You need will for Willpower

No no, I will not let him sway me. I will not let someones opinion overrule my dreams. I've done that for way too long. I need to be concrete in my passion. You need will, for willpower. I need to focus on what I hear when there are no other voices. When there is only one. My own.

Broken

I think the scary part is, I need to heal before I can run back into the wild.

I've put so much pressure on myself for the past 2 years. Stressing, and crying, and losing sleep, and worrying, and planning, and moping, and ripping myself to shreds, all over trying to figure out what to do with my life.

The irony of this all is that in figuring out what to do with my life, I've actually never been more out of touch or ignoring who I really am in my quest to figure out what I will be.

I've been saving and planning and yearning and longing for school, for an education, for some kind of passion that will be my ultimate career. Yet I've been ignoring how I'm hurting. How I'm still lost inside myself. How I haven't even spent one week without having at least one breakdown.

I am so broken, I can't even find large enough pieces to put it back together.

Last night I got caught in a bad situation. I went to friends house with a girlfriend who I know is toxic for me. But she and I hadn't seen this girlfriend in awhile and it was supposed to be this great reunion since all three of us had grown up together. It was fantastic. Until it wasn't. We had drinks, and listening to music way too loud, we ate obscene amounts of finger foods, and laughed as we drunkenly jumped outside on her old trampoline. I felt like it was all okay for a night. That I could relax. Just be happy for once and not feel pressured or guilty for not working at having purpose.

Of course though, life caught up to me. Late at night and chilling back in the house, we were all sitting on the couch, and somehow that same toxic friend after having too many drinks starting picking a fight with me. She said I was a bitch, that her friends thought so, that I couldn't see it.

I don't really like this girl, and I like her friends even less, so it shouldn't have bothered me. But it did.

Maybe I just can't handle anymore negativity from others about myself since I kind of don't like myself enough. I just started crying. Although I at least waited till I was outside and grabbed my stuff. I felt bad for our  good hostess for having to witness all of our fighting but I was more just feeling like if didn't get out of there I would shoot that girl and then myself.

So now it was 3am, and no buses are running and I'm in some suburban street.

I was stuck. And I knew it. I could sleep out in some park till buses started running in the morning. But I figured after debating, maybe just maybe I could try phoning my unreliable mother.

Weirdly she answered. And more weirdly she came and got me, at 3am and with her boyfriend who she asked to use his car.

Getting to her house, I fell on the couch and bawled. Like a fucking demon though. Not soft little cries expected from a pipsqueak girl like me. I moaned and shrieked and choked on my sadness. My mother just kept asking what was wrong. And all I could say was, "I'm broken, I'm so broken." It became like a chant.

Of course my mother just thought I was distraught about the fight, but the thing was I was distraught about my whole entire being.

Now here I am. My spirit in shards. I need to find a way to regain who I am before I can even think about entering back into the world.

Make your Own map

"It's time you start taking control of your life. I can't do it anymore, you're an adult now. I can guide you. But it's up to you to do things on your own now."

Yes I know. 
I know dad but it's scary.

Realizing you're an adult when you still feel like a screwed up teenie bopper can be literally the scariest thing to find out. That you are responsible for yourself now. That every tumble, scrape, drunken night, ticket, missed appointment, even food choices are now on you. There is no one to correct, confront, or compromise for you anymore.

I have so much energy and none. I want to be a dancer, a photographer, a musician, a producer, a script writer, an aryuvedic doctor, but as soon as I get home from work all I can accomplish is making dinner and watching TV.

What can you do? What can I do? PLAN.

"Get a poster. Make a dream board. Plan the next few years, things you want to accomplish or see or do. And then get pictures, visuals, reminders. Make a bucket list. Write it all down."

I was coming back from the kitchen one night with my food and heading to my room when I passed my roommates open door. She's one of those perky Australian travellers who have been everywhere and seen everything and the only thing constant in her life is change. I noticed on her closet door she had posted several cute yellow post it notes. Each individual one had a name of a city or place she wanted to go and then even more specifically some had sights or activities to do in each place. I thought my god here I am trying to get stock of my life and here is someone already on the right track.

Goals, plans, dreams sometimes are heavy weights to bear. Court orders or tickets we want to sweep under the rug and pretend they don't exist so we don't actually have to put some effort in.

However they can be light and vital. They can be candied sweets that we savour in our minds and strings in our heart that hold us up.

If you feel lost, thats natural. The only thing you can do it make your own map.

Only as Beautiful as you make it

I need to be positive. But before I do that I need to be positive about being positive. I owe it to others. But mostly I owe it to myself. Life is only as beautiful as you make it.

Timeless

My brother recently came back from Taiwan and it's been great. I feel like for the first time we are close and in a time in our life where we can actually hang, actually talk, actually be buddies. I mean growing up with 6 year difference I was always running after him and his friends; they were the elite to me. These cool hippie badass skater boys who joked and got into trouble and were always telling to me to buzz off and I'd keep chasing them anyways.

One of the boys, Jamie who was always nice to me was getting married. And Jonah's timing couldn't be better seeing as the day after he arrived Jamie was having the wedding. So Jonah offered to bring me as his plus one and secretly I was praying the whole time he would.

I wanted to look hot, to look grown up, shock them all alittle. Maybe even feel like a grown up for once. And I did. I got smiles and lotsa lotsa "Wow we knew you when you were just a pip squeak and look at you now!"

I noticed too how much I missed these goofy guys. Seeing each one of them, despite the small changes and appearances, I was relieved to see the unchangableness in them. They were still those goofy playful wise cracking yet sweet and loveable as hell troublemakers they were now in their late 20's as much as they were when they were 8.

Kevin was still that skinny little Indian gangster dressing wild child who either be cracking jokes or smiling his big goofy grin until you couldn't help but laugh. Evan was still had that sneaky charm and his sarcasm still thick in conversation. And Jamie. Oh the married old man was still the confident sweet weirdo doing lineback dancing and breakdance moves on the dance floor even on his wedding day. All of em, they were like sweet and happy reminders of days in the sun, days of my childhood.

We all ended up on the patio terrace after doing too much dancing in the reception. Smoking cigarellas and double fisting beers we all talked about the good old days and memories so funny you choked on the words. It was like I had never experienced all the bad krap, all the hard krap, or any of the dissapointing krap which is inevitable growing up.

That night was about dancing, and laughing, and eating, and celebrating, and doing some much needed catching up. All so far away and on such different paths now it was hard to leave knowing that we'd probably never see eachother again for another 10 years.

That is why if your reading this, remember to cherish life, and cherish those who are important in that life. Keep the good memories folded away in your heart, keep that glow inside for the hard days outside. Time is fleeting, but memories are timeless.

Or in this case, Goddess

I wonder if this makes me weird, makes me a little of a pariah. But I don't think I love anything more or anyone more than music. She can make me cry, laugh, dance, vent, scream, relax, and even get turned on. I call her she because like a man names his car for affection, I see music as a living being breathing loving entity.

I came home tonight from a particularly difficult day. I was deathly sick and still went into work, and after about 5 mins into my shift realized I was probably going to pass out. I coughed, hacked, and dripped snot over at least 200 angry and impatient people. Alone and the only cashier of the night with a snot ball hanging off my noise and my voice now so scratchy I can barely whisper the total, I had to listen to another person complain about how there wasn't enough people on tills at night. Yeah. Right. Like I didn't fucking know that.
I seriously felt like my life had shrunk and shrivelled and would die in this horrible place and that all my days were going to be like this because I've had too many of them.

I came home planning pretty much on dying. And then maybe eating something. Or whichever order came first. But I listened to some tunes after I filled my belly with some hot soup and she spoke to me in her most softest beautiful voice. She spoke in guitar and piano and in that husky voice, each note saying it's okay. You're okay. Life will be okay.

I love her. She is the only one there in the morning and there for me at night. I keep pretending like I don't know what I want to do with my life, but the truth is I know. Anything that involves getting to know her. Getting to adore her. Getting to honour her, I would be the most happy to do. Music, my only God. Or in this case Goddess.  

Just don't know

Oh ma, the feelings you push in and out of me.
Like waves they come. Soft and gentle, then rough and surging.
It scares me how delicate I am in your palm.
Like an ant you can direct me anywhere with the swipe of your hand.
I am trying to understand but all I hear is the infinite, so loud and yet no real sound.
This sound reverberates in my heart and it hurts to listen.
It tell me you must find out who you are.
It tells me to find my passion
Find love
Find solid ground
But how ma?
How?
I want to be in love with life. Free and beautiful and wonderful.
Do you hear me?
I don't want something
I want to be me.
Can you tell me who that is
Because I don't know anymore.
I just don't know.