I'll Take What I Can Get

Faith. I've been hearing that word alot lately.
"You've got to have faith. The only thing keeping us from God is us."
I've noticed when you really listen to what people have to say, there's usually some pretty good wisdom in there that's usually pretty relevant to your situation at the time. Scary coincidence or intentional...I don't know. Maybe I have to even take that on faith.

I've been in quite a scary rut the past week. Getting up from my bed only to pee and occasionally to grab a cup of water. The rest is TV series marathons and adjusting the sheet over the window to block any sort of sunlight from disrupting my captivating man cave of wonder. Seriously I even say man cave because I have not shaved, showered, or eaten anything that isn't prepackaged in well..awhile. I'm seriously making caveman look well groomed.
All this to say I've pretty much lost faith in myself this year. And if you didn't notice God too.
Even the word faith is hard for me to hear. It's not that I want to have this strong aversion to it, but even saying the word is hard for me since it is such a delicate heartwarming flower concept that is so easily beaten, battered, and broken into shards by the vicious hammer of my pessimistic intellect.
The concept is so cliche: the heart vs. the mind, but sometimes I can literally hear two sides fighting within me.
"Get out of bed! Go enjoy the sunshine!"
"Fuck off who needs daylight hours. Sitting and watching the 100th episode of Friends is soooo much better"
"You know you won't amount to anything if you just sit here. You've got to put yourself into action! Get moving!"
"Okay. I'll move. I'm going to move to the living room so I can be closer to the fridge"
Yupp. That's the way my inner dialogue is going lately. Really riveting stuff eh?

I'm sarcastic about it because if I wasn't sarcastic I'd be slitting wrists instead.
It is scary how scared I've become of the outside world and how hopeless I feel.
I do not care about my future, who I could be, or what I have to offer the world anymore. I don't even care about washing my hair and that for a girl is kind of a big deal.
There I am making jokes again....

I guess what I'm getting at is since I'm no good at praying or meditating, maybe writing it can help.
So universe, God, Divine mother, if you hear me at all...please let me break down this wall in which I've built so carefully around myself.
The wall with a fort, a moat, and those spikey spears from Braveheart around myself. The one I use to hide from people, my family, the world, from you. From faith.
I don't want to die angry. I don't want to die young. Please bring me back to hope. Please guide me back to safety. To love. To feeling loved. Even if it's just a small voice inside my head that isn't such a bitch and maybe says things like:
"It'll be better today,"
I promise I'll take what I can get.