You are your only self

I struggle with life on a daily basis. I switch from intensely loving life to thinking about dying, and even wondering if it will matter if I'm gone, or make myself gone. I'm not stupid. I know my family will mourn, at least for a little while. But I also find that I think it bothers me most because it hurts to think that my life is so insignificant, that I did nothing of importance, that I didn't fulfil any of my dreams, or that I didn't impact anyone's life enough for them to truly miss me. I think those last two especially hold me back from the line of thoughtfully planning and actually committing suicide.

Where do I go from here? I see a counselor who only asks if I'm taking my medication, I see naturopaths who only push the most expensive product at me, I try to connect to my family only to hear back from them months later. I guess what I'm trying to say is I have realized no one can help me. I have to help me. But I don't know how or where or when or if I can start. After what it seems like lifetimes of hating who I am and being ashamed of every mistake, I wonder if I can redeem who I was. Or who I could be. Because I don't know if I can continue with Tina as she is now.

Don't forget. Please don't. You are creative, and passionate. You are driven and strong, and a survivor. You are smart, and intelligent and no test can prove that wrong. You are funny and kind and good to others, you are worth knowing. You have genius and soul in you worth staying alive for. Worth bringing out, worth coaxing back from in you, worth sharing, and worth feeling proud of. You have a voice that no one else has no is replaceable. You can see into the universe and bring back the light of its heart. You have long enough arms to reach into center, and pull it back out. But more importantly you have gentle enough hands to cradle it and to contain it, like a small firefly, who glows within you palms, fanning out a glow between the cracks of this fucked up world. You have to stay alive. Even if its just to deliver that piece unto the world. You already died before you could write your story. Don't make the same mistake again.

You have potential. And there is nothing more worse than wasted potential. Become the stuff your dreams are made of.

And for god sakes start loving yourself. You are your only self. And that matters.