorrow. Life is saying tomorrow during today because carpe diem only applies to the rich and beautiful who have the luxury of choosing what their day will be. Life is hurting. Wondering why after 2 decades of trying to get to know people, they still only want the surface of you and you have to pretend to be okay with that. Life is giving yourself entirely to someone else believing they love you back as fiercely, but they pack their bags and leave anyways, your love a nice vitamin booster for their future successful life. Life is having a mother who calls only twice a year to ask where she can buy face cream and asking how your friends are doing, because that's what really matters...Life is gargling salt and smiling as it goes down because "smile! Be happy!"is society's social norm while most people going home thinking about slitting their wrists.
Sigh. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just tired. And sick. Physically and in reality yes for only 2 days, but also emotionally...mentally....since birth? Wow. Scared for me tonight. Maybe better day tomorrow...right?
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