Pull me in

It has become unbearably hard to even pretend to be happy for others. I haven't spoken to my sister Melody in over 6 months, just because even the thought of talking her makes me feel like crying. I can't help it. With a beautiful baby boy, a good partner, a home in the country, and a fulfilling job, its like she won the lottery and I'm out on the streets and I have to pretend like congratulating her is the "right" thing. I know its petty and useless to compare or even to covet what is not yours, and I know she must have her struggles (beyond cellulite and not having enough cash which is universal I can't think of much else), but that is what I do. I struggle on a daily basis to even shut up the thoughts in my mind which tell me it would be better if I killed myself. I feel like a plague. a sickness to everyone around me. I'm always sick and they cant help me. I cant help me. So I just continue feeling sad, feeling jealous, feeling like I'm wasting space for someone who really deserves and wants to be here. Dear god, this depression is full blown now. It was a small manageable thing  before, but now its like a rapid dog, attacking anyone and anything. Even myself. Or whats left of it at this point. I am scared. For the future. For my life. For my decisions which don't seem to really be mine. I have been watching my life like a doomed drowning person at sea. Being pulled strongly farther out into the current, farther from the shore where I see myself walking along the sand. It's me, but it's not me. I scream for help and the girl on the shore looks in my direction, squinting like she heard something, and I scream louder. But she just shrugs like nothings there, and keeps walking. I have to watch my life being literally sucked away from me. I'm lost. And I don't know how to make it back to shore. Please if you hear me, up there, out there, pull me in. Pull me back in.