Too Small for my Spirit

I don't know why I can't sleep nights.
And I do.
Every day my spirit it curtailed by the "duties" of this world, I die a little bit more.
It's a slow death. Every slow workday, where I end up coming home after the sun has already gone down, it's a still birth to my dreams. It becomes harder and harder to feel like satisfaction is possible in this life. That is is only a luxery for the rich, or smart, or beautiful, which God decided I wasn't worthy of. Instead I am this feeler which feels everyday more and more like a curse. A self timed ticking bomb in which I will self destruct and I have to watch the mind numbing process of watching the glorious trailers of other peoples lives while fantasizing from a dark room in the late hours of the night. I know I shouldn't complain, there are those without roofs over their heads, or food in the bellies, or the luxery to even worry about their futures because they need to survive the present. But sometimes...I don't know. I feel cursed. A sadness which is has wrapped around my heart so deeply, it now has roots, and grows stronger with each proof of dissapointments which come in forms of friendships or relationships or just my personalship of titanic emotions.
I don't think anyone really knows me. And after so many days of asking others how they're doing, you begin to shrivel inside. A plant with no sun, I have been in a long, long, winter.
I'm tired of being false. I am with so many. I lie so easy it becomes habit. After a lifetime of trying to preserve the image of self sufficiency from such a young age...it becomes sort of necessary to not relax into the reality of complete dissaster. It's not even disaster. It's the mundaness of it all. I work, sleep occasionally, and then do it all over again. Mostly I think about if dying is really the easiest solution. It is selfish and cowardly, but sometime I hear a song, or a see an old picture, or read something so heart breaking, and it makes me feel like this body is too small for the size of my spirit. I want to be ripped open and let free. And this 9-5 bullshit allows no room for freedom in any way.