Small steps Big difference

I had a good day today. Since quiting my second job awhile ago I now have days of free time. Despite not making much money and my dad's initial judgement and dissapointment in my decision, I've come to feel like it was a smart choice. I mean there are still times when doubt creeps in and I wonder what the fuck I'm doing since I'm kind of just drifting...but this drifting is nice. I woke up at noon. Lazy and still basking in that warm sense of good sleep I had a hot bath. And then a cold shower. And I just was content to not think or worry or feel anything other than the rush of water over my raw skin. I made an omlette full of thick hot lava butter. And cheese. And onions. Sliding my mishapen and squggly omlette I added a half a piece of avacado and grabbed a spoon. I ate and scooped out every speck of food until it was gone. I didn't feel guilty for the fat or because I wasn't exercising. I just gorged on that soft green avacado, letting it squish on my tongue like wet clay. And I read. Like a novel. No lame magazine or college brochure or drivers manual. I read a book. It was the first good book in awhile. The sun came out and I dragged my smelly old sleeping bag out on the back lawn. I lyed in the sun and read. And dozed. And let the sun stroke my head the way my mom used to as a baby.

 I felt loved. Or just calm. Something unfamiliar with me. But I trusted it. I wonder if this is God? Or maybe its just me when all the dust settles. I worry. And I weep. And I fear. But sometimes when I have cried and thrown up all that stupid emotion shit, I have this deep calm. This complete and utter peace that only comes when I don't notice or when I forget to fear.

The book I was reading was strange. But the characters so real and the story so twisted but so realistic. I mean there was no imgainary shit and no fairy tale storyline. It was about average people but how their lives twists and interceeds dramatically, and sometimes devistatingly. I can only describe it as beautiful. The reason though I think I loved it so much was because a girl in the story finds love. But its not that krap in hollywood. It isn't sex or love at first site bullshit. In fact they hate eachother at first. But they learn about eachother. They accept eachother. They adore eacother. And they love eachother. I just keep reading this line in the story. After spending straight days together she's getting ready to leave and he won't let her. He keeps pulling her back down and whining for her to stay again. Like he can't relax, can't even fall asleep without her with him. She laughs and tells him sleep since he could and did before he met her.  And Robbie tells her, "I don't know what I did before. Before you. I can't remeber what I cared about or looked forward to. Whatever it was, it's gone now. All I care about now is you. It's insane, really, kinda stupid. But I've never felt like this before. For anybody. Nothing like it."

My god so fucking beautiful and so damn honest even I felt my heart swell reading it. It was just so sexy.  Even though it's not sexual or any innuendos in there at all. It just how he said it. Like he cherished her. Adored her. Needed her in every way. Even just to be able to fall asleep he needed her presence there. If that's falling in love god I want it. Growing up I was always longing to be like my beautiful sisters. They were perfect. Slim, sexy, and just so naturally attractive all they needed was to smile and the boys came running. Especially the eldest. She had boyfriends in and out of her life since 15 I would say. I used to hate it. I kept telling myself that hatred was because I thought it was superficial but the real reason I was jealous. Jealous they were stealing her from me, and so damn envious that she had that power over men. That irresistable allure. I couldn't blame her though. She was smart, and delicate, and so stunningly beautiful what man wouldn't want to possess her? It was hard for me to face but I was a very jealous person. Still am. I'm jealous of the beautiful. The talented. The smart. The rich. The spolied. But I don't want to be. So bad it hurts. But this envy I feel for those I should love is like a poison that eats me like a cancer. I want to learn to hapy and confident in myself, even without all the things I yearn to have.

Most of all though I think I want to fall in love. I know it sounds corny and that I sound like every damn impressionable heartsick puppy teen since the dawn of time. But I can't help it. I want someone to want. But more than that I want someone who wants me back. Who says things like Robbie. Who tells me he needs me, and misses me even before I left. Who makes me blush, and makes me feel bold at the same time. Who listens to the same dorky music as me and will dance around the living room when I pull him.   Who will make omelettes with me and know to add extra onions cuz thats the way I like them. I think I just want someone who knows me you know? Like the good shit and all the ugly shit, but still can't imagine life without me. Who I know better than he knows himself, and he can always tell what I'm feeling. Even when I don't want him to.

I don't have that allure though. That sensual yet coy allure most women have. That thing that just draws in men like bees to honey. I don't know if they were born with it or they learned how to master it but some women just have it. They can flirt as naturally as speaking. They have that way of blinking even that's sexy. Fuck man, the closest I got to flirting was telling a guy at Starbucks I thought his shoes were nice and then when he gave me a weird look I tripped and fell off the barstool. Real smooth retard. 


Oh well...
I just have to stop always longing for something. Money, trips, guys, it's all giving me stress and I don't even have it yet. I need to learn to take a day at a time. Like today. Sleep. Breathe. Eat. Relax. Read. Think. Don't think. Feel. Doze. Walk. Small steps big difference.