Lady Balls

I've decided I'm a lesbian. It's easier. It's right. And most of all it actually makes sense. I think I was just in denial for so long becuase I was scared of what my family might think. But since my family (particularly my father) have never really been proud or aware of me, I finally said fuck it to myself! I'm gonna do the shit I want to do when I want to. I'm tired of always trying to please others and making decisions based on how it looks to the outside world. 

I came to this personal sexual preference choice tonight actually, or more precisely 11:11pm. Since the time was also creepily identical i took it as some weird fucked up psychic sign that this is a good choice. 

Initially I was thinking about this type of decision before tonight but the events that happened to me today just confirmed it for me.

At about 6pm I basically ran home from work like a crazy bitch to prepare for what was supposed to be my first official date. With a guy. Yes you know the people with a "P" down there instead of the "V". He was my childhood crush. We'd seen eachother off and on for about 2 years after finding eachother on facebook after I moved away in middle school. So like anyone who you haven't seen in awhile, you want to look fucking super hot when you see them again. Not like hoebag-overtrying-slut hot, but that effortless-breezy-sexy hot. So I shaved (which is a big deal for me seriously), straightened my hair, put makeup on, ate a nervous dinner of toast, and even wore a bra! 

When he came to pick me up he was casual and funny. But it was still awkward. And I knew instantly why. He wanted me "in that way", whereas I just wanted to go see a movie and veg out. So we went to the movies and had dinner and talked and laughed. It was nice I thought. Besides the fact the fucker made me pay for everything except the popcorn. What a gentlemen eh? Anyways driving me home he kind of just roughly pulled my hair in some kind of attempt at kissing me. But we were in a parking lot. And correct me if i'm wrong but if you want to kiss a girl you shouldn't rip her scalp off as foreplay right? So I basically blew him off. I turned away, and not because I'm frigid. Fuck I can be just as horny as the next wacked out teenager. But I just didn't like it. I didn't like him, I didn't like the energy, the way it was happening, and the fact that he was a guy. The whole situation made my skin feel like it was crawling with lice.

To say the ride home was awkward is an understatement. I could have bloody sliced the air with a knife it was so tense. He wouldn't look at me and I tried to make trivial small talk to smooth things over. He dropped me off and we said bye like 4 wobbly times. 

I came straight to the computer because my fucking best girlfriend who is that friend you have to share news with right away wouldn't answer her god damn phone. So now I'm resorting to having to tell the computer. Really intimate tina...

Hence I started typing at the ominous 11:11pm to which I made the decision I'm a Lesbian. If I had gone out to dinner with a girl, she would have dressed up and impressed me too. She would have been courteous and helpful with the bill. She would have been smooth about seduction, and slow, and smokey. She would have leaned in slowly for a kiss and wouldn't have tried to pull my head off like the god damn headless horseman. And it's not even all that either. It's the fact that I've never felt good being physical with guys. In fact all my (well few) experiences getting physical with a guy have either ended up making me disappointed or pissed or like this case: just plain grossed out. 

I know talking bout this shit is weird and yada yada, but I guess I'm just wondering if I have the lady balls to actually full on become an official dyke. A homo. A lez. A woman's woman. Specially since introducing a girlfriend to my family would for certain cause a few heart attacks. I mean for my Grandma (who is a pyscho Catholic preacher in a tiny frail grandma's body) telling her that I was a Lesbian in her eyes would be the equivalent of me being a raping murderer atheist. Seriously. In fact I think even the murdering atheist could still repent and get in to heaven, where as us lesbos are damned no matter what. Fucking love how religion works hey?

Oh well...jesus I've been saying that s often it's become my catchphrase. I can't make any money? Oh well. I don't know what to do for a career? Oh well. There's no more toliet paper left? Oh well. Will my family disown me for being a dyke? Oh well. 

Honestly though I'm kind of happy because for once I feel certain about something. Or at least certain enough to know men are dicks even without their real dick. There is no prince charming. There is no knight in shinning armour. But if I can find a saucy brunnette babe I'd consider my fairytale dream come true. So hey Cinderella, ditch that fag prince and give me a ring sugar ;)