So. Damn. Scary

Scariest dream ever.
And probably grossest.
And makes no sense but at the same time made so much scary sense during the dream....

So basically I made up that these people named the "Hanoi" who were people from Western Africa were the oldest living culture and people (been around for thousands and thousands of years). Anywho I met one, and at this like reallllyy cool vintage shop by the way (again still a dream but damn they had some wicked stuff) while I was shopping and deciding if I wanted this particular 70's marble orange and white skirt and shirt set.

This woman I met was pregnant, very late in her pregnancy if the massive bulge was anything to go by under her long plain brown maxi dress. I got to talking with her, asking her about her pregnancy and preparation for a child and stuff. I guess I've just always been fascinated (in reality too) about people who decide to be mothers, wondering what actually motivates them to have a child and whether its really deep down for the right reasons. Unlike my mother who had children for lack of focus and defaulting, going back to having a child was her way of temporary happiness emotionally and chemically- it's a real thing- thats why mothers have hormonal withdrawl after giving birth because you aren't being pumped with all that happy juice that was there during your time to create life. Anyways the girl seemed like she was happy, a little bit "in love" with her baby, rubbing her womb every once and awhile and looking at the swelling fondly when talking about it, like she was already looking at her baby.

At the same time, and for whatever reason people feel more comfortable with strangers, she also told me her fears. Saying she was nervous and scared she wasn't going to be a good mother, that there was no man in the picture, that she'd fuck it up and that being "Hanoi" having a baby out of wedlock was sin (apparently like alot of cultures- until very recently in their history they had become mostly Catholic during the Misssionary times and thus inherited alot of the good old fashioned Catholic guilt.) I tried to find a way to ease her worries, say something to make her relieved, but looking and my past and the type of mother my mom was to me, I couldn't very well quote any good lessons or truth about good motherhood.

It was at that same time that Pastor Mike came into the shop (the newest character in my dream). He was apparently a classmate in highschool and apparently I thought very highly of him. I met with him and his mother for tea the day earlier and he recounted how he was giving up everything, ambitions, sex, etc all to become a full time pastor and eventually priest of the church. He had been a wild and drunk teenager during our youth and to her him speak with such conviction and dedication about his faith and newfound path in life- I was in awe, and to be honest- jealous. He had focus where I certainly (in both reality and the dream) do not. Anywho he walked into the shop and saw me and we smiled and exchanged pleasantries. And because I am a polite girl, I introduced the Hanoi girl to Mike. It seemed harmless enough but for some reason I saw them exchange a glance between them, something unspoken was going on. After all she was a proper Hanoi and here was man dressed in black with his small white collar- trademark of the Catholic priests. I didn't think much of it at the time other than it was a coincidence they were so different in idealism, but still followed the same God. And that in a way she was inferior to him because of that faith.

That was until the next week. I was eating lunch with some friend (faceless and nameless since they weren't all that important), but the key role of the nameless was to scream as she was reading the newspaper. I looked up from my meal in curiousity as she shoved the newspaper at me.  There on the front cover was a large picture of the same Hanoi girl, alongside a much smaller picture of Pastor Mike and of all things...my mother. And in bold words read : "Catholic Minister trades Mother to Mother: Saviour or Savage?"- which really caught my attention.
I read on:
" Pastor Mike, a known Catholic minister of the city of Vancouver has attempted the first womb to womb surgery. Last Thursday at 10 pm Mike performed an unorthodox and unlicensed surgery on a pregnant Hanoi woman ( 8 months into her pregnancy) and attempted to reinsurt the fetus into the womb of 55 year old Yvette West, a devout and older Catholic mother."

O. My. God.
I had introduced them!
The next page there was a bloody image of the carved out body of the Hanoi girl, her face twisted in pain and her belly hacked up and bloody as she was rushed into the emergency room. Of course the article kept going about how she was out of wedlock and the baby was fatherless, how my mother was more experienced to have a child having already had 4 children and devout Christian. It was clear there was a bias going on. And of course like all fucking news it left out the most important pieces, if the Hanoi girl was still alive, whether Pastor Mike was even charged, and most important of all- how unbelievable fucked up this whole situation was and yet they were whitewashing it.

All I can remember is that this dream is like a jumbled mess of everything I am worried about in my life right now. My lack of focus or path (shown by Mike), my doubts about motherhood and if its for me ( the Hanoi girl), the scary consequences and unknown actions resulting from my decisions (introducing the two people) and the unbelievable messedupness of my mother and my fear I will become a savage person like her ( her savage decision to steal the child in order to feel something again).

All's I can say is it makes complete sense and no sense. And all of it- is So. Damn. Scary.