Little Piece of Peace

It's hard for me to say this. But I'm feeling like I falling back again. Back into my depression. I can't explain it but sometimes I feel like I am only treading water when I'm happy, like I am barely above the surface. And maybe I even convince myself that I am pushing through it, that I'm on top of it all. But then I remember time, or my waste of time, and the fact that I still feel no purpose, no passion, and I realize this whole time I was really drowning. I was submerged and wasn't breathing.

What do I do? I mean God didn't come. A boy did and that was amazing. But I still feel like there is a big chunk of my spirit grasping to fill this jagged hole in me. I can't keep detoxing all the time. I always getting rid of old habits, or taking all these vitamins, or trying this new cleanse, or adding some new exercise to make me feel good, yet I still feel unhappy.

Tomorrow I think I'll meditate. Or at least for longer than I used to. Not because of God. Or for answers.

Okay well maybe for answers.....

but mostly I think I should do it for a little piece of peace.

Realize what we need to Realize

The smallest things are what keep me alive.

I was having a particular hard night a couple days ago. I had just caught painfully gross strep throat, ontop of having my period, oh and the wee small fact that I hadn't been sleeping properly for years.

Basically I felt robbed of any kind of energy or motivation, or just happiness. I felt like my joyful spunky spirit was trapped in this horrible weak tiny body. I cannot explain how many times I have been sick or caught some random disease for the past few years, its fucking comical. If there's any trace or maybe not even fucking one, of some kind of disease or sickness floating around anywhere, I always without a doubt catch it.

I cannot explain to you this much, but it's kind of soul corroding. Yes I know it's not like it's Cancer or like I have a missing limb, but imagine spending your whole life in bed or recovering or slugging through your life. It pretty much sucks.

Anways that night I decided I hated God. Or to be more exact I completely convinced myself with so much hatred that there couldn't possibly be a God. After all these months of praying and chanting and meditating and crying out for God to enter my life, he still hadn't. And for further prove where was he when he decided to throw all this sickness ontop of my already ongoing insomnia problems.
I cried. And I just lay there with no hope or anything in my heart but pain.

The next day I took a sleeping pill. I just gave in. I slept all day and felt stupid for wasting a day but also happy for my brief period of relief. The sun was going down so I threw on my running shoes and booked it to the ridge top mountain which over looks endless rolling hills of forest mountains which all pour into each other and reach the horizon. I made it just as the sun was setting. I sat and meditated right amongst the dry corn weeds and didn't really do it for God. I kind of just did it for me. To breathe and relax I suppose.

As it started to get dark I walked back, slowly and deliberating taking my time. When there is nothing to rush back to, why rush? I walked along the cute little winding hills of the community and passed the goat farm. I've always loved animals and hoped maybe I'd see some. Although they are ususally penned up at at night and can't be seen. That was the first weird sign.

 The goats were out. Or at least a few of them. I clucked and stuck my hand out over the fence trying to get them to come. I had my eye on this black girl that took a few steps towards me and gave me hope. But like a stubborn animal it stopped a few feet away from me and wouldn't move no matter what I did in my frustrating attempt. Eventually she turned abruptly around and walked off. That's when I noticed out of the corner of my eye a plump white buck who was waiting behind. As soon as the black goat left he walked right up to me with no hesitation and loving pushed his head right into my hands. Now goats aren't that particularly loyal or cuddly, I mean yes they let you pet them or yes they might stick around but eventually they get bored or hungry and skip off. This guy sat stretching his neck painfully straight up so I could stroke his nose, his neck, the little patch between his horns, I mean he was like a loyal puppy.

Funny thing is giving love is always the thing that makes me most happy. Receiving yes it lovely, but being allowed to adore a pet, a friend, a partner, has always been the thing that gives me the most joy. And here I was having had a particularly hard before and I felt better instantly because this young buck was nuzzling me.

In my weird sort of way I started trying to see into that whole experience as I kept walking home. I figured it was sort of a metaphor. The black goat sort of represented darkness, or at least the dark emotion of despair. Oddly I chose that goat first to coax, putting all my energy into that. Yet of course she held back, making me even more pissed for not getting fulfillment. But as soon as I gave up on her, that beautiful light animal ran right into me. He was waiting for me to stop directing my energy elsewhere so that he could have his chance to come to me. I even lovingly remember I subcociously kept cooing to the boy as I stroked his rough fur
"What a beautiful boy. What a beautiful beautiful boy you are Rama. Thank you Rama."

Why Rama? Why did I choose that name?
I looked up what hindu scriptures to see what they said about him.
This is what I found:

Rama is the seventh avatar of the god Vishnu in Hinduism
Ram's life and journey is one of perfect adherence to dharma despite harsh tests of life and time. 

Wow it is no coincidence this small but beautiful experience happened to me. I don't think I completely changed my mind about life. But I definitely see that there are signs in everything, helping us to realize what we need to realize.

Happiness Quenched

I don't know how to explain this, but loving someone means you have to be able to truly let them love you back. Sounds so ridiculous but I find that people don't even allow themselves to love themselves. They are terrified of of not being enough, or they can't even believe that they deserve or are worth being loved. I know this because I am one of them.

I've been in the early stages of a new love. The beginning, when it's exciting and fun and delicious to love. There has been no bad days and no arguments whatsoever. I won't go into too much detail but last night I got my taste of what real relationships are about.

We had a deep conversation, questioning our beliefs, our future plans, why we even love each other in the first place. It got heated but never angry. It got intense but never violent. It was about exploring and really learning about each other.  But it was like an emotional canon ball kept slamming into us until 2am. We both admitted we loved openly, but we weren't sure or somehow had a hard time accepting the love from the other person. So if we're both giving love out why couldn't we feel it or where was it going if we were not open to it?

Thank God I realized.

I went to class the next morning. There is a very uplifting retreat going on right now at the ashram. It's called Inner renewal week. Every morning the leaders give intense funny and spiritually uplifting talks about life, our quest, the important connections between religious scriptures, and of course God.
I made it a point to really listen this morning. Devi, this beautiful powerhouse 5 foot woman was speaking. She reminded us all that we will never be fulfilled with world. We will always be thirsty wanderers looking for the happiness in delusion unless we reach for the divine wine. And it hit me. I must love God first.

I've always been proud of my non attachment. I've never really lusted after much. Not the big car or big home or all those big toys. I've been almost smug in that, thinking well gee I'm pretty far up on the spiritual path above those other goonies. But the truth is I realized in the worst sort of way I'm very attached to people. When my dad left as a child it devastated me. I spend most of my teenage years angry and sad and blaming life for being so hard on me. Then when I found my best friends in high school I was so stoked and had a ball with them. I convinced myself I had made my "new family". But after graduation the connections drifted off. We ceased to hang out or phone and our friendships were reduced to sporadic facebook messages. That hurt big time. I stopped trusting people completely. My heart felt rusted shut. I had lost all over again, yet still I wasn't recognizing my pattern.

Then I came here to Ananda. I met soul friends. People I could laugh and play and discuss and delve into ourselves together. Spiritual warriors who fought with you. My heart felt alive. Felt completely ripped open again. But it wasn't until the day after one of my true sister yogis, Gayatri,  left that it hit me again. I felt lost and loss all over again. I was sitting crying in my bed and listening to some songs we had listened to nights before and my friend Meg came in. She sad and cuddled me while I crooned and lamented about how much I missed Gayatri.
I remember saying to her, "It's just so hard sometimes."
"What is? Life?"
"Yeah and change. And the unknown."
"Hmmmm. But isn't it beautiful. I mean we all came here at this time. For whatever reason. We were all meant to meet. And now the next thing comes. And we'll meet again. Down the road or if we plan it together. I mean the world is conspiring for our benevolent good. God never gives you something you can't handle."

Then it hit me. I was getting attached to people like others were attached to their things. In the worst sort of way I was trying to find love in other people instead of God. I mean even with my partner I had lost my way. That one night of emotional topsy turvy devastated me because I had put so much energy into him instead of focusing my love to divine mother. It's a truth. People will always, without fail or without a doubt, disappoint you in some way. They may be great but everyone is flawed and cannot never flinch. The only constant love, the only eternal love, the only unconditional love you will EVER feel is from God. I will always love people but I know now it has to be a open love. I cannot hope to hold them or change them or try and hoard them, I just have to love. And not think I can find happiness only in their returning love. I must love Ma first and with directed devotion so that she can fill my heart, that I may love without hurting, and love without loss. For only then do I ever feel filled, or that my thirst for happiness is quenched.

Loved Truly Back

When things fall apart, usually if you keep your spirits up, you realize it had to fall apart for something better to make way.

Seeing as I won't be in Cali forever and that my time is getting cut down, my sister and her hubby invited me and J for a snowboarding trip up in the great Sierra mountains. I was so looking forward to the weekend, for the snow for the time with my fam, but mostly for my chance to be with J. See in a spiritual volunteer ashram, or at least at this one, you're pretty much forbidden to have a relationship with one of the fellow devotees. It makes sense in some ways but in this case me and J have pretty much said fuck it to that rule apparently haha. It's just because we both intuitively knew this wasn't just some random hook up fling thing. We actually found love. Or at least I felt very much I had.

So anyways I was stoked to be away  from the retreat in an open space, in front of my family, and being able to lavish my love and affection for this amazing boy as much as I wanted without any reservations. It was my chance to really solidify our relationship as real. But like my fucking luck, 2 days before the trip I came down with a heavy flu and had to rest in bed. It's safe to say I was pretty much was pissed off at first. But for some reason, maybe my spirit is learning to listen more, I decided to let it go. I told myself I guess it wasn't supposed to happen, or that maybe God wanted something else for me. So I did what I could and just tried to get well. Sunday came and as it turned out one of the program leaders was also going on the boarding trip with my family. So we wouldn't have been able to enjoy the day openly anyways. Hmmm interesting.....

That's not all though. I was well enough that day that I suggested to J that we drive down to the Yuba river. We packed some snacks, loaded some good tunes, and got in his car. The Cali sun was blazing and the air warm. The spot we went to was a long drive where we kept stealing smiling glances at each other every chance we got. Farther and farther down this winding dirt road we circled deeper into these glorious mountain canyons down to the river. We spent the day eating melted chocolate chip cookies, scavenging over boulders to even more pretty lagoons, and kissing in between stops. Of course I even had to have a mini photo shoot of him with my fatty DSLR, I mean come on with his sexy scruff against the sand and water I had to. Laughing he complied with all my "director" suggestions. Tilt your head, move that bag, put your arm behind your head, yes seriously put that arm behind your head. 

It was a few moments after when I was smiling at him and he was coming over to me from his model spot that he chuckled, "I'm pretty sure I love you Tina."

OMFG.

I giggled back in sheer joy but managed to get out, "I'm pretty sure I love you too."
And then because I couldn't contain it I sighed deeply and looked up, "Thank god!"
 He asked why I was worried. I explained I had wanted to say I loved him for awhile but was afraid to say it first, maybe out of fear of scaring him or of worse, that he might not feel the same. So he pulled me to him and kissed me softly.
"I love you," he said so I couldn't look away from his eyes.
"Say it again!" I laughed
he laughed but again told me. Again I told him.

Look at this. That snowboarding trip which would have been fun, but not really, fell through. I was bummed but I left it up to the universe. And then this day. This beautiful day. This life changing day happened instead. I am in love and have loved. And even better I've been loved truly back. Thank you God for planning this for me.

Such bliss from Thoughtlessness

It is amazing how thoughtlessness is what equals happiness. Let me clarify, when I say thoughtlessness I don't mean being selfish or self absorbed, I mean thoughtlessness in the sense that there are no thoughts or projections wizzing in your brain.

This morning I was assigned by my service program to shovel snow. Seeing as I'm practically antsy and sad every time I have to work inside while the sun is shinning I was pretty much ecstatic to do it.  

It had snowed the day before in a magnificent shitload as I would call it. So much and such big flakes that after only a few hours the entire community was just covered in the perfect touchable powder white bliss that always has a way of making me a giddy goof.

So here I was shoveling the walkway with the sun out, the sky ice blue, and the wind clear and fresh. Soft patches of sunlight filtered through the trees so that there were checker boxes of sun and shade. It was when I reached a warm spot that I just stopped heaving and just turned my face to the sun. In that exact moment I was happy. Not excited or ecstatic or bouncing off the walls, but just happy. And I realize just like every other perfect moment I've had in my life, it's because there was no other thoughts going through my head other than what I was doing in that exact moment. I had no worries or regrets or stress or longings. I was just shoveling snow in the morning and that's it. That's all I was thinking, in fact I wasn't thinking it, I was just doing it.

I mean if I can feel such bliss from thoughtlessness for just an hour, what would or could my life be like if I used this practice every day. Maybe even for the rest of my life? I think I am on to something good..... :)

?

I miss you Charity. I miss talking to you. I am alittle lost and I think you could help me. Where are you?

The way love should be

It's real. I am in love. I am falling in love. And I'm letting myself float deep into it. Like the way love should be. I didn't think this would ever happen to me. But here I am, lying in bed at noon curled into the side of his body, his arms pulled tight against me, his scruff tickling my neck as his soft lips drift down my neck, and god my heart squeezes with so much happiness it feels like pain and joy together. I don't know if it will last or if maybe I am getting to far ahead of myself, but right now, in this moment, I swear it is everything I ever wanted.