“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” - Bob Marley
I kinda feel sick. Everytime I find something good, it dissolves as soon as I grab it, like a sandcastle that with one touch, crumbles. I met guys who I think are nice, they turn out to be douche bags. I think I've found a genuine friend, yet she ditches me whenever I need her. I get what Bob Marley is saying, but sometimes it feels like I should just become a hermit, cause I don't think I can do anymore of this suffering stuff. It seems like I am constantly fighting against luck, against murphy's law. That ol murphy loves to hang around me and I'm starting to think he's the only one I can count on. I miss feeling like I have a confidant. Or someone I can rely on instead of always having to be the reliable. But am I the problem? Am I attracting all this shit, all these flakes? Or even is it my fault? Most of the time I convince myself that all the hurt they dish out, is actually my fault. How fucked up is that?
What should I do? I know I complain but it's only because I feel so fucking lonely. So goddamn lonely. I have friends and family, yet I don't feel like I could or would call any of them even if I was lying in the streets. I am in a crowd of familiar faces, yet I am homesick for something I can recognize.
Saturday, 10 March 2012
Saturday, 3 March 2012
Seeing
Friday night was like any other night, except for the fact I realized who I was for the first time in my life, and my connection to humanity. Yeah, just that small detail.
I had hung out with one of my favourite buddies that night. We hadn't seen each other in awhile and we'd been fighting in the past so when we first saw each other I'll admit it was awkward. But after a few minutes of cold ice cream on a windy night, and walking along the seawall with city lights painted on the water, we gave into our old ways and talked freely with each other. After walking till our feet were numb we finally headed back to his place and smoked a puff. I decided fuck it, it's the weekend and for once I don't have exams this week so why not. And if you don't know me smoking weed is a big big deal for me, mostly because I hate how it makes me emotional and usually that leads to my dark depressed side and usually end up thinking about how the world is going to shit (yes I'm a tad dramatic if you haven't noticed). But maybe this weed was really good or maybe I was finally just having a good night, because I felt high on life.
Heading home to the transit stop I felt aware of everything. How the cold rain made my nose red, how the couples linked arms and huddled under their umbrellas. How the pizza shops were bustling, and cashier at the gas station looked longingly out at the party-ers on the strip.
It was like I was seeing for the first time after a lifetime of walking with my eyes closed. Getting on the last sky train of the night I realized how the day train people differ from the night time train people. I don't know what it is... it's like they're more relaxed and shed their "Business Mondays" facade.
Sitting down on those sticky vinyl seats I decided not to plug in my iPod or randomly scroll my phone, but just people watch instead. And there was so much of it.
It was like I was seeing for the first time after a lifetime of walking with my eyes closed. Getting on the last sky train of the night I realized how the day train people differ from the night time train people. I don't know what it is... it's like they're more relaxed and shed their "Business Mondays" facade.
Sitting down on those sticky vinyl seats I decided not to plug in my iPod or randomly scroll my phone, but just people watch instead. And there was so much of it.
Kids coming back from friday night partying, the girls giggly and the boys loud.
An old man in tweet pants, old man slippers, and a trench coat and bald spot, fast asleep, his head resting on his chest.
A couple together, the girl sitting beside him with her legs up on the adjacent chair and her armed linked in his. The way he easily slipped her hand in his.
And then another stop. He came in. Slouchy rocker clothes, big rimmed glasses, and a cocky smile. Everything about him was a contradiction which I liked to look at. This guy and me noticed each other, but like any other crush, you notice everything under your avoiding eye contact. This guy and me were looking everywhere but each other and then when our eyes clashed we both flash smiled and looked away
But it's not the crush or even the funny little things I saw. It was fucking bigger than any of that superficial stuff.
I felt like i was witnessing life, or present stories, or memories in the making. All of it. Happening right in front of me.
Just the thought that all these people have families to go home to, or a loved one to call tonight, or a urge to make it home to their comfy bed, made me realize we are thinking feeling beings, all connected all the same.
I felt a link and love at the same time for humanity.
That's when my intensity (partly let's face it mixed with my weed buzz) gave me this weird sensation and image in my mind projecting onto the screen of reality. Everything, all the people on the train were all there just as they were, but I also saw and felt my heart pumping outside of my body. My heart was pumping these veins or arteries connected to the people, like they were parts of me and we were sharing the same blood flow that i was supplying. I felt like God.
I know this all sounds like hippie dippy bull krap, and you're thinking next thing I'll be tripping on acid and renaming myself some tweaked out name like "Purple Star Child". But the thing is if you know me, you'd know that admitting this experience means it really was more than some fleeting drug affect. It was like for the first time, I felt like reason and love were connected to make sense of all this craziness going on in the world. I felt like for once in my very pessimistic realistic I don't give a rats squiggly ass life, that I cared. And that I wanted to be more present to what is going on around me and the people who are right beside me.
I know this all sounds like hippie dippy bull krap, and you're thinking next thing I'll be tripping on acid and renaming myself some tweaked out name like "Purple Star Child". But the thing is if you know me, you'd know that admitting this experience means it really was more than some fleeting drug affect. It was like for the first time, I felt like reason and love were connected to make sense of all this craziness going on in the world. I felt like for once in my very pessimistic realistic I don't give a rats squiggly ass life, that I cared. And that I wanted to be more present to what is going on around me and the people who are right beside me.
I guess Lennon was right, life really is what happens while your busy making other plans, or mainly, scanning your cell phone.
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Nothing Wrong
I keep feeling like somethings wrong, but the funny thing is the thing that's wrong....is that nothing wrong. Probably for the first time in my life nothing is wrong. I am content. It feel weird, like a dress that's a a little too big and I haven't fully grown into it yet, but at the same time, it feels really good.
Monday, 30 January 2012
Life in Inventory
I'm doing a business accounting course :(
for those who are not Asian, mathematics lovers, and descendants of Albert Einstein, you know what I mean when I say I hate accounting. I mean I'm trying to learn, I"m trying to get better at it, I'm trying to understand what the fuck the professor writes on the board. But that's just it. I'm always in the trying stage! I mean when am I gonna get to the lightbulb-goes-off-in-the-brain stage??
Funny thing is though is I'm starting to kind of see my life in a Inventory format way. Even rating people as well.
For me it goes something like this. Scale of 1-10, 10 being good.
ASSETS:
Personality.....8
Humour..........9
Ability to go from queek to chic....10
Work Ethic.............(can I give myself 100 on a scale of 10?
Total= 127
LIABILITY
Money........-100000(currently in negative dollars due to fucking school fees and having to eat occasionally)
Upkeep of Apperance......1
Smartness ..........1 (thanks to accounting goddammit)
Finding a good Career.......0
Total= -98000
TOTAL SCORE: 127- (-98000)= you're screwed
Shit I need to up my assets. Maybe if I add a toned ass or something I could get my plus income points...
Fucking kidding. Sorry I'm rambling. Just feeling like I need to rant. Back to the books :P
for those who are not Asian, mathematics lovers, and descendants of Albert Einstein, you know what I mean when I say I hate accounting. I mean I'm trying to learn, I"m trying to get better at it, I'm trying to understand what the fuck the professor writes on the board. But that's just it. I'm always in the trying stage! I mean when am I gonna get to the lightbulb-goes-off-in-the-brain stage??
Funny thing is though is I'm starting to kind of see my life in a Inventory format way. Even rating people as well.
For me it goes something like this. Scale of 1-10, 10 being good.
ASSETS:
Personality.....8
Humour..........9
Ability to go from queek to chic....10
Work Ethic.............(can I give myself 100 on a scale of 10?
Total= 127
LIABILITY
Money........-100000(currently in negative dollars due to fucking school fees and having to eat occasionally)
Upkeep of Apperance......1
Smartness ..........1 (thanks to accounting goddammit)
Finding a good Career.......0
Total= -98000
TOTAL SCORE: 127- (-98000)= you're screwed
Shit I need to up my assets. Maybe if I add a toned ass or something I could get my plus income points...
Fucking kidding. Sorry I'm rambling. Just feeling like I need to rant. Back to the books :P
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Natural or Rational?
I have a philosophy class in school, and I thought it would be amazing, and it is in one way...but it another it's kinda terrible.
I mean I'm all for rationality, reason, facts, evidence, against faith. But it feels to me like this teacher is set on attacking everything spiritual or everything that has a natural law behind it.
For those who don't have a philosophy book in they're hand, the Natural law basically says that everything in the natural world has a reason or PURPOSE behind it. Like if a hurricane hits, it's because of humanity's karma. Or if one person dies and another lives, that survivor was probably a better person.
But that can't be right. I mean a hurricane has no conscience or brain that says, "I'm going to punish people for what they did to the earth." It's just a hurricane. It's just a change in winds. And it just happened to be passing through the land that day.
Or if mass murderer and a child both have cancer, and if the murder gets to live, obviously that wasn't the right choice right?
So rationality says that natural law is bogus. And that rationality is what distinguishes us as a human being. What makes things work.
But what about the rationality we are living in. We are constantly reproducing as humans, we have mass starvation and population crisis' everywhere. Rationality dictates that well if we have a growing population, then we need more resources. We need to expand. We need to make more room. We need to chop more trees down. Take more fish to feed the empty mouths. But in that very action of rationality, we are ignoring natrual law. That those trees had a purpose in the area. That overfishing and mass slaughter of animals is leaving more species extinct. That we are in fact temporarily feeding the overpopulation, but also speeding up the end of our own demise.
In the natural law, a virus or a species that it overpopulated, by natural selection and by natural balance, is destroyed or lessend to achieve balance once again. The natural law in fact says, that balance IS purpose. It's what keeps the sustainability of life ongoing.
But becuase humans have conscience, have power, have the unique mind with the ability to go against the natural order, we do not follow the balance. We overtake, overuse, overspend, and overpower our way of life against all other species and inhabitants of this planet. And yet still humans think rationality is better. I mean I understand rationality is needed to govern life, but in matters of sustaining life, which is better to follow? The natural or the rational?
I mean I'm all for rationality, reason, facts, evidence, against faith. But it feels to me like this teacher is set on attacking everything spiritual or everything that has a natural law behind it.
For those who don't have a philosophy book in they're hand, the Natural law basically says that everything in the natural world has a reason or PURPOSE behind it. Like if a hurricane hits, it's because of humanity's karma. Or if one person dies and another lives, that survivor was probably a better person.
But that can't be right. I mean a hurricane has no conscience or brain that says, "I'm going to punish people for what they did to the earth." It's just a hurricane. It's just a change in winds. And it just happened to be passing through the land that day.
Or if mass murderer and a child both have cancer, and if the murder gets to live, obviously that wasn't the right choice right?
So rationality says that natural law is bogus. And that rationality is what distinguishes us as a human being. What makes things work.
But what about the rationality we are living in. We are constantly reproducing as humans, we have mass starvation and population crisis' everywhere. Rationality dictates that well if we have a growing population, then we need more resources. We need to expand. We need to make more room. We need to chop more trees down. Take more fish to feed the empty mouths. But in that very action of rationality, we are ignoring natrual law. That those trees had a purpose in the area. That overfishing and mass slaughter of animals is leaving more species extinct. That we are in fact temporarily feeding the overpopulation, but also speeding up the end of our own demise.
In the natural law, a virus or a species that it overpopulated, by natural selection and by natural balance, is destroyed or lessend to achieve balance once again. The natural law in fact says, that balance IS purpose. It's what keeps the sustainability of life ongoing.
But becuase humans have conscience, have power, have the unique mind with the ability to go against the natural order, we do not follow the balance. We overtake, overuse, overspend, and overpower our way of life against all other species and inhabitants of this planet. And yet still humans think rationality is better. I mean I understand rationality is needed to govern life, but in matters of sustaining life, which is better to follow? The natural or the rational?
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Unbiased God
Am I the only one who thinks religion is bullshit? Or more specifically religious people?
I hear them on the TV, they're in the newspaper articles, they're in my life. They're on bumper stickers, on songs and in my bloody philosophy class. They preach about their ways. They say they're way is the only way. That I'm missing out. That I am wrong. That I'm cynical. That I am cursed. That I'm going to hell. But wait! They have the get-out-of-hell free card....just convert :)
Let me tell you something. You are not a better than me because you believe in something I don't. You are not a better person because you condemn others. You don't have a better chance at going to heaven because you follow scriptures. You are not a better person because you say everyone else is damned. You are not a better person for judging someone if they're homosexual, or of a different faith, or because they believe in science.
You are not a better person if you use the "word of God" to kill another person, to stone a woman to death, to bomb a country, to make someone feel like they are hopeless. You're not closer to God than anyone else just because you think you've found the "right" path.
You don't have a better chance at Heaven if you push ideas on other people. If you put fear and restrictions on others. If you coerce someone into something they did not want themselves.
And most of all. It doesn't matter how much praying, or yoga, or meditation you practice, if you can't follow simple morals and have good intentions towards others, you are still in the preschool stage of enlightenment. You can do all the religious practices you want.
But in the end are you a good person?
Because my nameless, religionless, unbiased God, he cares about that the most.
I hear them on the TV, they're in the newspaper articles, they're in my life. They're on bumper stickers, on songs and in my bloody philosophy class. They preach about their ways. They say they're way is the only way. That I'm missing out. That I am wrong. That I'm cynical. That I am cursed. That I'm going to hell. But wait! They have the get-out-of-hell free card....just convert :)
Let me tell you something. You are not a better than me because you believe in something I don't. You are not a better person because you condemn others. You don't have a better chance at going to heaven because you follow scriptures. You are not a better person because you say everyone else is damned. You are not a better person for judging someone if they're homosexual, or of a different faith, or because they believe in science.
You are not a better person if you use the "word of God" to kill another person, to stone a woman to death, to bomb a country, to make someone feel like they are hopeless. You're not closer to God than anyone else just because you think you've found the "right" path.
You don't have a better chance at Heaven if you push ideas on other people. If you put fear and restrictions on others. If you coerce someone into something they did not want themselves.
And most of all. It doesn't matter how much praying, or yoga, or meditation you practice, if you can't follow simple morals and have good intentions towards others, you are still in the preschool stage of enlightenment. You can do all the religious practices you want.
But in the end are you a good person?
Because my nameless, religionless, unbiased God, he cares about that the most.
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Kicking some anonymous ass
I just thought I'd laugh. Apparently people are just as crazy as I thought. A certain "someone" from a certain blog entry of mine (cough cough Find a good place soon...) contacted me out of the blue because I used her email in my blog. Apparently I guess people are that bored. I mean how the fuck did she even find my blog? I deleted the name of course just cause I know how hard it must be for "anonymous" to own up to her actions....
but still really really funny. I guess I kinda understand now that maybe this blog thing isn't as secret as I thought. Or like I said this chick is really really bored and felt like kicking some anonymous ass :P
Tonight I'll erase the name in order of keeping the peace, keeping the order of privacy intact, and mostly in order to appease the people who like to go into the whole suing people over lame shit :).
but still really really funny. I guess I kinda understand now that maybe this blog thing isn't as secret as I thought. Or like I said this chick is really really bored and felt like kicking some anonymous ass :P
Tonight I'll erase the name in order of keeping the peace, keeping the order of privacy intact, and mostly in order to appease the people who like to go into the whole suing people over lame shit :).
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