Choice

Not having sex is hard. But the only thing harder than not having sex is having sex, but not with someone you love or who you're actually in a relationship with.

That very reason keeps me indulging.

I know one night stands are very easily available. But having men fuck me as their "carpe diem" for the day is not enough for me. I want to be adored by my lover.

But I'm not going to lie, abstaining is very hard. Especially after hitting a 6 month mark, you start to notice you're compensating for it. I found food is my go to. Mainly anything with fat, sugar, or even both. Some of the time it works, but just like dieting, no matter how hard you try and "think" that 'hey I really enjoy and like eating carrots instead of that fudge brownie', you're body is still like- Nope.

All this to say, I don't know how to navigate where I am with a partner versus where I am in my life. I'm still very lost, still haven't found my career path/passion (which drives me to get up everyday and also drives me insane at the same time). And I think hey, when I get my shit together, when I've got my "ducks in a row" I'll be able to have the luxury of having a mate.

Cause that IS what having a partner it is for me. A luxury. The problem with some of my ducks is, some have their own mind, and I can't get them in line anymore than I can control the wind. With really bad physical health problems, I often don't get the luxury of choice. Getting the option to choose, and have options, more importantly the option to have a partner.

Sometimes when I see happy couples, it feels like a smug bitch reminder of something I don't get to have. I feel jealousy and sadness and every other bad feeling, because I don't know why God put me on earth if he doesn't allow me to love, and feel, and experience the good parts of life.

To which you might say, why can't you still do it? Why can't you still be with someone just cause you're sick?
Well, when I don't know if today I'll be in the hospital for my kidney, that I'll be able to sleep tonight for my insomnia, or that I won't feel suicidal because of it all, it makes it kind of hard to make dinner plans with a nice boy.

Sigh. Complaining doesn't change anything. I know. I guess I just wish I found someone like me, who could fully understand the pain of seeing others thrive while you just survive. It's akin to looking at people walking happily outside in the sunlight while you're stuck inside a muggy room. It hurts. The lack of choice hurts.

All this to say, Dear god, please, if you want me to finish out this life through, please give me back the ability to have choice.