Such bliss from Thoughtlessness

It is amazing how thoughtlessness is what equals happiness. Let me clarify, when I say thoughtlessness I don't mean being selfish or self absorbed, I mean thoughtlessness in the sense that there are no thoughts or projections wizzing in your brain.

This morning I was assigned by my service program to shovel snow. Seeing as I'm practically antsy and sad every time I have to work inside while the sun is shinning I was pretty much ecstatic to do it.  

It had snowed the day before in a magnificent shitload as I would call it. So much and such big flakes that after only a few hours the entire community was just covered in the perfect touchable powder white bliss that always has a way of making me a giddy goof.

So here I was shoveling the walkway with the sun out, the sky ice blue, and the wind clear and fresh. Soft patches of sunlight filtered through the trees so that there were checker boxes of sun and shade. It was when I reached a warm spot that I just stopped heaving and just turned my face to the sun. In that exact moment I was happy. Not excited or ecstatic or bouncing off the walls, but just happy. And I realize just like every other perfect moment I've had in my life, it's because there was no other thoughts going through my head other than what I was doing in that exact moment. I had no worries or regrets or stress or longings. I was just shoveling snow in the morning and that's it. That's all I was thinking, in fact I wasn't thinking it, I was just doing it.

I mean if I can feel such bliss from thoughtlessness for just an hour, what would or could my life be like if I used this practice every day. Maybe even for the rest of my life? I think I am on to something good..... :)

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I miss you Charity. I miss talking to you. I am alittle lost and I think you could help me. Where are you?

The way love should be

It's real. I am in love. I am falling in love. And I'm letting myself float deep into it. Like the way love should be. I didn't think this would ever happen to me. But here I am, lying in bed at noon curled into the side of his body, his arms pulled tight against me, his scruff tickling my neck as his soft lips drift down my neck, and god my heart squeezes with so much happiness it feels like pain and joy together. I don't know if it will last or if maybe I am getting to far ahead of myself, but right now, in this moment, I swear it is everything I ever wanted.

To you Ma

I had such a good day yesterday. It was like I was so pumped. So joyous. So excited. So in the moment. It was divine. A gift of what I can be like with divine mother infused in my daily life.

That's it. It's my sign to constantly try. I am making a universal promise. I will try everyday. To be more disciplined, but to still laugh when things don't go according to plans. To affirm strength in myself even when I feel at my lowest. To be consistently thankful for every gift and day as if they all mattered, even the bad days. I will open my heart to the beauty of darkness and the relief of light. I will take ahold of my ship and steer it towards the horizon. And as that song goes, though my sea is dark and my stars are gone, still I see the path through thy mercy. 

So much love. Just give give give. We are all looked after. And we all need to look after each other. That feeling poured out of me yesterday. Today I will hold onto that feeling. Try and cultivate this happiness, and give myself, the universe, and my ma all I have. To you ma. To you. 

All that Matters

Help me love who I am. What I am. And what I aspire to be.
Because that is all that matters.

Experiment. Experience. Expand

It is amazing what is happening to me here.

I am learning to trust people, in fact to love them, even when they hurt me, or worse, when they annoy me :P

I am learning to take my weak immune system, the fact that I sleep on average 3 hours per night, and my constant back problems, but I still get up in the morning and I still do service for this place.

I am learning to see that I am not as beautiful as I want to be, or as talented as I want to be, but I still have pieces of beauty in me, and I still can work on what I love.

I am learning how not to stress, worry, and pressure myself to BE someone. To be rich or important or any of that.

I am learning to trust my choice or the ones I have not made, because I am young and life should only be about experimenting.

I am learning that hugs always should be given, and to never be too shy to ask for one. The friends here are always ready to dole them out, which to me is the real kind of friend.

I am learning to use my will, or ask for the divine will when I am weak, when I don't feel like I can go on, and then somehow some way, I always have just enough strength to go on.

I am learning to be thankful for the gifts in my life no matter how small or simple. Vitamins, gluten free cookies, my instruments, my computer, my clothes on my back, my friends here, my family back home, and for all the people who are gone from my life but are in still in my heart.

I am learning to feel like there are signs, or that you have to keep demanding from the Divine for answers. She takes her sweet ass time sometimes, but eventually she gives you a nudge and you have to still be open by then to notice it.

I am learning to listen, rather than blab.

I am learning how to feel important enough that I have something worth saying, that I am worth listening to, which for me is HUGE.

I am learning to feel happy for other even in my jealously or sadness that they have something good.

I am learning to feel okay. Which is better than okay if you know what I mean

Life from now is will only be this. Experiment. Experience. Expand

Director of the Universe

"The Director of the Universe knows what to do with you, so why worry."

"Let go, because whatever plans you have for yourself, they will change. Divine Mother has a plan for you so might as well go with it."

I'm am learning, maybe not so much learning but dipping myself in surrender. Learning to trust in God, leave my anxiety, worries, expectations, and plans up into the hands of the universe. It's so simple. There is no purpose. There is no expectation except the expectations you put on yourself. The only thing you can do, the only thing to live for is this precise moment. Are you even there? Are you aware? Are you even just allowing yourself to be yourself? Are you taking time to laugh? To read? To play some music? Talk, and I mean really talk with someone? Are you okay with who you are? Are you okay in your situation, no matter how fucked up or confusing or unsure it is? If not, then that is all you need to work on. All you need to do. So simple. And yet so complicated.

I am no where near the answers to the endless fears and questions and choices I must make. But I am dipping my feet into the unknown and that is enough for me

That should be enough for anyone.