An Open heart is an Open heart.

"Gosh that makes me feel weird. Like I wonder what I sound like to you guys."
"You sound...excited."
"Well yeah."
"Yeah what?"
"I'm in a room full of boys, how can I not be."
He smiles.
That's Mark #1.

I am on molly and we are all sitting on the floor, the bed, the desk even. Talking. And laughing. At 4 am we are still wide awake and enjoying just the comfortable enjoyment of honest conversation and good company.

We just have come back from Lazy rich set where the gritty music demanded all of us to give it all. We are tired as fuck, sweaty and sticky, and have gone through a bowl or two, sitting in the living room is various positions, and playing vicious foozeball games which are so involved that we actually have to make RULES and stipulations on what guarantees a win.

In that time Joel has taken off his shirt. He is tall and slender, and the skull and wings chest tattoo is spread like an open heart over his skin. His slick back bangs are like a straight wave but curl at the end, like the Greaser style. Very ponyboy. In fact he is pony boy. Excitable, honest, sensitive, and very passionate. He's all about feel, he gestures with his hands when he talks. He gets so into stories that he bounces on the balls of his feet. His slim body is animated in every sense. And he is so fucking sexy. He's got so much rawness to him, even his woodsy caramel skin and his hazel eyes kill me to look at.  He also is very touchy and flirty. He is one of the main boys who danced with me at the rave. To the point he was digging his hands into my hips and I would roll them extra deep so he can really feel my, well sex appeal.  He skirted his hands over my backside and I laughed,
"Wow you're a frisky one aren't you?"
He laughs good naturedly. Not embarrassed at all.
"Yeah I guess so. But I don't hear you complaining."
And I have to bite my lip to that, because honestly I want his hands everywhere.


Back at the house Joel tells me in raw detail the last harsh breakup he went through. Because like a girl I overheard him telling Max, and I immediately needed details and to hear it for myself. Max is vaguely annoyed, laughing when I ask to be caught up.
"This is why we don't talk about this stuff with girls. It's too much story and you come in the middle."
But like a gentleman I could tell, Joel obliging gives me the spark notes to what was a very tumultuous relationship. He said within 2 weeks they both confessed to loving each other, and that within 3 weeks he had her key and they were planning to move in together. He said he had previously spent a year working on himself and his demons. That by the end of it he was finally in a place to date again and with the right intentions and an open heart. And he met her. Julia. A girl who he said was both as intense and open as him. And boom I understand. She filled the need.

We have now all migrated to the bedroom. And Joel just says, "I need a neckrub, can you give me one please?" and just plops himself in front of me. The rest of the boys look. I kind of laugh it off complaining about the cockiness of men to just expect women to do the work, but in reality I'm kind of nervous as hell. I want to touch this boy so bad it hurts. But Max is also here. And he's also asked me out a few days earlier. And although I turned him down gently this can't be a good situation and I don't want to even mildy hurt the sweet and trusting boy Max has shown to me. He is a true friend, yet I don't think I can force a relationship with someone I'm not attracted to, or to someone who feels so like kin.

But dutifully I begin to rub deep circles into the hard lines of Joel's neck and shoulders. I have to keep my libido under check because even just tracing his sinew makes me want to lick them. But I play it easy, asking formal questions like "Which parts hurt?" or "What part is tense?" and the boys stop watching and just go back to conversation.  When I'm done he offers to reciprocate for me but I'm way too in the spotlight as the only girl that I shake my head and vigorously say no even as he keeps offering. Damn this shit.

The conversation turns funny now. I'm on the floor to give myself distance from Joel who lies back on the bed beside Max, further fuelling my confusion. Molly gives me the confidence to ask the group with honest boldness about what it's like to be the other sex. And they literally hold open the door for me into the other side.
Everything from wanting to know what is feels like to get a hand job..
"Nah you'd much rather want a blow job" Ryan says matter of factly
"Yeah..." We all agree.
To what its like going to the bathroom, and well HOW can you feel comfortable with another dude whipping it out beside you. They explain the one urnal apart guy code, and the never look at all rule. All mutually understood and known without ever having to talk about it. But I'm still confused how thats possible if you have to at least look to see which one is open and to walk to it without crashing into someone.
So no joke they give me a skit. 3 of them walk out the door and close it, like this is for legit. They walk in like the direction has snapped the scene, and they mock wait in line, mock go up to the invisible mirror and check their hair and push it back. Mock staring off into nothing while the others go. And then the VERY direct walk to their own urnal and the stare ahead at all times rule. I feel like I literally got the experience of being in the boys bathroom and weirdly it feels so interesting and well...cool.

I then realize how uncomfortable I am trying to sit up, on the floor. "Damn I'm uncomfortable, think I can come up on the bed?" Then both openly motion and move for me. Still though I take a playful dig,
"Jezz whatever happened to chivalry? Gentleman are a dying breed. I mean having me sit on the floor with no pillow or nothing while you guys lie all comfy." They protest
"Hey you decided to sit on the floor,"
"You could've asked for something."
"Oh yeah totally like I have to be like 'Hey guys with ALL the comfy shit possible, think you could throw me at least one.' "
"Hey you wanted the full bro experience, that mean fend for yourself man," Joel grins at me. I chuckle. I guess I did ask for it all. Even the sucky stuff.

Then it goes on, to asking what its like to know know, when you like a girl. Apparently it really just all is, erection? Yupp she's good. Well maybe not that pop up and go, I mean they're not 15 year olds with no control of the inflate button, but it really all is all about feeling that primal attraction. Here I am, and women in general, thinking their is some kind of formula or science behind figuring out a guy is really into you, and its just really as simple as "attraction" for them. Makes me realize really how we complicate things we should just leave as is. So much simpler. Literally.

I ask for a sip of water and Max reaches out for the bottle and hands it to me. I pass it Joel.
"I swear I don't have koodies." He just raises his eyebrow and his lips twitch. Like he's not even going to touch that.
The other boys pass it round after. Ryan asks with casual voice, "Did she have a sip of it?"
Mark # 1 nods. Then in hilarious show, Ryan basically fucks the water bottle with his mouth, while he's drinking from it secondarily.
I can't help it. He is so cocky and goofy at the same time. I hold my sides and I giggle like crazy.
"Nice Ryan, nice. All your moves are like schwooop..., " and I throw an air ball over the room up into sky, "just like a ring shot. Right into the hoop." He just bobs his head in a, "well obviously" agreement.

Then I ask about flirting, and wondering how it feels to have that nervous rush trying to pick up a girl. Mark #1 gets me into that experience in one story.
He says he was at a club with his buds once and like boys will be boys, they make a bet.
He has to pick up one of the hottest club dancers in 7 words or less.
He tells me he takes a good look at her. She's a smooth dancer, obviously sexy and exudes confidence. She's wearing a leopard print costume of shorts and bustier.
He walks up to her on the platform and asks,
 "Did you kill that leopard by yourself?"
OHHHHHH MYYYYYY. Panty dropper.
Needless to say he won the bet.
In that one liner, he has both been clever, cheeky, complimenting, and suave. It's like with that one liner he's slid a tumbler of whisky smoothly down the bar and has it land perfectly into her hands. Smack. Satisfying.

I'm not even a guy but that saturation of victory is so well laid out, I feel again the experience of being in someone else's skin. And it feels fantastic.
"Oh my god Mark, Thank you. Thank you. I'm not even a guy and yet I totally got to feel how good that must have felt."
He gives me his satisfied half grin, like he knows he's done his job. He has that smooth confidence. The behind scenes assurance. He never has to assert it or prove it. With his closely shaved head, arm length tats, punch hole earrings, and thick rings, he is very much who he is. And he works it. And I love him for that.

Mark #2 now becomes more vocal.
"Ughh don't even get me started on girls. Like don't even let me think about it." he groans with such heavy irritation.  He start rubbing his head roughly, pulling it back and forth.
I ask why. He fills in the blanks. And the other boys fill what he's left out. Basically he's be hooked and then dropped by a consecutive amount of girls.

"Like they get all excited about me. And then one day they just say they can't hang, and I never hear from them again. Like OKAYYYY..... Just UGH! UGHHH!"

He mimics wrangling a brain with such a manic face I can't help but laugh. It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels that way about the other sex. Guess we are all frustrated in one way or another.
I want to hug the shit out of him cause I know. I know

"Awhnn Mark..." I say that's all I can say and I look him straight in the eyes.
"NO! No. Seriously no." He's reading it as pity.
"I'm not pitying you. It just sucks I know. But you are such a cutie. It's just the wrong girls. Wrong choices."
Apparently I confirmed what is already know cause all the other guys pipe in with the same sentiment.
"I know, I know. But it's not even the wrong women. It's just that I fall too hard. Too easily. And then its like welll fuckkkk."

The room goes quiet for a bit.
"Well it's good to know you guys feel the same way about break ups. I always felt like guys are so whatever about them."
"No! No Man!"
"Guys go on benders man, thats their version of crying."
"I always have to spend like a few months before I can even feel like looking at another girl."
Again the egg has cracked, and that soft yolk of truth is revealed to me. We all hurt. We just all process differently. And an open hear is an open heart, regardless of which gender it's in.