And for a second I was at the precipice of self loathing and another downward spiral, when I stepped back and thought, "wait a minute, no I'm not."
I looked into who I am.
I am the type of girl who even though I've know this girlfriend for a couple weeks, during a random house party I will hide and put a candle on a cheesecake I've conveniently hidden and get the whole crowd to shut the hell up and sing "Happy Birthday" because even if they are strangers, she still deserves to be special. To be celebrated.
I am the type of girl who even after a guy I really liked and was dating went behind my back and hooked up with my best friend, the first thing I ask when I bump into his best friend, is to ask how he's doing.
I am the type of girl who cheerleads for anyone's dreams, even no matter how small or delicate they are, always putting the spotlight on where it needs it most because I'm more comfortable and natural at being the one backstage.
I think if anything I haven't been selfish enough. Or self loving anyways. Every mistake, every intentional hurt from another, every chance I don't take, its always another reason to mentally flagellate myself. If I had physical proof of the rape and massacre of my mental thoughts, my body would have already peeled back from itself, inside out.
The only way I have ever been selfish is wanting someone who loved me. Unconditionally. That's the catch, the second part. Whenever I stop becoming useful, or entertaining, or people are buoyed enough by my stepping up my back to the next rung on the ladder, they leave. I cannot count or even put a statistic to this but it is a problem that is a running rampant virus that I see not only in my life but even through heartbreaking stories of strangers, when they are just tipsy enough to let out the pains they keep so tightly confined in Monday morning suits.
And I say fuck it. So be it. Be alone then Tina. Own it. Until you find those people who really love and encourage and inspire you, and just plain stick by who you are as much as you can for them...
Don't bother.
And for that man who called me selfish, you know who you are, as Bob Marley once wisely said,
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